[CalmingOcean]

I am on day three!! Oh my god I am so proud I finally got to day three!! It has been at least 6 mo ths since not doing it daily! So proud

Feel free to share your success. I know how hard it is! I am use to getting to the end of day one then giving in! So disheartening.

Day three...

[waggiedog]

Hello dear CalmingOcean and thanks for your update. Wow, that is really a great achievement so very well done!!! I have a good idea of what you were meaning because I nipped off to check your profile page (excuse me!). I am an "old" sufferer of eating disorders, meaning 33 years of all the different types. I have BPD and suffer suicidal depression, I've also been hospitalised a few times. You're obviously a young person with your life ahead of you, so continue as you are and you WILL recover, as indeed you already are. Xxxx

[CalmingOcean]

I haven't updated my profile... It is now haha. I finally have some diagnosis to work with (I guess).

Wow 33 years... Omg. I thought 10 was a lot..

Thank you for the support and encouragement. This is one of the hardest things I've ever attempted. I'm pretty pumped about 3 days haha

[angelicgoldfish05]

Back to one day. But honestly it had been so long before this. I've discovered now however, that I no longer need him. I now have binging/purging and calorie restriction to take his place in comforting me. I never even needed him at all in fact I am so glad he is gone. So lucky God took him away from me cause he probably would have just hurt me real bad. Even worse than he already has. And yes his absence is responsible for my binge/purge. Is responsible for my hunger even now. But really, I must be punished for what I did to make him go away.

[Open Eyes]

((angelicgoldfish05)),

I don't know your whole story, but what I can say is that your thinking you must self punish because some person is no longer a part of your life is wrong. But, it's not your fault that you think this way. When a child is not nurtured, or exposed to an adult they can trust that gives them permission to feel safe, be frightened, be angry, and even ask why over and over, the child doesn't learn how to inhabit their own body very well. A child is supposed to slowly learn what emotions mean and have the permission to not only feel emotions, but to also be ok with receiving a comforting physical experience that presents oxytocin so that child slowly understands emotions as well as what comfort means too. It's just how we are designed to be as human beings, it's all apart of slowly progressively really inhabiting our own bodies connecting ourselves psychologically to physiologically. When that doesn't take place a child can get very confused and that can present the conditions that challenge "you".

You "can" slowly learn the right way to inhabit your own body. One learns how to do this one day at a time, and they learn this also by having a good therapist that is capable of helping them understand "why" they often disconnect with their body with an eating disorder. Also why they connect with their body through self harm too.

A lot people who did not get their needs met tend to learn how to get it in other ways, and they don't really even understand "why" they do these things but just that whatever it is "seems" to help somehow.

One of the things you need to listen to is your own "self talk". That is what you have learned to say to yourself that others taught you to say that is "wrong" and not your fault either. You need to learn how to correct that, to learn to become a better person, better nurturer in spite of the individuals that did not do that right for you. You deserve the utmost respect, and that begins when you start to learn how to "respect self".

I believe you, I believe you were hurt and went without in many ways, and I believe you struggle too. But, you do not deserve to "self blame" for these unmet needs. You actually are smart enough, even though you may not believe that to be so. You "can" slowly "learn" how to gradually inhabit your body and you "can" become a person who can eventually help others learn how to do this too.

The only way to achieve this is "one day at a time" and giving to self one day at a time and in time you will actually "learn" how to better inhabit your own body. As human beings we all learn by "doing", and it always takes time.

Listen to self talk, develop a part of yourself that is more understanding and willing to practice better self care, a part of yourself that grows stronger each day and is there for self to listen and say, "no, that is not being kind to self and I will choose to be patient and loving with self instead".

((Caring Hugs))
OE

[Open Eyes]

Here is a way for you to think about it better. When I train a horse how to ride a certain way, that horse has to learn "more" about his own body. Horses are designed to basically crawl across the ground using their front legs the most. They are much heavier on their front feet because of this. They can go very fast this way and that is what most of them just learn how to do. However, when they carry a human being, they have to learn more about their bodies because they have to develop the strength to actually carry the weight of a human being. They cannot just crawl across the ground with their front end, after a while they would become lame if they did that. So they have to learn how to find their hind legs, how to slowly develop the ability to get their hind legs underneath them more and that also develops a stronger back and even neck muscles too. Amazingly, a horse can learn a great deal about it's own body, and can really do some amazing things with human beings too.

The brain of a horse is only the size of a walnut.

Something to think about next time you may think you cannot "learn".

[CalmingOcean]

I love reading all your posts OE, this spoke to me so well. Sorry you are feeling that way AngelicGoldFish. I feel your pain, perhaps not in the same way but wanting to punish myself. Like OE says, small steps to learn how to love yourself once again, or like me learning to love yourself for the first time you can remember. If only once a day you can believe for a moment it can happen, that moment will surely grow to minutes, hours, days... The unthinkable-on the and years! But we have to start with believing even in the face of nothing but doubt, and maybe one day we will over come this need

I am back on day 1 binge purge free. I feel okay about it today. Trying not to starve myself anymore as restricting tends to lead to a b/p and I really need to fuels body to gain muscle at the gym. Here we go again!