Swing Low

WoW ... since that first encounter with the shrink and scheduling the appointments with the psychiatrist, my emotions have been in full swing. The shift from feeling good to feeling hopeless are becoming very frequent and the distance between the two is becoming greater.

The happier the people around me, the more desperate I become. It's taking greater and greater effort to contain these emotions. Panic is near as these people continue with their laughter and inane conversations. I've had to find excuses to leave the room and desperately find an isolated place where I could sob and catch my breath.

And the effort of being in crowds is becoming greater. I can't stand being with so many people who are all out of control, seemingly just wandering in my path rather than moving with a purpose. Please ... don't touch me and get out of my way!

For a long time I've been frustrated by anyone with a series of questions that I must respond to, but recently I find that I can only stand about two questions before the containment effort zooms. If there are more than two questions, I really have to put all of my energy into responding in a civil way. I know it is irrational, but the trigger is almost as great as hearing stories of war.

A few days ago someone thanked me for my service and sacrifice. I became so tearful that I couldn't even respond. I looked away and said something like OK. Thanks. and then got out of there. I'm sure they recognized my rudeness, but their simple kind remarks brought on a panic. Maybe my ability to box things up and control these emotions is weakening because I was formerly able to contain all of this and put on my mask of civility no matter how great the inner upheaval.

If you know of ways to control these reactions, please let me know. I need help but I won't get to see a professional for another 90 days or so.

it sounds like hon the healing will start soon. hang in there my friend

Thanks for the note of encouragement, Bebop ... I'm hanging alright ... feel like I'm hanging out and very vulnerable. Feel like I'm hanging up my guns and giving up the fight. feels like a surrender must feel. Very anxious about the upcoming meetings, but also anxious to find some solution to these wild emotional swings and feelings of desperation.
Just hanging on now.