Introduction

New to the forum. I served during the so called "cold war" and was on a humanitarian TDY to Central American country. We were at a village helping some wounded villagers ( there were landmines placed in the filed where the villagers kept their animals and the children would play). A teenage girl had stepped on one of the mines and and many villagers and their animals were killed or wounded. While I was dealing with the horror and stench of the wounded in the church( center of the village) I heard the rest of the squad yelling stop, halt etc. Next there was sounds of M16, Ak47s and civilian weapons going off. Running out of the church I saw that village was being overran by a group of 16 men. As a medic I never thought I would be in a firefight. The next day I was told to pack cause I was being sent back to to my home base. There was never a debriefing, we weren't allowed to talk on our return trip to the base camp. I was left to sit by myself in the country's airport for 6 hours waiting for my commercial flight to go back to the states. This was the time I started having problems with crowds and feelings of panic when ever I'm among a crowd, no matter where. Don't like malls, don't go to the movies, Christmas shop using the internet.
A month later Grenada happened. I often feel like we were set up. To this day I still have nightmares ( I can hear the animals and children screaming and wailing in agony). If I cook meat I'm taken back to that village and will usually becoming violently sick.

I also faced an attempted rape and break in at my apartment by a military co-worker. I wanted to press chargers but, the commander wouldn't go for it. I had asked for a transfer but it was turned down. For 2 years I had to work side by side with my attacker. Needless to say it was 2 years of a living hell.

Served as a Reservist medic during Desert Storm. I had just gotten out active service 4 months before Desert Storm. So action during that brief time also.

So that is my military story. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and am going through counseling at the VA. I'm hoping this forum will help me deal with the anger (rage), nightmares, flashbacks and all the other fun stuff that comes with PTSD. Does anyone feel like they have been betrayed by their branch of service?

Do other's have problems with feeling like you don 't fit in and can function in the civilian world? I get so frustrated with my co-workers and their work ethic and their mindless bickering and "important" conversations and problems.

Sorry for the rambling and the jumping from topic to topic. Today seems to be one of those days when all I want to do is hid from the world, just me and the two dogs. Thank God for my dogs.

Welcome! Thank you for your service to our country. I am sorry that you are suffering. It’s a good sign for your to be reaching out to others who are going through many of the same issues. I am so glad you came here to share. My heart goes to you, and we are here for you. I found PC to be a wonderful site with many supportive people: civilians, current active military and veterans.

What you wrote:

having problems with crowds and feelings of panic when ever I'm among a crowd, no matter where. Don't like malls, don't go to the movies, Feeling like you don't fit in...frustrated with co-workers and their work ethic and mindless bickering and "important" conversations and problems.

...resonated for me quite a bit.

I struggle tremendously with cPTSD and am working hard on overcoming the struggle. I am so grateful for my T/P - and this site - which allows me to write, receive positive, nonjudgmental feedback and provides the feeling that I am NOT alone. I hope you will continue to come back and write.

((hugs))

welcome.

not combat vet but government law enforcement..so i get the feelings. lied & stressed big time. crowds really hard. never briefed to begin with except told we were all going to die so write our wills & be ready. not what i signed up for. terrorist groups smiled & waved at us & named us long before 9/111..long long before. & then prior to 9/11 the hijackers paid us a visit. saw them...like seeing the devil.

so yeah. i get it.

feel free to vent. spew. message me if ya want. it's a reasonably safe place. i too get tired of people crabbing about minor stuff at times...it's hard.

welcome aboard.

dolphin89,

I think that it may be important for you to know that even though I am not a vet, I have PTSD as well and

"Do other's have problems with feeling like you don 't fit in and can function in the civilian world? I get so frustrated with my co-workers and their work ethic and their mindless bickering and "important" conversations and problems".

this quote of yours above, just so you know, I struggle with this as well and I am just a regular civilian myself. Just want you to know that it is normal with PTSD as a whole.

I would thank you for what you did but I do not want to upset you. I want to respect and support you. Other vets have told me that they don't like to hear certain sayings as it upsets them.

Welcome to PC. I am sorry that you are struggling with PTSD, it is a lot of work to understand and work through PTSD. Please be kind to yourself, as it does take time.
It IS a challenge and you are welcome to come here for support as much as you need it.

Open Eyes

Thanks Open Eyes. I'm okay for people thanking me as long as they mean. I have a hard time with phonies. I don't think people on this forum are phony. I'm sorry that you too are struggling with PTSD.

Thanks Stumpy,
I know you guys have it tough also. I love it when they tell you to write your goodbye letters and your will and leave with the chaplain or commander depending. I'm sorry you have to go through PTSD. I don't wish this on my worst enemy.

Got the PM, I just cant respond back yet.

Oh and dolphin, see my mood? Just like you, I hear you. Take care of YOU and come and share as much as you need to.
Open Eyes

Last night one of my best friends and I went to dinner at one of the nicer restuarants in town. Of course I had my back up against the wall, all windows, and exists in view, checking people coming and going. Everything was going great until I looked up into the corner and saw a figure in an upstairs window looking down at us. I pushed my friend Chris under the table, picked up the only weapon I could find a steel kabob skewer and was getting into a defensive position. I must protect my friend and the other patrons, THe owner came up and whispered into my ear" stand down, it is safe". He was a Vietnam vet and had been watching me.

As I came back to reality I could feel every ones eyes on me and over heard some young adults making comments about "what a basket case" people like that should be locked up." At that point I just wanted to run out of the place and hide. I helped Chris up off the floor expecting her to be mad or afraid of me, but she understood. The owner had told the young adults that their dinner was over and to please leave.

This was my first time out to diner in 6 months and I acted like a fool. I did find out that the figure in the window was a dummy representing an Italian housewife in a villa. The owner didn't want that done, but his wife insisted.