[Gus1234U]

i hope we can each find something to be thankful for at least one day~

[Kiya]

How did it go, Jan?

Feel better, Gus! Cactus is beautiful!

[Kiya]

I guess I shall join the tense muscles bandwagon, after last werk’s pseudo seizure. I am learning to recognize my muscles and work at relaxing them. Also letting my tongue relax! and let my teeth stop grinding.

[Kiya]

Gus, thanks for all the updates on you. I can commiserate with the new pdoc thing... ugh. I’ve had one meeting with her and we both knew within ten minutes it’s not going to work.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Gus1234U

it's a bit silly, but i have trouble telling people i had a lovely day, when they are suffering so much, but i did~!
everyone was so helpful and kind; everything went well; the day was bright and warm; and i got everything i needed at the store~!

of course now i'm exhausted, and tomorrow i'll be sore, but hey, what's that in the great scheme of things ?

i wish the same for ALL OF YOU~!!!!

I’m glad you posted. It helps to know it’s possible and to remind us all that good moments can/do happen and to rejoice in them.

[Kiya]

((((((( everyone I didn’t personally respond to ))))))

[lizardlady]

Ladies, what I'm going to post probably belongs in the abuse forum, but I don't know people there. Y'all are my support group. I'm coming apart and the seams and hope posting about it will help.

Am going to put the majority of the post in a trigger box because of the content. Please, please PLEASE be careful. Am going to talk about s** abuse.

Possible trigger:

All the stories in the news about sexual abuse have really, really bothered me. I was angry with all the women coming forward. I was feeling pressure that they came forward and I never acknowledged what happened to me. No one said I had to disclose. I just felt this pressure. I know it's not logical. I was angry that people were supporting them and no one ever stood up for me. Yeah, again, not logical. No one knows what happened to me. How could they support me?

This morning I was woken up by a nightmare. Was shaking and pouring sweat as I woke up. In the dream my pdoc reported abuse that happened to me as a very young child. It lead to children services investigating. In the dream my father was still alive. What woke me was him screaming at me and threatening me. I kept saying, "but I don't even remember what they say happened."

I was on edge and upset when I woke up. Then I saw a news report in which our president doubted the allegations against Moore because the women waited so long. I've been coming apart at the seams ever since. Bad old coping "skills" are rearing their heads.

Memories of the abuse keep flooding my head. My Little One (alter) has been freaking. Haven't heard from her in ages. I suspect she was created by the first abuse. She's about the age I was when it happened. I don't know who it was. I see a hand/arm reaching out to touch me. That's all I've ever remembered.

Then there was the time when I was 13. We'd just moved - again - I was so desperate to fit in. I let an adult touch me and stick his tongue in my mouth.
Yeah, I said "let". Fifty years later I'm still taking the blame. When I got the courage to tell my mother my father turned into something about him y threatening to go kill the guy. The molestation got reported to the police,
but my family wanted to "just make it go away" so nothing came of it.

I allowed the guy who used to deliver feed to the farm assault me because I believed I had to let him so he would keep delivering feed.

My husband forced me to have s e x with him. It was years later when I realized it was r a p e.

I don't know what to do with all this. Part of me wants to mentally shove it in a box and put it on a shelf. The larger part of me thinks I need to "do"
something with it. I just don't know what to do with it. I haven't been in therapy for years. I have pdoc appointment in a couple of weeks. Maybe I'll talk to him. The agency I work for has mental health services through the EAP, maybe I'll call them.

What I want to do the most is crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there.

[January]

Liz, you are so dear to me. I'm sorry you are hurting and I am sitting with you.

I have a suggestion. Print what you have just written and hand it to your pdoc. It's a start in the process of stopping the pain.

[Gus1234U]

{{{{{{{{{{{{ LIZ~!!! }}}}}}}}}}}}}
you are not alone. i don't talk about the times it's happened to me, because i just don't want to dwell on the memories. and actually, a lot worse things happened to me, so i have had to learn to handle rage and grief and outrage over the years. in a way, a loved one died, YOU, the innocent and safe and secure you.

i don't think Pdocs are therapists, i wouldn't talk to one about strong emotions, cause most of them want to drug you. that is no solution. take small bites, this is a great first step~! only talk about it when and where and with who you feel safe. and give yourself permission to go slow: look at your memories and feelings from afar, then let them in a little closer.

there's plenty of stuff to trouble us in the present, it's hard to drag the past up and deal with it at the same time~

[January]

Gus has given you far wiser advice than I did.
A therapist would be better.

I am still sitting with you and we all love you.

[lizardlady]

I have a very unusual pdoc. He can fit a therapy session in a 15 minute med check. He's also unusual in that he doesn't push meds. Yep, I'm on meds for depression, but we worked together as a team to find what works for me. I love (not in a s*xual way) him.

Thanks for the support ladies.

[Kiya]

(((( Liz )))) safe hugs if you want them.
I’ve not read it yet, minding the trigger warning (thank you for that), but will after the whole Thanksgiving thing.
Sending you support and I’m glad you feel safe here to post.

[Gus1234U]

I HOPE YOU HAD A

[January]

I hope all of you have had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Belle and I have had a very good one. I cooked dinner and didn't set off the smoke detector even once! I have one that goes off if you brown your toast too much.

I'm not sure I told you, and if I have already forgive me, but when I went to the eye Dr. he discovered that my eyes have changed to 20/20 vision in each of them! No wonder I couldn't see out of my glasses. I've worn glasses since I was about 8 and my vision was bad, especially in the left eye. He can't explain it. I know that miracles happen sometimes, and this is one. I'm still floating on clouds over it.

Love to each of you!

[Kiya]

Liz- I validate you. All of it. The “letting”, the thoughts of why you took it on. The being angry these last few months. The part that holds the memory, and the dream... the anger at the ‘“president” for his words.
You’re doing right; doing what you can; look at it as you can. Maybe it surfacing means now it’s time. Of course only you can ultimately make that decision.

Courage to you, and I hold gratitude that you chose to write about it here. This is a safe landing space.

[January]

I found out I can't watch Jurassic Park anymore. The close ups of the dinosaurs attacking terrify Belle.

She burrowed under a pillow on the bed and thought I couldn't see her, but her head was sticking out. I pretended I didn't see her. Belle lunged out when I walked by and tried to "attack" me with her front paws. It was so funny.

I hope all of you sleep well tonight. I am thinking of each of you.

[Wild Coyote]

I hope everyone had an enjoyable Thanksgiving. I did.

Liz, you are brave to address your past abuse. The recent news headlines is causing memories/awareness to surface for many. You are not alone. I went through a lot of this, too. It sounds like your pdoc is a great guy with whom to talk (so is mine). I am very sorry for the pain you have endured. I remain hopeful for your healing.

Jan, sounds like Belle has quite a sense of humor! How precious!

Lots of Love to All!

WC

[Gus1234U]

ok, brace yourselves for the next big one~

[lizardlady]

Thanks for the support everyone. I've decided I'm going to slowly start letting the buried info come out as it is ready.

Thanksgiving was nice. A couple of friends invited me over for dinner. We had lots of good conversation and a yummy dinner. It was a nice day.

[Gus1234U]

welcome to my world,
won't you come on in ?

[January]

I spent most of yesterday running around with my friend and even though I had a great time, I was exhausted and hurting by the time that was over because I walked a lot. Today I've cleaned part of the apartment and washed clothes for most of the day. I'm in such pain in my knees and lower legs. I broke down and took an Aleve even though the Dr. said I can't have them any more because my kidney functions are a bit low. I can't possibly sleep in this much pain.

The Rhuemy said I can only have Tylenol, which is like taking water. I have an appointment with my nephrologist soon and I'm going to ask him about the safety of taking Tylenol versus Aleve. I'll let you know what he says because maybe some of you are in the same quandary.

Love to all.

[January]

It has taken me about three hours to be able to walk without wobbly hobbling. My ankle has poofed out and is very painful also. My friend said there are topical NSAIDs that the Dr. may allow me to use. Do any of you use them? I've never heard of them.

I hope you are all having a wonderful Sunday and that it is sunny and beautiful wherever you are.

[lizardlady]

After being careful all week not to overdo, I spent hours pulling weeds at my mom's house yesterday. I kept changing position to relieve stress on back, hips, legs, but am still crippled up today. Left hip and knee feel like they are filled with ground glass.

all I can say is... thank god it is warmer today

despite being indoors, the cold really got to my joints yesterday and the day before

[Gus1234U]