The In-Between place

I have been having a really hard time being caught in the in-between place, its like a window, where on one side of the payne you can look out, I find myself pounding to break the glass but it wont shatter...outside everything moves so slow..peoples lips move but I cant think of words..just bang my head on the payne until I cant anymore..just numb..

I call that place my tunnel area. This area is also called being co-conscious by professionals.

Not completely gone to la la land. just barely still connected to the present and reality. at the same time that the memory pieces are replaying.

I don't have a pane of glass but its like looking through binoculars the wrong way. Everything seems so far away, and anything anyone says is kind of muffled like they are talking to me through gallons of water. Kind of like how you hear after going swimming and there is still water in the ear canal. When I am in my tunnel I don't see my whole body or the memory piece that is replaying.I know what as going on. Using grounding tools and locating the trigger I am able to stop which ever memory piece that has been triggered from replaying and I am once again in control of what I am saying and doing.For example when I was sitting in my depression management class and I would get my tunnel area feeling I would change positions figure out what is making me feel this way - (topic of conversation and so on) then I would write it down and why it bothered me and then rub my fingers over the textured designs om my sneakers, find the person who is talking and focus on their voice and paying attention to what they are wearing and the smells in the room I would also take something to drink with me to class and so I would also take a drink. By doing this I am reconnecting with all of my senses at once and then the disconnected feeling stops so I no longer act out pieces of memories.

Thank you Myself...I have been telling my Therapist it starts out as feeling like a layering of sorts..I must be getting triggered...when we talk about it later I get bits and pieces of the conversation or at times nothing everything is gone..but he says I am just sitting there staring at him..when I try and come back to soon I get hallucinations thrown at me, like a dual screen is occuring, he is in the back but the hallucination is in front of him, usually it is very visually graphic, and violent.and out of context of what we had started to discuss...and I can hear his voice, but very distant, cant make out words..but my attention is riveted on what I am seeing.but I just sit there, frozen, like behind the window, and the curtains get drawn shut..I have awoken with him staring at me..he knows I am gone, just not sure where..the best I could describe it was like a window with me on the other side of the payne..but when the alters are active and start I feel like a passenger when I try and take the wheel, I get thrown back behind the glass..like in a taxi, or bus...the images I am seeing could no way have happened..but I understand where it is coming from..thank you again Myself..

Just another thing about the outside voices..I made my T smile when I told him it reminds me of the Charlie Brown's teacher..you know the "Waa..wa.Waa..wa"...I hear the tone, but everything else is "waa..wa.waa..", then I am gone..i try and stay focused, but it starts at times so subtle, its automatic, my DID group Therapist has more expereince in the field and told us, and I have watched her do this, is when you have started to dissociate, she talks very slow and soft, and gets at eye level never above or looming, and tries to get you to identify and name 5 objects in the room near you, this is before a switch has occurred..but the dissociation is very evident..it usually can take a person quite a while to get the first 3 objects out, I know with me when I try and think by the 4th object I am sensing outside stuff again..and the waa.wa.waa.wa..is more word..word..word..but you really have to be able to identify that your going into the process to catch it..I think that is where my T and I need to work more..so I dont get stuck behind the window or in the tunnel as much in sessions..Thanks again Myself

LOL not at you at the waa waa waa. EXACTLY I know someone is talking but the fine tuning is off. LOL

I think I remember somewhere in my blog explaining how SKR and I worked this part but Ill put it here too -

SKR and I would be talking and Id be suddenly gone and she would be left talking to me acting out memory pieces while I was mentally floating off into la la land. After I told her about being diagnosed MPD (now called DID) years ago she asked what happens and all I could tell her then was I heard static and was in my tunnel then I was in la la land floating on my musical clouds listening to my music.

One day she asked me to start telling her when I hear my static getting louder and when I am in my tunnel.

A few sessions after this we were talking about I don't rremember what but I do know that it was just something of normal chit chat, and out of the blue and with no warning she said "where are you in the nightmare?" I answered just as fast "in my bedroom I don't want to talk about this" She got up and sat in the chair next to me and said "too late we already are where in your bedroom?" "In my bed the static is getting louder" and I was gone to la la land.

When I became aware again she told me she knew what the static was and had me look at the time it was past the time when the session was supposed to be over.

The next time she sprung a hard topic on to me she didn't let me go to la la land so easily. She moved her chair right in front of me and made me look at her and tell her what barrette she was wearing, did I like her green shirt, once I calmed down she told me that we were going to continue and she wanted me to stay where I could see and hear her for however long I could.

I call those sessions marathon sessions because she would fire questions at me and just as fast I would answer and at the same time we were going the distance to see how long I could hold on and keep answering that I could still hear and see her and answer questions about what she was saying wearing and so on.

At first I couldn't do it then as we did the marathon sessions more I became stronger at staying connected to the present while experiencing the memories. Its not easy but with practice it will happen.

now I ometimes I actually surprise myself. At my last session with LL we were setting up for doing and recording a relaxation visualization. she asked me if I wanted a calendar she was handing out calendars from the local girl scouts club. and I am looking at it and she said something about a picture of a snake.

As far as I knoow I have never told LL that one of my triggers is snakes but at the mention that there was a snake in one of the pictures I got that floaty tunnel area feelings I saw my hand start shaking so I acted like I was flipping through the pages of the calendar to mask the hand shaking then I bit down a little bit on my inside of my cheek checking to make sure I could still feel then I focused on the other pictures and then I backed up to the snake picture and said - "Oh that little thing" As if I see snakes everyday of my life LOL then put the calendar in my back pack which was a disguise for feeling the texture of the small bead pillow that was inside by back pack for times when I need comfort and reconnecting with the present.

I thought I pulled off this last part of the bluff but at the end of the session LL made the comment that my back pack sure holds alot and asked what was in there. LOL busted!

I listed off some stuff and shoed and told her - oh just my coat because it was raining when I left the house - then distracted her from the rest of the contents by pulling up my medical baggie next with my medical card and my Declairation for mental health treatment form. right on cue she took my new monthly medical card and went to make a copy of it.

LL now knows me TOO well she can see through my bluffs LOL which I gues is a good thing.

Hang in there (((((((((((((Evangelista)))))))))))
It gets easier I promise.

Sometimes, I can't understand what people are saying. It like they mumble. But the noise in my head makes it worse.
Lilith

sometimes having my therapist speak louder helps. all I have to say is one word - "what?" and my therapist speaks louder so that I can hear her through it.

With SKR sometimes she would sit next to me writing and drawing diagrams of what she was saying. maybe that will help you too.

Lilith,
I get the same thing! It happens a lot in session especially when T is talking about things that trigger the alters. I space out and he has to call my name several times to get me back.

Myself,
I also have to ask T what he said, a lot. Again, when he broaches subjects that are disturbing to me.

Just thought I'd share.

Songbird

Glad you did (((((((((songbird))))))))
its by sharing that we don't feel so alone. hang in there.

Thank you all again for being open and supportive and sharing your own experiences..it does help to know that there are others out there struggling but surviving, while offering compassionate understanding of something that is so very hard to cope with..((Songbird)) thank you for sharing..

I honestly just realized that I do this too the other day. I had always assumed I had a hearing problem, but it is totally like you all say!

like, I can see them, and I can see their lips moving, but its like I cant understand english or something - I hear sounds but it doesnt make any sense to my brain. I usually feel panicky when it happens right after.

This is a good thread because I think many of us have this feeling...for me it is "numbing out" I can hear sounds around me but I cannot comprehend it. Or better said, my brain doesn't register it. I am like that with sight but I become focused on color or shape then the actual object.
Hope your doing ok Evangelista!
HUGS
Cher

This is an interesting thread. A friend was trying to explain the very thing this post is talking about and I didn't know how to help her. So for me to better understand and maybe be a help to my friend in the furture i'd like to ask a few questions.

First, why does the mind/body react in these ways such as the muffled hearing and feeling so far away. What is happening in the body that makes these things happen? I understand a trigger may start it.. But what I don't understand why the body reacts in these ways. In other words, what is the "cause" of these reactions inside the body? ( Sort of an example.. Some people's eyes get all red and puffy around cats.. The reason is they are allergic to cats) Cause and reason . The cause is the cat, the reason is the body is having an allergic reaction to the cat so their body reacts by their eyes getting red and puffy)

Second, maybe I can help her should this happen again when she is visiting me.. What can I do to help her? Is there anything I could say or do to help her when this happens?

RaidioFlyer,

It's kind of you to want to help your friend. To answer your question, I think, The body can react in many different ways, it's called a psychosomatic reaction. Some people present with allergies (a histamine reaction) and then one day, after the trigger is gone, they're not allergic anymore. Just as the fight and flight response work, so does psychosomatic reactions when it comes to triggers. The body tries to defend itself. The mind says something is wrong and the body reacts according to the mind. Very interesting stuff actually. It all works with neuronets and how those connections were formed when a given memory is created. The great thing is, new neuronets can be formed and reformed with a change in association. It's really cool stuff.

As for helping your friend, what works for me, and everyone is different, my T see's that I'm not hearing him - he's learned to identify "the look" and you will too with practice - and he gently calls my name until I respond or look at him. That's just me. Then he repeats what he is saying like nothing happened. Sometimes, he asks where I was "just now" so we can explore the trigger. That is also an option - not to give her therapy but recognize the trigger so it can be avoided or whatever.

Hope this helps. Again, this is what my experience is. Not everyone is the same.
Songbird

Thanks Songbird & Daisy. Your reply was helpful and interesting.. Think I will do some online searches on psychosomatic reactions and neuronets. Very interesting indeed..

Thanks again....

(((Songbird)))