dear mom and dad

Mom was 39 when I was born and Dad was 52, turned 53 2 weeks later. BOTH were military officers and Dad retired when I was five and my mother never worked after she married him. So, I had them around all the time, as they had no life. They both had sticks up their butts and a horror of "the Neighbors".

Mine were a bit too Christian and not enough followers of Christ.

dear mom:

it would have been so lovely to wish you a happy christmas and to get even just a small card from you.

I don't know why you can't be nice to me, even for just one day of the year

I think it's sad

SS

Dear mom,
In an alternate world, if I saw you, I would wrap my arms around you. I would beg you to be with me. I would try to convince you of a better way. Love would win.
Dear dad,
In an alternate world, you would be a safe person. I would be safe with you. The past could be erased.
Dear mom and dad, I would love to have us. I would love to love and be loved in a precious way. I’d love to smile at you adoringly, and have you be proud of me. I’d help you around the house; we’d have dinner. My children would be safe with you.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I want to be able to forgive you. I want to be able to make peace with you. I want to be a better me, so I will have to learn those things. In time. I'm learning slowly to simply accept you both as you are. I'm trying to not think of you as monsters but people that made some tough decisions and didn't choose wisely. I know you both had difficult lives before I met you and I certainly didn't make it easier. I want to be able to let it all go. In time.

That was my Dad.

He is dead and would not have listened to me anyway. Mom is 91 and her memories are VERY skewed. She states that she doesn't remember the problems I had in school, or the whole house had with Dad. However, she suddenly gets clear when she is talking to someone else about the past. She gets OTHER facts right, just none about me.

Mine are both that way. I tried talking to Mom about bipolar yesterday and how much it takes to just get up sometimes, knowing I'll always be this broken me. I didn't mention the past. I was talking about waking up yesterday, how depressed and hopeless I felt, and was about to tell her about some of the SI, and then she said, "when I get depressed I just suck it up like a man and do it anyway."
I said a very blank "sure" and walked away but thought,
"Are you a man? Does a man always just suck it up? No. You're neither. I'm not sure you know what a man really is. A man is someone who's dealing with life from the perspective of a male. That's all it is. They must deal with life. Sucking it up means you're holding it in, avoiding it. If you avoid almost everything else in life, it gets worse. A leaky roof, an electrical problem, a bald tire, a drainage problem, financial difficulty, mental illness."
Just now I had a thought about that...

Dear Mom and Dad,
Did my avoidance of you because of my mental illness and your lack of emotional availability make you worse parents? I want the answer but I won't ask the question.

The problem with the 'I just suck it up" line is that they DON'T just suck it up when they get depressed or angry or anything else. They take it out on the family. But then according to my dad, mental illness didn't exist. People made choices on how they behaved or reacted to things. His "advice" on the bullying I was subjected to? "Just don't let it worry you".
Really helpful, Mr. 2 or 3 college degrees.....

You must be reading my story, except for the degrees. Mom has a 2-year nursing degree somehow but Dad barely made it through high school. I accept that they are still going to do this, my entire life with them around. That's why I need to be away from them. I've overall disconnected by not being here much, but did give my whole Friday, today.

I got a (Community) college degree at the prompting of my parents because "Everyone under this roof went to college and so will you". Of course, they put down MY degree because well, it wasn't a four year, Ivy league college. What mom didn't mention until I got older was that she never graduated....So it just goes to show you...an education doesn't necessarily make you a good/stable person. I always knew this but my parents disputed it to the hills and back.

True all the way. I've got not far from 200 credit hours, but my AS is from a technical community college but 68 were in a state college. I'm proud of it, but never used it professionally. I did pull 29 hours one semester, beast mode manic on ADHD stimulants and an antidepressant, pre-bipolar dx. I worked there at same time. Anyone else experience that; the desire to learn everything, and keep going at it? If it were an option, I'd always be in school, the college bits.

Personally..I love school and books, I am always reading and at the bookstore. What held me back was the fact that I SUCK at math. If I had the time/money, I would take classes in things that I am interested in, for MYSELF, without the looming pressure of getting an "A".

Some people do have trouble with math. I'm very fond of math. It's almost always got a precise answer, and nothing else in life has that. There are free courses online, but I've yet to look into them.

I WOULD be fond of math, if I were any good at it....LOL!!! I use a calculator and do the checkbook sums three times to make sure I arrive at the same answer each time. I am dyslexic when it comes to numbers. I will write them backwards if I am not careful. Ex. $10.73 becomes $10.37.

Checkbook? Haven't written a check in almost 2 years.

Knowing what I know now, i still couldn't tell you how I feel about the life I have had, and that isn't because you both are deceased, but because I never had the backbone to do it, but if I had I would say to start with. Why did you have any kids at all, let alone 6 of us? Why did you treat me different, why did you physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally abuse me? Mom why did you tell me you resented the day I was born, you could have kept that to your self? Dad why did you sexually abuse me, and why did you let mom treat me so badly? Why was I the one singled out? Why did the both of you not protect me from abuse from other family members, and some of your friends? Why did you let things get so bad for me that I was made a ward of the state? And why did you feel that you had to do that one last cruelty by stating in your will that I was left out, and said I knew why? All my life I have tried to do so much for the both of you. I sent packages of things you wanted, I sent cards, letters, money. My husband, and I came down and fixed things for you, that came out of our pocket. As far as your will, I didn't want anything, I had everything I wanted, and needed, that I earned for myself. The only thing that I ever wanted from the both of you was your emotional love, or at least acceptance as much as the rest of my siblings. Why? Why? Why? Even if I could ask all of this now, you both are gone, so I will never get to do that.

Dear mum, why have children when they are hard work? I can easily take myself out of this earth and I have a right to do that. I feel like a mistake.

@katydid777

As parent and stepfather to total of six, I will tell you that kids are very hard work. It's also the most rewarding thing in the Universe. A child's life is something one gives to the future. I wasn't the best of parents, but I tried. I cried every night because of everything I messed up that day. I've still not forgiven myself for most of it, and I don't yet know if I can. I love my kids to no end. I know I'm the bad one here, the bad everything

You are probably not as bad as you perceive yourself to be.

Find my post made just before you made this reply to understand the next sentence. I don't know anything, and I'm becoming ok with it.

Dear Mom and Dad, I know you treated me poorly because your lives were not fulfilled themselves.

Why would you design my life to not be fulfilled either? I understand, but it has destroyed me. I am lacking in so many ways.

You have the rest of it to become fully alive. Don't waste it, please.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Why did you emotionally abuse me for being illigetimately conceived?
Why did you leave your 4 small children alone at night with a known pedophile?
Why did you did project so much negativity toward me when I told you what happened?
Why didn't you say ANYTHING when I told you?
Why did you make me feel so unworthy of LOVE?
Why didn't you give me up for adoption or have an abortion?

Dear Mom & Dad,

Because of how you responded to the first molestation by a family member, I never told anyone the next time it happened by another family member. You made me feel so ashamed like it was my fault and I must have deserved it. I didn't tell anyone the first time I was raped because my own family wouldn't believe me, so why would I expect anybody else to believe me. I never told anyone my husband beat me. I just divorced him. I never told anyone the 2nd time I was raped, decades after the first time. Why did you mock, ridicule and belittle me after we all grew up? We have run out of time and ya'll choose to live in denial. Why do you ignore the fact that your beautiful, intelligent, gifted first born child is homeless, broken, mentally ill and destitute in the same city where you live? Is your pride still so important 57 years later? Haven't you learned ANYTHING from the mistakes you made with me? I forgave you once I proved to myself how wrong you were about me. I chose a hard work ethic and put myself through college. I found a successful career despite struggling with depression. I gave you 35 yrs to atone for the damages, but you still cling to denial. Have I finally accomplished your expectation?