Unintentional neglect?

From reading some posts and thinking about my own experiences it leaves me feeling conflicted about the situation. Looking at it from the outside I can see where the emotional neglect happened and how this has affected me through out my teen years and adulthood. Though on the other hand I feel that I should not criticize my mom, and even defend her, because she was doing the best she could, for her.
So I'm thinking that emotional neglect can fall into two categories, intentional and unintentional, with the outcome for the child being the same.
I have read somewhere that even with abuse sometimes the child feels the need to defend the abuser. Must be very hard to process that as a child and as an adult.

I wonder if perhaps its something akin to Stockholm's Syndrome

I'm not really sure whether it matters if it was intentional or unintentional because either way it still damages and scars a child,the effects are the same.

When I was going through trauma therapy,I found it kind of shocking to take a look at the past through adult eyes,to see things how they really were compared to how I perceived them as a child.Processing everything was very difficult,but it really opened my eyes.

I talked about my mother in another thread,and as a child I believed I was unlovable and defective,but now I know it had nothing to do with me at all,it was that my mother just wasn't capable of loving me.

She doesn't know this,but I have forgiven her for not being a good mother to me.I haven't forgiven the things she did or didn't do,but I have forgiven her for the reasons why,which was her own childhood abuse and the effects it had on her.I forgave her for myself though,not for her,I wanted to let go of all the hurt and anger I held inside.

That doesn't erase all the things she did or didn't do though,and it doesn't excuse it either.She may well have been doing the best she could at the time,but it just wasn't good enough and I can't defend her.

I think that's a very healthy attitude. I know which thread you speak of .. and unfortunately, everytime I tried to read it, I physically could not get myself to do so. I think it's because of the relationship and idea I have of my own mother. She was the one family member that never hurt me and was always there for me. Yes, she disciplined me - but never in a malicious way. And then I lost her and shifted straight into neglect and abuse. So I guess its just too much for my psyche to look at the reality of a mother being abusive or neglectful. I am sorry though - I tried 3 times to read it. I do think forgiving for ourselves rather than them is the only way to move past it. That's why I think you are handling it in a healthy manner.

Good point, but I think it goes deeper than that with parents. And maybe the self esteem of the victim to think that they are some how to blame for what happened.

Yea that's why not exactly Stockholm's Syndrome - but maybe akin to it.

Seems like everything is more complex than it appears to be, or maybe that's where over thinking sabotages the thought process and overwhelms us.

I agree ❤

Your words are my exact feelings toward my mom and dad. My dad died 7 years ago. I cried for 3 days not really understanding why. Was it a natural loss thing? Was I really hurt and bereaved? There was no emotion in my tears.

I realized, after staring my counseling, that I cried for what I didn't have. I was grieving for the loss of the safety and love that was never there and now I could never experience from him. I hold no grudge. As you said it was his upbringing. I forgive him. There is no emotion there either.

My mom is still here. I really hold no grievance with her, for the same reason being her upbringing and being married to my dad. It's just hard to handle being around her as I'm trying to heal.

Me too,I also cried for 3 days.I was grieving what could have been,what should have been and what would have been.I cried mostly for myself I think,for everything that I missed out on.I'm not sure if I even grieved for him as he was but for what I wanted and wished him to be my entire life.

I forgave him the same as my mother,for the reasons why he was the way he was but not for the things he did or didn't do.

I'm on my phone so I can't send you an official PC hug. I would like to offer you a phone sent (((kindred hug)))

In my situation I really don't know a lot of my parents traumas they incurred as a child. I know that both grandfather's were alcoholics, so I'm sure that had some bearing on their childhood. My mom just never grew up. Women back then mostly stayed at home or with other family members until getting married, or pregnant and kicked out of the house. So I don't think my mom was used to having to be responsible for something as complex as a child, especially after mom and dad divorced. She was very overprotective but not for the reason of keeping me safe but to keep people from thinking she couldn't handle it as a mom and that if I did something wrong it would reflect back on her. I was raising her more that she was raising me. It was a big no no to talk about how violent it was at home and it was instilled in me that if I spoke about it that the county would take me from the home. So I don't think her neglect was intentional, it was her immaturity, and just not knowing the responsibilities of a child. During school season I would hardly see her, I was 9-10 and I would see her in the morning went I got ready for school and then she worked 3-11 p.m. and I stayed by myself. So it would be the next morning before I would see her again. That gave me way too much freedom. That's when I started drinking alcohol on a regular basis. She had no idea.