[Troy]

Moved here from Survivors of Abuse ... includes references to childhood abuse

Arghhhhh... I just feel I should take down this post. Instead, I keep adding to it. It has become a little test of courage to keep the post and my separate replies up here and on another site. Recollection and telling are bringing threatening dreams. Awake every hour or so last night with dreams in between.

I'm beginning to see connection between the childhood abuse and combat where there was no fear, just rage when in contact with enemy. When they threatened me or my team, it was just anger and rage, and this time I had the tools to protect us and fight back.

No matter whether it was a sniper or in full battle, the adrenalin flowed and rage took the shape of bullets and grenades and bombs. Explosions. Fire. Smoke. and always, always, always, some blood.

Even then, with the world's most sophisticated war fighting tools, I could not protect them all. So the guilt of childhood becomes tangled with the guilt of war. *tears

Thanks for suggestions to explore T with VA, but probably won't engage VA in this. That might be good for me, but it would bring a train wreck for those ppl around me. I cannot cause more suffering. I am sorry.

No matter how many times ppl tell me that this isn't my fault or that I am not to blame, my emotions resist it. And I do feel so stupid and such a wimp no matter how often ppl point out the courage involved in surviving it and telling it and all the other stuff. Many of you tell me that my experiences are individual and cannot be compared to others experiences.

You are right. I know that. But how can I even ask for support when so many of you have been raped and beaten and treated severely ... winding up disabled entirely, blind, wheel chair bound...with constant, ongoing threats.

When I visit this memory I see that skinny 10 yr old boy and all the rest of you who have gone through trauma of all kinds. *tears for all of you

[sabby]

Ahhh yes...the idea that our own issues cannot possibly be as bad as what others have gone through in life syndrome.....I used to think the same way Troy.

In time, I was able to understand that no matter what each individual has been through, our experiences are important to who we are and how we feel. Maybe we look at other's issues and have empathy for what they went through and think it had to be worse than what we went through.....but we have to understand that it is all relative....and what we go through is ours to deal with regardless of the degree of the abuse or the pain.

When it comes to suffering, we all own a piece of the pie. No better, no worse.....it is ours to deal with. Wishing you well Troy!


sabby

[Troy]

Thank you sabby ... *tears

[bluenarciss]

As I see it, nobody who needs help, care and healing has in any way to apologize for that or feel ashamed for that.

It is not a question of moral reasoning or evaluating at all.
A victim of trauma or injury is not to be blamed for the damage done. This cannot enough be emphasized!

And nobody in need of help and treatment should feel guilty for asking for help.

The comparison between different degrees of damage is in my view cynical and inhuman and violating human dignity. This kind of thinking should be strictly disapproved and rejected, especially in public or political debates, but no less in one's own thinking.

It is a very saddening fact that many victims think bad of themselves and seem to have lost most of their self-esteem and self-respect. There is absolutely no reason to do so! And, not to forget, that doesn't help at all - to the contrary, it is like going over to the side from where destruction and damage came.

I think it is important to stand up and say no to that. To claim one's position and stand. This is not selfish! It is okay to defeat oneself - and self-defense seems necessary, as long as recovery is not complete and vulnerability still lasts.

Maybe these thoughts will not bring much comfort, because there is a gap between rational insight and emotional reactions. But maybe after a while a change in thinking changes the course of emotions.

Wishing well,
bluna

((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) you are not a wimp and you have been through so much. you really are brave for just being here. take care