Troy's break - extended

The break has lasted a little longer than I thought it would, but I think it will become permanent. I probably won't be back.

That sucker on ptsdforum.org and his obsession that we're looking for sympathy has really taken the wind out of my sails. I'm not back at square one. I'm way back beyond that and furious about this accusation --- and digging in my heels the way us ptsd ppl do, over reacting, taking the "I'll show you I can do it" route, pretty much deciding that I'd really rather go it alone.

Thank you to everyone here who cares, but this ignorant remark of Anthony's (the owner of ptsdforum.org) just puts me back in my corner.

I'm putting all the secrets back in the box and locking the lid. It was a mistake to think I could bring them to light, that things would be better if someone else knew the stories.

At first it felt very positive, like I was making huge progress, but now I can clearly see that I have only been rubbing old wounds and making them raw.

I tried the business of acting happy, trying to laugh again, trying to actually fit the "stage face" that I've worn for so long. Seems like I should just go back to acting and leave the real me out of it. Just today, I thought I was acting happy-go-lucky, and someone close to me asked if I was ok. ... that I was acting as though I was very mad about something. Shows how good an actor I am.

The anger is under the skin. People seldom see it. No one knows that the rage simmers there. I don't think I really need those "would be" friends, and the damage will just be greater when they depart as I know they will anyway, especially if they find out the real me.

People really don't give a s* about the warriors anyway. Even when they ask, I can see the glaze come over their eyes as they start to get the answer -- and those are the mild answers, not the hard core stuff.

There are way too many "I's" in this writing, but they seem to be necessary to describe what's going on.

I was one of America's toughest soldiers, one of the toughest in the world. Trained to survive and thrive in the worst conditions, to reach the objective, succeed in the mission, and live to tell about it. This sojurn into the survivor/ptsd arena was maybe a distraction. I can do this on my own.

I'll just pack these thoughts back into the box and resume the position I was in when I arrived here. It seems that I have escaped the desperate things I was doing when I arrived on the scene with survivor sites. The thought crosses my mind sometimes, but I don't feel that strong attraction that I did earlier. For this I thank everyone.

As I type this, I'm having a serious deja vous and feeling like I've typed it before. The stories about my deja vous experiences and clairvoyancy haven't been told here (or elsewhere), but the upshot is that such a strong deja vous means that I must be very cautious; something bad is imminent. It can be avoided if I'm vigilant. The deja vous is a warning to change direction. This confirms my thoughts about jumping out of the forum.

I don't know what's on the other side, but it seems that following this path of telling the stories and being accused of self pity just isn't the route I want to take. My fingers were getting pretty good at revealing stories I'd forgotten, but even a wounded psyche isn't going to put up with a whack over the head.

Regretfully, leaving here means losing contact with some cyber friends. I don't know how this is going to impact me. I haven't had a friend for decades IRL. Your support is very much appreciated. These simple words don't seem enough to tell you how much your support has meant to me.

I don't have the nerve to PM a farewell to individuals. Perhaps some of them will visit this post and see what has happened.

If we were actually together, I'd hug you good bye, have very brief eye contact as the tears started to surface, and turn away for a long walk to the nearby airplane. The sun is setting behind the airplane and shines on your face as you look toward me.

Just before stepping into the aircraft at the top of the stairs, I'd turn, almost look at you, and raise a hand, almost like a wave, before stumbling over the threshold because of the tears flooding my eyes as I go through the door.

From the window, I'll watch you shrink into history as the plane picks up speed and takes off.

That's how I'd say good bye IRL. I don't know how to say good bye here. I am sorry. *tears

And later, much later, after I've calmed down, I'll write a note to Anthony and thank him for freeing me from this idea that I'd like to do something about the ptsd.

troy hon I think you are wrong. I think the people here are pc are very caring. I hope you reconsider and give us a chance here. maybe stay away from the other place. I am sorry someone said that to hurt you and others, especially someone that created the place to begin with. I think it is a crying shame. please reconsider.

Troy, don't bring from another site elements that don't fit in here, and punish us with your absence. Please.

Part of what may have happened (in addition to the treatment you received from a possible disordered soldier over at the other site) is that you shared too much too fast. IDK, just thinking maybe.

Don't say goodbye here (not allowed to anyway.)

PTSD doesn't go away on it's own. Regardless of what Anthony over there thinks, well... I know of trained doctors that don't have a clue about PTSD, don't you? Chalk this guy up with the other ignorant people. If he is coping for the time being that way, so be it... but obviously it isn't for you.

You need to begin to heal Troy. I think you took some bold steps here. You don't need to leave, and I don't expect you to, but to reconsider.

Listen man, with PTSD it's very easy to feel someone's attacked you, and usually yeah, they have... but it's part of the disorder... it is a part of learning how to not feel attacked (especially by someone who "should know better" you know what I mean?)

Stay away from that site, if you must. I know the desire to make them see the light, is strong, you NEED them to understand... but we can't work that way. It isn't in our own best interest. For the time being at least, PC is a good place to be for you... you can use it for your own best interest.

You already have some friends here. Change your mind, don't run away, let's fight this together?

Take an extended break if you must.

Many of the members here have had to do that, though they felt they had to leave PC entirely.
It's a reactive event, imo... not something that has to be done usually.
It's quite common with ptsd no matter what the cause... this FIGHT OR FLIGHT.

You're feeling the flight aspect right now.

been there, done that...

(((((((((((( Troy )))))))))))) safe hugs to you.

I feel badly for how you were treated at the other site and I'm very sorry that you've gone into a tailspin as such because of it. It doesn't feel good, that much I do know. Triggers and such can bring us back to the original wound....so close....so painful

Unfortunately, in our trek of healing, we are brought back there more than we want to be. Each time we are brought back there, we have another opportunity to learn from it and to heal and grow. I liken it to a dance of sorts....a few steps forward, a couple steps backwards, sometimes dancing in place, then a few more steps forward.

Stepping out of your box, your comfort zone (which many times is not really all that comfortable but what you are used to more than anything) is a very difficult thing to do. Opening the door and peering around it to see what's on the other side is sometimes all one can accomplish for a time. The important thing is to continue with the process....even when so very difficult and scary and painful. Baby steps.....that's all it takes to make progress Troy, baby steps.

I too, hope you do not leave PC. Even if you can't post for awhile and just sit here and read or feel a connection with folks here....there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that. When the waters feel safe again....dip your toe in and check it out. Take things in your time, no one here is rushing you or pushing you. I hope you will take some time to reconsider Troy.

Wishing you all the best Troy.....we do care!


sabby

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Troy said:

I'm putting all the secrets back in the box and locking the lid. It was a mistake to think I could bring them to light, that things would be better if someone else knew the stories.


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Hi Troy....

I think it is important to remember that on sites or forums dealing with emotional and/or mental issues that you are going to be exposed and challenged with a variety of issues that might make you uncomfortable. It is a continuum we are all on and one persons progress or lack of it does not define the entire community.

I have been allowed to contribute in a variety of settings via this medium and have witnessed much of what you describe. Validation comes in many forms and one is confrontation...attention derived by critical assessment of another member...

My advice...don't play....

This forum..PC...I have found to be wonderfully accepting of people. The membership and staff make every effort to put another persons perspective in the mix,,rather than exposed as a target for our own issues...But,,that is only my opinion.

We are only as sick as our secrets and I hope you find a place where you are comfortable exposing them...for the shadows they create in our psyche are enormous and often cloud all aspects of living...

I truely hope it is here...because we all benefit from the light that emerges from an extinguished shadow...

Please be good to yourself...

Lenny

Troy
You be no means are looking for sympathy....
Please do not let another site take you away from here
we all care here at pc
Understanding PTSD is so hard.
Took me years to reliaze what it was myself and I have it...
Take another look at pc and know we all care here
we want you to stay
((((((((you matter here)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
muffy

Troy--putting your "stuff" out there and sharing it for the first time is terrifying. Then add to that mis the depth of your pain, well I understand how you'd want to leave.

Try to just sit with the knowledge that people have not turned away from you here, if anything they've turned towards you and embraced you.

I hope you'll stay. If your words are that troubling to you, Doc John will remove them. It's ok.

But I also wanted to add, there are vets out there who are looking for a home too. If they stumble upon your words, their relief that they've found someplace they might finally belong (if in fact any of us ever do) will be overwhelming and that is a good thing.

Dearest Troy its been a long time since we have talked..but..

I just wanted to say that5 having PTSD too I completely understand what you are feeling. But I also think you have done an incredible job of sharing and creating a forum here for yourself and any others who have stumbled across this site looking to feel normal again or just have a brighter day.

If you need to take a break, take a break. But you don't have to shut the door completely! You can visit us ANY time, if just to read, or to post a hello, or just sit a while.

I personally(opinion) don't get the comment from the other site. Sympathy? Well you deserve tons of it I think. Are you asking for it? I can't say that for sure but what I can say is that you are worth every bit of help and hugs you get and you deserve to feel better.

I hope you still read these