[Troy]

When I first found PC I read a lot of forums and lurked in the background. I was terrified of posting, but I eventually found that I could chat, especially with a couple of new found friends here. And later, i got up the courage to post something - took it down - reposted - took it down, and finally the friends encouraged me to leave it posted for a couple days and see how worked.

Most of the posts are still on line. And as my secrets came out, I remembered more and more until the feeling of desperation that drove me to PC was overwhelmed by the feeling of despair in the memories. I quit reading forums because I felt worse and worse for those who experienced all of these terrible things.

And I slowed down on the chats because I felt like I was saying the same thing over and over, perhaps finding a new friend here and there who heard the secrets for the first time. Revealing the secrets had a good result initially, a feeling of freedom from the abuse and the ptsd, but with each telling came more memories that I had previously boxed up and put away.

My feelings of inadequacy and phoniness actually grew as I realized that I was a much worse person that I originally recognized. If people only knew who lived on the inside of this skin they wouldn't think I was such a great guy.

First, I stopped reading the forums. Then I stopped chatting. Then I quit communicating with the few friends who had supported me. I had felt like a creep for telling all these secrets, especially the military ones which made me even feel disloyal. And now I feel like a creep for abandoning the friends I've made here. But I know well the feeling of being a creep.

I took a break form PC. Came back. Felt awkward. Felt like I was repeating my stories while adding new memories. Posted a little. Didn't chat much.

Then came the magnetism of the habits that drove me to find PC. Somewhat modified, but nonetheless, a definite reversal from the progress I'd made in PC. And you know what? It felt good. Touching around the fringes of misbehavior felt so good that it put away some of the memories, so you can guess the next step. More misbehavior, and more forgetting of trauma.

I've pretty much embraced the misbehavior again. It isn't physically dangerous to anyone and I don't think it's illegal. I know it is inadvisable, but it is far better right now than following those memories.

Maybe this posting will explain to my friends why I've been away. I know they won't approve, but at least they'll know what's what. I really hope this posting is just part of the cycle, that I'll return to the path of escape, but for now, I'll probably just fade into the background.

As I type those words, I know I'm a creep for letting everyone down. Maybe this whole phase will pass. Pray for me.

T.

[bebop]

troy it is good to see you again. you know though that we have to get it out and share it to get rid of it. while yes I agree it will bring up more memories that is the way to get them out to deal with them. if we keep burying them they will stay inside and fester like a huge boil. deal with them little at a time if you need to. allow the pain for a bit then take a break. no one expects a person to deal with it all at one time hon. that would be too much on any person.