[Lonely46]

I have a few different problems going on physically and mentally. I have been formally diagnosed with PtSD, Bipolar 2, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Fibromyalgia and arthritis throughout my body. That being said, I am 46 year old man, recently divorced after 25 years of marriage. I have two great daughters, ages 24 and 17, and am soon to be a Grandpa for the very first time.

I was never in a war, so the PTSD didn't come from combat. Mine came from one of the most viscious step fathers any kid can have. When he punished us three boys, he punished us all even though only one made a mistake. We would have to stand with our shirts off against the wall and he would hit us with the buckle end of his belt until he got his anger out. More than once he tried to kill my oldest brother. He even tried to molest us. We protected each other. I was the youngest by quite a few years. Finally my Mom "kicked him to the curb". My real father took off when I was very young, so I never really knew him until much later in life. My two half brothers both have different fathers, and both of them also took off for good. My parents have been married nine times between them. Anyway, once my jackass of a stepfather was out of the picture, my older brother started to become like him. He would beat me until I learned to fight back hard, even though he was 7 years older and a lot bigger. He made me learn to hate, and to use that hate and anger to hurt others. I got into a lot of fights in life and won every one of them, because, as a kid, I was not allowed to lose. I was never abusive towards my wife or children, I could never put them through what I live through. Well, about a year ago, my therapist noticed I had a very high startle reflex and asked my life story. I told her and she quickly diagnosed me with PTSD, along with my other problems. I haven't shared this story with many others, because it's embarrassing and humiliating. The nightmares have stopped, but I still find myself on the borderline of rage towards others who, frankly, act like complete jerks. It's all I can do to control my anger. I can remember going to the doctor as a small kid and having the doctor remark about how many bruises I had all over my body. These days the authorities would have been contacted, back then the doctors just took note of it and usually didn't do anything. Needless to say, I had more bruised skin than non-bruised skin. I learned to take one hell of a beating in my lifetime, and not shed a tear. I want so badly to go after the man responsible for this. He is a frail old man now, so it wouldn't be worth the effort. But somehow I have to get this pent up anger out of me, it's held me back my whole life, along with the other problems I have. This has been a hard year, on January I almost died from septic shock from pneumonia, I had two near death episodes with massive overdoses of medications. I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital recovering from kidney surgery. Christmas I spent alone and very depressed. My own family has trouble knowing how to act around me, because they see how messed up I have become. For years I put band-aids on my problems by drinking and doing street drugs. Finally the "wheels came off the truck" and my life fell apart, as did my marriage. I am clean completely now, but alone and stuck in this rut of anger, depression, hatred, etc. Hopefully I haven't opened up too much too soon, I tend to do that because I have a lot on my chest that I have never been able to get of my chest. Thanks for reading.

[MudCrab]

Hello, Lonely46. Have you considered being referred for a psychological evaluation and any treatment indicated?

Congratulations for getting completely clean. On to the next challenge ...

[Open Eyes]

(((Lonely))),

Welcome to the PTSD forum, and I see you are a fairly new member to PC too, I hope you are finding it helpful and a good source of "support" too.

What you are discribing in your post is a very troubled history that you most likely thought you just survived somehow and was supposed to "just get over" and "move on". Unfortunately this history left you with "psychological" scars that you could not drink or drug away, or really "hide from" either.

It is not unusual for people who suffer from abuse to get to a point in their life where they just break somehow, and don't quiet understand "why" either. And there is often alot of anger there that the victim in that person doesn't know what to do with as well.

The fact that you are now clean is a really good start to your personal "healing" process. I hope that you are also involved in an AA program because that program helps people keep on track with accepting themselves and life challenges in a much "healthier way" and there is alot of support in that program.

What I recommend you also do is find a good therapist that specializes in PTSD and helping these patients learn how to finally heal from their past and understand themselves better. You need to find a T that you feel "safe" with too, and a T that can listen to you as you talk about your past and how you struggle now.

You can also come here an post or vent or share whatever you need and there are several members here that are good listeners and are also "very supportive". You are not as alone as you think.

Actually, the fact that you are alone is also a plus because the healing process takes a while, and often people who don't have PTSD just don't understand the challenge of it, and they can add more challenge to it just by not knowing how to understand you.
You will do much better with a good therapist and support groups that will validate you, and remind you to be patient and give yourself some time to heal. And, the program is also helpful because you will have access to others that will also support you in your ongoing effort to stay sober and learn to live your life in healthier ways.

This is a time in your life right now for healing, and it really is time for you to finally take time to do just that, finally allow yourself to heal.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[zygo]

I too have chronic PTSD from early childhood abuse and trauma. I have never found happiness or peace. I am working very hard in my journey though. My boys are the reason that I am still alive and trying. Honestly today I feel very sad, no particular reason, just sad and tired. I also had a dad that abused my siblings and me. I know how much it hurts. Please take care. I wish you inner peace and calm.