[Troy]

I've sometimes thought of volunteering in some way to go back to combat. There are even civilian positions that I could take. It seems like a safe place to me. A place where I know how to act and what is expected of me. Everything since the war has seemed like a theatrical role, something I'm acting out, trying to remember the script and act on cue.

I think I would feel more at home creeping through the jungle at night, well camouflaged in black grease paint, carrying a rifle ... knowing that I owned the night. Watching ppl without they're knowing that I'm even there. Making plans.

Rendezvous at the gap in the mountains. Pouring the bug repellent all over at night, and picking off leeches in the daylight. Taking care of the infections that leap into any open scratch or abbrasion. Taking off boots and socks in the sunshine to prevent trench foot. Undressing totally to avoid crotch rot from being wet all the time. Passing out medicine to kill ring worm and prevent malaria.

Laying in watch at ambush sites. Stifle a sneeze or cough. Don't even move if an insect bites you because the enemy will see your location. Feeling the adrenalin rush as we hear the enemy approach. Feeling the blended calm and the rage as they get closer and closer.

Disarming booby traps. Cleaning weapons by feel in the darkness. Handling grenades, just waiting for the exact moment to pull the pin and throw. Letting the handle fly away and holding the ticking explosive until the count of five and then throw, dropping to the ground to avoid the blow back of shrapnel. Feeling the heat from explosions as the dirt falls back on you.

Feeling the jolt of bombs exploding nearby. Hearing the shrapnel fly overhead. Listening to artillery fly by. Hearing the sound of bullets snapping past your ears and smiling because you know that one missed you.

Watching napalm bombs tumble from jets that swoop in on the target. Standing amazed at how the napalm fire rolls across the hill side Smelling the stink as the chemical burns and recognizing that it smells good when you need it to stay alive.

Smelling the stink of burning barrels of crap from under the outhouse privy as the black smoke of diesel fuel and excrement fills the air. Rolling to the side and taking a leak in the dark because it is too dangerous to stand up, to even move.

Eating cold cans of food in the dark, hoping to get the whole "meal" down before gunfire erupts somewhere, and trying to guess what it was supposed to be.

Holding a crying soldier. Crying at their injuries. Crying at their deaths. *tears. Having memorial services in the jungle. Sending notes to parents. Seeing the skinny ankles of a wounded teenager and the terror in their eyes ... very sad...a reminder that these are boys, not warriors.

They taught us how to kill using every weapon imaginable, even our bare hands ... but they never taught us how to close the eyes of warriors who fall in battle *tears

And the joy after a battle ... dead lying all around ... wounded groaning and being cared for. Helicopters coming and going. Smoke grenades of different colors wafting through the air to mark our location ... and the joy of being alive. Tears for the wounded and dead. True joy while wiping away the tears -- true grief. That alone is enough to fill a warrior with guilt for a lifetime.

How weird is that? How weird? How inhumane, uncivilized, animal like?

How weird that I would want to return, that I would feel safer in that environment?

*tears *panic

T.

[Doh2007]

I don't think it's weird at all. My nephew was a marine and deployed to Afghanistan twice and Iraq for the start of the war there. He came home for a while and left the service. But now he's back in Iraq working as a civilian for the Air Force. He said he couldn't find the sense of support and comraderie in the private sector. The money is also a factor. He's going to be working in Afghanistan soon.

So no. I don't think you are weird at all. It makes sense that being a warrior is what you were trained for and what you excelled at. There's no shame there. It must be frustrating trying to deal with how mundane everyday life can be when your heart is being torn apart.

[Troy]

Doh ... exactly !

"It must be frustrating trying to deal with how mundane everyday life can be when your heart is being torn apart."

[nowheretorun]

((Troy)))) i love how you grabbed Doh's line in her response and re-quoted what she said... how true is that.... thank you Doh, thank you Troy...

[BalishBun]

to answer your question, i do beleive you are in the right place.