* TRIGGERING TALK ABOUT THE ABUSE

* TRIGGERING TALK ABOUT THE ABUSE
Caution Triggering talk of the abuse !
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* TRIGGERING TALK ABOUT THE ABUSE
I know this isnt going to make a bit of sense, I feel like I'm dying
I just want to write it before I lose too much time to recall
anything important,tonight my husband encouraged me to call my
mother I dont often contact her since it causes flashbacks
my mother was in the talking mood, she said that my stepfather
wanted me to attend the family fourth of july get together since her
husband wouldnt go unless I was there ?????????she started talking
about the abuse things that must of happened to someone else!!!!! I
guess the things that upset me the most was the knowledge of such
situations, her denial of participation she brought it home, she
talked about people hurting me and I told her, there's no
recollection! what kind of parent sits back and leaves children for
days at a time to fend themselves from perpatrators and doesn't even
attempt to protect ! I made her life so miserable! I dont think any
of us asked to be hurt, I remember severe beatings that now she so
easily dismisses I'm so upset right now and I dont understand these
flashback feelings except they hurt allot ,we were only two when the
s*xual abuse started so how could I have opened the door when I
probably couldn't reach the handle . Then she said that I was my
stepfathers favorite he really hated me!!!!! and as for the other
stepfather she said I told her that he peed in my mouth !!! I dont
remember just that she was looking into the mirror and she turned to
me and said thats discusting and my twin repeated those words to
me!! I wonder now just how much of this was our fault if we asked
for it in some way then I guess we deserved it somehow she was
telling me how phycologically somehow I'm crazy cause I told her she
was abusive and I must have imagined it ......Now all though Its
hard to imagine the real emotion's that are atached to this,maybe I
am crazy If I am I must be an extremly rotten daughter and no wonder
she doesnt love us! I can't get my head to think straight it hurts I
dont understand .. Lori

Lori, you didn't ask for it. It's never the victim's fault, and this is one situation where I am confident about using the word never. I'm sorry that you had such rotten things happen to you. Nobody deserves that.

The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root it doesn't need its brain any more so it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure.
Rodolfo Llinas, neuroscientist (from Daniel C. Dennett's Consciousness Explained).

Dear Lauren,
I am not in a place where I can read your post but since you posted it I thought I would let you know I am thinking of you.
Take care dear one
Carrie

<font color=blue>The important thing is this: to be able at any momeent to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.--Charles Du Bos

Dear Lori,
you are stressed. Breath. The best thing I have learned is to accept that you do not need the license of others to your experience. You are not crazy you have been disturbed by enormously stressful experiences for a developing child.

Your validation does not come from them but from yourself. You are completely and utterly worthy of the natural joys to be had in childhood and they have been stolen. If you limit your recovery through their denial you are denying yourself. Do not do this. When Frances died we agreed for the benefit of an autopsy. This was a difficult choice she was so perfect she didn't go cold till I stopped holding her the next day and we were to make invasive investigation. Oh the things we never imagine having to think about. Anyway when I went in to the funeral home to dress her, I blotted fluid which had wept from the top of a vertical incision down her chest. I admired what you might consider tidy work compared to the coroner. Six weeks later at my post partum, got no baby, check up he says the results aren't in. The next week he says the autopsy was never performed. It had been the last day before Christmas eve and the mortician had terminated that day apparently it was recorded as "cancelled". Well I sat on the phone with a pathology registrar trying to make the two versions of events reconcile. Neither party was compelled to loosen the exclusive nature of the individual episodes of the one event.

I realised I was not going to subordinate myself to their position. I DID NOT REQUIRE THEIR CONCESSION OR VALIDATION for license to my own experience. Like Rapunzle says, "NEVER" adjust your recall to fit with someone else's version of events. Definitely accept that their version is their version. As your mind transformed to cope with horrific circumstances, your mother transformed events to be palatable to her own taste, selective recall. My mother too does not remember breaking so many of her 3ft dressmaker rules on my brothers that she started using the rubber hose from the washing machine, at least it wouldn’t break first!!

The influence they seek to have over you is pathetic, “she said that my stepfather
wanted me to attend the family fourth of July get together since her
husband wouldn’t go unless I was there ?????????” Hello? You are now responsible for his pleasure. Proclaiming they suffer by your hand. Tell ‘em to get rooted from me!!

Lori dear, do not buy into this sort of emotional blackmail. Stay where you are safe. The child is not responsible to the parent, the parent is responsible to the child. You can hope as you might that they will acknowledge your truth but this is the same woman who was helpless at helping you in the first place. You won’t get what you seek from her so stop doubting your own experience by pandering to her. They don’t want to face the demons or look into the ugly mirror. Do not be disturbed by this.

Give yourself license to your own experience and do not hinge it or adjust it based on their consent.

Sorry Lori if I have been too slap slap. My words are given for you with love and respect, please forgive my blunt forthright manner.

With fond regard Frances.

thankyou Rapunzel

Thank you safe gentle hugs if its okay Lauren

Hello Frances we have missed you .we thought about what you wrote, this whole last week and it was very helpful in getting through the week , wey're so sorry about your experiences , many of us as well as other family members can validate our experiences so for now we just step away from the stranger that calls herself a mother and as for the stepfather he is nothing ! allthough lori longs to have a relationship with them it isnt possible we love you Frances no offense taken by your post your friend alaways Lauren

Hello Frances we have missed you .we thought about what you wrote, this whole last week and it was very helpful in getting through the week , wey're so sorry about your experiences , many of us as well as other family members can validate our experiences so for now we just step away from the stranger that calls herself a mother and as for the stepfather he is nothing ! allthough lori longs to have a relationship with them it isnt possible we love you Frances no offense taken by your post your friend alaways Lauren

Hello Lauren,
Thankyou for the reassurance. Please know whatever I may post I hold you in the highest regard. I read in your writing you have clarity of thought re mother.

I think sometimes we wish our mothers would come through for us and everything would get better. Not a happening thing!! Moving forward requires us to let go of that which holds us back.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
With fond regard Frances.