dear mom and dad

SorryShaped,
I've thought a lot about documenting my bio lately. It is stranger than fiction and no one would probably believed it actually happened. I can hardly believe it myself except for these recurring, invasive thoughts, memories, dreams and flashbacks. Thanks for sharing.

First of all, I'm sorry. I know you've been through many hardships. I'm not that great of a daughter either and can't express my feeling. But that's because I find it hard to trust you with them.
You really have no idea about the horrible things that are happening in my head and I've never been more afraid.

bumping this thread for the other poster who posted a thread like this

Dear Mom & dad though you have long since died,

I know you thought you were normal but that is because you never socialized with anyone to realize just how dysfunctional yiu both really were.

If you were normal, I wouldn't have been so embarassed to be with you in the few social situstilns you were invited to.

Mom, you kept having to tell me that my dad lived me. That was because he was incapable of emotionally connecting with anyone & NO, it wasn't just because of his dysfunctional dad or the fact he list his mom to cancer when he was a senior in high school & was the one left to care for her. This may have added to his dysfunction but honestly after researching ASD in relation to my own H, the similarities & behavior patterns matched perfectly. Just because they didn't have the knowledge to dx way back then didn't mean it didn't exist.

I know mom you strugvled hard to want me to know how smart you were but everything you did & said did not reinforce what yoh wanted me to think. Sadly even at 80 when you died, yiur bad choices did not reinforce the wisdom yiu wanted me to see yiu with.

Your inabiluty to be independent through my growing up years just reinforced my desire to not be like you. You were so caught up in your insecurities that you were unable to connect witb me either though I was thankful you shared some hidtory about whst your lufe was like & what dad's life was like but growibg up, I just desired to be around people outside our family. I sensed something was not normal I justvfidn't understamd until after you died & I finally got away from that H of mine eho you liked so much & who was justvas dysfunctional as you both were.

Finally living around normal people I csn see just howvdysfunctional you were. No it wasn't yoyr fault & I now also understand that....but the lack of emotional connection throughout my life & wondering "is that all there is when connecting to others" left me needing to learn how to connect so I ciuld have normal friendships & connections with others. 10 years if workibg on this & progress started around 2011. Growing & learnibg after 54 years of luving like that has been a challenge but worth it. I know you woukd still think you were just fine & that your behavior was normal but you knew nothing else.

I miss yiu both but honestly I don't miss the stress that interfacing with you or my H caused me. Being free from that & living arlund functional friends now 2100 miles away from where I lived all my life has been the most freeing experience of my life & I have finally been able tobgrow into the person that was hiding inside of me all my life wondering "is this all there is to connecting with others"

I feel no blame on you as I understandbwhy all ifbyiu werebthebway you were. I am just thankful that Ibget a chance to live my life now for who & what was buried inside of me for so long.

Why did you take me out of school when i was 15?
Why did you lie when you said i wouldnt be stuck at home all day?
Why do you get mad and say i have an attitude when i have a different opinion?
Why have you kept me almost completely alone going on 5 years?
Why did you let me unknowingly throw away who i am?
Did you not learn after kicking my brother out then isolating me?
Why can i not be emotional or show weakness at the things you say to me?
Why do you always blame me?
Why did you keep things away from me then scold me when they didnt magically appear?
Why do you not talk to me as an equal and more like a wall?
Why is it the most you say to me is when you critique and nag me?
Why do you always treat me differently in front of others?
Why did you do all this and still not notice how hurt i feel?

Dear Dad,

I don’t care that you are old. I don’t care if you end up with something terminal.

You will die without ever seeing me again.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm no longer trapped in your house, a house you made it a point was yours and not mine, while I tried to grow up there and even after I moved back in decades later to help you. I'm now in my own home, and have time to clearly see that you did not understand my problems because you are not capable of understanding. I'm working to forgive you, but I'm not yet ready, even though it isn't all your fault. You do have the ability to learn the differences, but never will.
I'm enjoying my life, such as it is, now and really just trying to ease myself from all the damages My Life has done.
I don't miss you.

My parents were not capable of understanding, either. They refused to admit to any wrong doing.

Dear mom,

An uncomfortable part of therapy has been realizing that you probably did as much damage to me as my father did. No, you weren't abusive like him. But unlike with him, I looked up to you, wanted your approval and affection, and internalized and judged myself according to your worldview.

I know you have always loved me. But that's not enough. A child is a child, not a miniature adult. You were very... pragmatic... not cold but certainly not warm, and never very good at pretending to like or be impressed by something you did not like or were not impressed by.
I learned quickly that you would be visibly relieved when I made it clear that I didn't expect you to be impressed by my popsicle stick crafts or tell me that my singing was good. But did you have to ask me not to sing around you because my tone deafness hurt?
Acknowledging that the things I made and did were not objectively impressive was one of the few things that I could tell earned your respect. You would have been disappointed in me if you'd known that sometimes I secretly wished that you'd pretend to like the arts and crafts we made in school the way my friends' parents did.
I learned not to show you anything I was proud of, because that was a recipe for disappointment and hurt feelings. You never intended to be cruel, but you couldn't bring yourself to pretend that you thought that a 10 year old's poetry was good, and you assumed that you weren't expected to. It was better for both of us that I just not show you anything I'd done.
We've talked about it now that I'm an adult, and I know that you now "get" that I'm not like you, and that you're sorry that you hurt me, but it still feels like you're disappointed that I'm not like you in this regard. I don't think that telling you this now would do any good. You already know I was hurt, and you're already sorry you hurt me. Knowing just how much damage it did wouldn't undo any of the damage, it would only cause you more pain. And you wouldn't be able to convincingly lie to me to reassure me that you weren't at least somewhat disappointed.

Once you said, "you know, I think I was never meant to be a mother," and instead of reassuring you I said, "no, probably not."
Your feelings weren't hurt, because it was the truth and you didn't expect or want me to lie to you—that's just the way you are, and I understand that now. It just would have been nice if you hadn't assumed throughout my childhood that I was that way as well.

I can completely relate to the alcohol use and missing my childhood because I was raising my younger sister while my mother drank and “entertained” men and left us home alone. She lives in denial claiming that We were only home alone while she worked and no one else is aware that she was gone for days at a time and slept or drank most of the time she was home. How dare I not be a better adult when I was a child? The nerve of me.

Dear Mom,

Why do you remember my childhood so differently from me?

Why wasn't I good enough?

Why did you leave me alone to fend for myself?

Why do you feel the need to control everything?

Why can't you take a look at yourself?

Dear Parental Units,

I was never good enough. Thank you for ensuring my awareness of that “fact”.

And thank you for being the Narcissistic A holes who only cared about Self.

Why did you pay a lot more attention to my brother? And did i really deserve all the name calling and beatings? Am i that bad of a daughter?

Have you considered changing YOUR phone number and email address?

Regarding family/others still being in contact with both them and you, would you be better off to move away and cut ties from all of them, so that you can truly be free of your parents?

I'm thinking happy thoughts for you. I hope things get better soon.

Have you considered that YOU are all the ugly names you called me...

I really feel sorry for you. Mom....you had such bad self-esteme that you got married to the ONLY guy that ever paid attention to you. Then you married him because you wanted him to have someone at home when he went to Germany in WWII. If it was love it sure wasn't obvious the rest of your married life.

Dad, you tried so hard to be like other men when you ever left your workshop in the garage.....but you had no idea how to carry on an intelligent conversation because you never read anything that others talked about but argued with them about opinions you made up in your own head not based on facts. Mom rationalized our family being left out if things & not fitting in because we lived far away from church (the only place you went where there were people), you didn't have money like the rest of them & you couldn't afford to put me into the church school.

The problem wasn't the surface level crap you used as excuses.....but it was your own personality issues that people realky didn't want to be around but were polite enough not to tell you the REAL reason.

You wondered why we fought constantly. Anyone stuck in an environment like that would fight to get out. While I was in my room studying to make sure I didn't end up like you I also spent time wondering what it would be like to have normal parents.

Later in my 40's when I ended up in therapy....the first thing my mom said was...."we didn't abuse you asva child" That statement was accurate & I never claimed to have been abused & by that time in my life with my own dysfunctional marriage I just said my childhood was NORMAL. Years later after having left my own bad marriage & having found outstanding therapy it became CLEAR just how dysfunctional both you were & how dysfunctional I became fighting it. You stayed that way all your lives with some little bits improvement with age BUT it really was who & what you were.

I have worked hard to get out of the rut I found myself if & have found my peace years after you had died. I really wish I had a better picture of you both to look back on. I am really hard pressed to remember any good times we had together where there wasn't some level of stress caused by your behaviors. Was it lack of tolerance on my part or did I have a right to be intolerant of the ways & how they negatively impacted me?

HOWEVER I do appreciate that you both grew up some & were better with my daughter than you were with me & I think you were trying to make up for the past when you were willing to care for her so I could finish my degree & have my computer engineering career.

I figured out many of the undiagnosed issues dad had.....but honestly....knowing a diagnosis wouldn't have changed a thing. It just finally gave me understanding for why you & my Ex-H were the way you were. It wouldn't have FIXED anything.

Maybe going through all I did was necessary for me to be where I am today & have the factual understandings that I have gained from experiencing life the way I did.

I am happy & at peace NOW & that is really all that matters.