have you ever wanted to say something to your mom and dad and couldn't for what ever reason?

well say it in here...

dear mom,

why is it that you treated my brother and sister with a lot more respect than you did me?

[SorryShaped]

Why didn't you understand that when I said I wanted to die that I wasn't throwing a fit, but that I felt that way truly?

[SorryShaped]

Why did you call me a sissy when I cried?
Why was I forced to go to church, when you knew at 11 that I didn't believe that way?
Why are you still so adamant that you were always right?
Why is my divorce mostly my fault because I was the one that filed?
Why do I feel like nothing I say truly matters, ever?
Why don't you educate yourselves about my illness instead of just saying "I know what that is" in your authoritative tone?
Why do you believe that I can just snap out of it?
Why did you think my hospitalizations meant I would come home completely better? You sure as hell didn't from yours.
Why am I expected to care for you when you have exercised such little care for my feelings?

I know you resented us for not being girls. You wanted girls, and it wasn't enough that I took an interest in all your hobbies. It wasn't enough that I felt so guilty about being even a little masculine that I never developed classically masculine behaviors, and therefore was picked on endlessly in school.

You made me feel like being a male is a sin I committed against you. You'll never admit this. Instead you'll just keep making passive aggressive comments on the side. I only made peace with myself in this regard when I moved far away.

[SorryShaped]

Why haven't I ran as far and fast as I can? I know the answer. It's because you trained me to feel beholden to you and your illnesses have become my duty. Why don't I go now?

I am sorry you went through so much,
SorryShaped

it is okay to want to say so much.. that's why this thread exists

[Amyjay]

Parents

I wish you were able to feel the guilt you should.
I wish you could emotionally feel the enormity of the pain and irreparable harm you caused.
I wish you could see it all in one place, and understand what it says about you.
I wish you could let down your defenses enough to understand how despicable you are.
I wish you could view yourself as society views people like you...

Despicable
Hated
Reviled
Disgusting
Shameful
Unacceptable
Rejected

We all know what happens to people like you in prison.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

I am sorry you went through so much,
SorryShaped

it is okay to want to say so much.. that's why this thread exists

I am writing my bio, but my family will be prevented from seeing it or knowing it's mine until after my death. It will be a free publication for mental health students/professionals. I do my own psychoanalysis after each thing I'm writing. I'm not using names, including mine, including my ex's.
On my eventual demise, the countdown click begins on my Google accounts and family emails will with the links be sent after the 6 months of inactivity

[Aquasea]

You were the best and I miss you so much.

[Shazerac]

Dear Mom, why did you go on to have 5 more kids with 5 different men after me?

Dear Mom, why was your alcohol more important than having food in the house?

Dear Mom, why did I miss my childhood because I was the defacto parent to 5 younger siblings?

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I am writing my bio, but my family will be prevented from seeing it or knowing it's mine until after my death. It will be a free publication for mental health students/professionals. I do my own psychoanalysis after each thing I'm writing. I'm not using names, including mine, including my ex's.
On my eventual demise, the countdown click begins on my Google accounts and family emails will with the links be sent after the 6 months of inactivity

it's a neat idea.

something I thought about doing too, a long time ago.

but, for me, it got really hard writing about my childhood.

so stopped.

I don't think I ever intended to publish it, just do it as a personal project

dear mom,

Possible trigger:

why were you ever allowed to become a parent?

the hurt you put me through, the abuse, the times you sent me to hospital because, in your eyes, it was cool, when you disowned me for having MI... I just hope you can live with the aftermath, that being, you don't have me in your life, and I don't have any family to turn too because of you turning them all against me

and mom,

Possible trigger:

trying to kill your own child?

what kind of sick joke is that

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

it's a neat idea.

something I thought about doing too, a long time ago.

but, for me, it got really hard writing about my childhood.

so stopped.

I don't think I ever intended to publish it, just do it as a personal project

I find it cathartic. I cry like hell every time I work on it, to the point that I have to stop to breathe and clear my eyes to see. When I'm finished with a part, I look at it and think "wow my life's been messed up severely. Glad I'm past that crappy point"

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I find it cathartic. I cry like hell every time I work on it, to the point that I have to stop to breathe and clear my eyes to see. When I'm finished with a part, I look at it and think "wow my life's been messed up severely. Glad I'm past that crappy point"

i think that's ashame

what's sad is so many people's lives have been ****ed up by parents, and I know I can't speak for everyone when I say this,

but I wish I could go back.

wish I could change the past..

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

i think that's ashame

what's sad is so many people's lives have been ****ed up by parents, and I know I can't speak for everyone when I say this,

but I wish I could go back.

wish I could change the past..

No, you don't want to go back and try to change it. Learn from it instead, even if your only lesson is what not to do moving forward. I take care of my parents right now, but I'm spent with it. I really just want to leave and sleep in my car forever instead. I'm only one mean thing said from doing it, and they know it. I've told them they are literally killing me like this and my siblings know they need to help more but they rarely do.

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

No, you don't want to go back and try to change it. Learn from it instead, even if your only lesson is what not to do moving forward. I take care of my parents right now, but I'm spent with it. I really just want to leave and sleep in my car forever instead. I'm only one mean thing said from doing it, and they know it. I've told them they are literally killing me like this and my siblings know they need to help more but they rarely do.

maybe I worded that wrong.

I do want to go back, but, erase everything.

like, what would have happened if I maybe was braught up with diffrent parents, or I didn't witness endless abuse.

that's what I meant, not relive the hell I went through (I need to start being clearer)

but I know it can't happen

this life is not a rehersal.. this is it

[Fuzzybear]

Dear parental units (and step maternal unit )

When I said I wanted to die, I meant just that, I wanted to die.

I don't understand why I was never "worth it" to you and why you had to lie to me for more than 20 years. And then more lies.

Why did you have to abuse and neglect me?

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

maybe I worded that wrong.

I do want to go back, but, erase everything.

like, what would have happened if I maybe was braught up with diffrent parents, or I didn't witness endless abuse.

that's what I meant, not relive the hell I went through (I need to start being clearer)

but I know it can't happen

this life is not a rehersal.. this is it

It could just be another fiery hell. Just rise from the ashes, majestic phoenix, and burn the skies with your fire

[SorryShaped]

Mom and Dad,
We've had a run of it. I moved back in to help care for you. You're leaving on a vacation next month, and I am leaving on my own vacation too. But, one of us isn't coming back.

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

It could just be another fiery hell. Just rise from the ashes, majestic phoenix, and burn the skies with your fire

how?

Possible trigger:

the feeling of not having a mother or a family is going to stay with me for the rest of my life.

the feeling of being abused is going to stay with me for the rest of my life

how do you even start to recover from that

[Used2Bmommie]

You start by forgiving
i know it seems impossible but you can't begin to heal yourself until you let go of the anger because that anger and resentment you hold in your heart is only hurting you.

I used to fight and argue with my mom i would say the meanest nastiest things that i knew would cut her the deepest because just once i wanted to hurt her the way she hurts me then maybe just maybe she will see how it feels.
but the meaner i got the meaner she got and she won
every
single
time.
it got worse and worse we were literally trying to kill each other she was bigger and meaner and all i was doing was setting her off and once you set her off she doesnt stop. I would always end up crying and begging her to stop but she would keep going...
Finally, i gave up.
I forgave her.
i tried to forget
I let go of the anger
i stopped trying to win
and things got a lot better. still far from perfect but so much better than before.

The hardest part of that is being the bigger person when they are supposed to be the parent and you are supposed to be the child.

Originally Posted by Used2Bmommie

You start by forgiving
i know it seems impossible but you can't begin to heal yourself until you let go of the anger because that anger and resentment you hold in your heart is only hurting you.

I used to fight and argue with my mom i would say the meanest nastiest things that i knew would cut her the deepest because just once i wanted to hurt her the way she hurts me then maybe just maybe she will see how it feels.
but the meaner i got the meaner she got and she won
every
single
time.
it got worse and worse we were literally trying to kill each other she was bigger and meaner and all i was doing was setting her off and once you set her off she doesnt stop. I would always end up crying and begging her to stop but she would keep going...
Finally, i gave up.
I forgave her.
i tried to forget
I let go of the anger
i stopped trying to win
and things got a lot better. still far from perfect but so much better than before.

The hardest part of that is being the bigger person when they are supposed to be the parent and you are supposed to be the child.

well, i'm certainly not at that stage.

Possible trigger:

1 of the reasons why, is because the abuse is ongoing (I am not free from it), and I always thought that until I was, you could never really start processing it

and forgiving my mother for trying to kill me?

hmm that's a difficult one, difficult indeed

all i'm saying is this.

Possible trigger:

you can't forgive abusers who just keep on abusing.

evry, single, day...

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

all i'm saying is this.

Possible trigger:

you can't forgive abusers who just keep on abusing.

evry, single, day...

Why don't you get away?