[Capp]

crap

local military installation is having maneuvers right now. heavy artillery and machine gun fire.JC...
ten minutes ago, I was all right.
when it started, I damn near hit the floor and started listening for the choppers coming in...mind started making sure everything was set up
please no crispy critters. chopped meat is enough enough
wondering how many were coming in/slipping into to rote mindset
tears wondering how many were gonna die, tears dried
mask on

I'm home, I'm ok, it still doesn't feel good
like these things are supposed to feel good

local news sources stopped announcing when they would be having them. I understand why.
it doesn't make it any easier to hear

Puke time then I'll settle down and roam PC

this sucks damnit
I gotta quit shaking

[Sannah]

, I'm sorry that you have to suffer like this Capp. Sounds like you are grounding yourself though. This is so unfair.........

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( capp )))))))))))))))))
That really does suck, have you considered getting some earplugs and keeping them handy or even turning some music on really loud to try to drown out the sounds. Sending you many hugs.

[Capp]

Originally Posted by gimmeice

(((((((((((((( capp )))))))))))))))))
That really does suck, have you considered getting some earplugs and keeping them handy or even turning some music on really loud to try to drown out the sounds. Sending you many hugs.

Thanks Gimmeice
Actually I have tried doing those things and more...
During my treatment for PTSD, most of us came to the conclusion that in some ways it made it worse. In most ways, at least for me, it's easier to ride it out.

Today was harder, I think, because it's the 2nd anniversary of my mother's crossing over.
Both my parents are buried in the main post cemetery so my mind was already on "military" things. Although I had issues with them from the childhood trauma--neither were my abuser--I've been able to let go of many of them.
Dad was a Vet, along with my brothers...one whose name is on the wall. My SO is a Vet as I am too, obviously.

So the pot was already simmering, I guess.
I took care of both my parents while they were dying. My mother died in my arms...a promise I made to her. Thinking about holding her and then the shelling...maneuvers started led me back when I would be holding the hands of these wounded kids while they died.

I hate that I used the terms crispy critters and chopped meat. Unfortunately that was a macabre way we handled the volume and horrific wounds these youngsters came in with.
I say youngsters when I speak of them, but I wasn't much older than most of them.

I slept two hours, though. Have a monster headache now, but I'm all right. I'm listening to the flute music of Robert Windpony, and it almost always renews me.

Thank you for your support,
Cap

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by Capp

I'm listening to the flute music of Robert Windpony, and it almost always renews me.

Wonderfull choice in music Capp...there is something heavenly about the harmonics of the flute and those that play it....the harp too.....

I saw the face of the devil once Capp...Like the hell around him..it never leaves you. It changes you. I cannot change back.

So...I have found that when I stare back at him when he appears he backs away a little each time...Someday,,,I envision,,he will be a speck upon the horizon...still a part of my world,,,a piece of the picture upon the canvas of Lenny...but such a minute brush stroke....that only my insolence will find him...



Lenny

[Capp]

Originally Posted by Lenny

Wonderfull choice in music Capp...there is something heavenly about the harmonics of the flute and those that play it....the harp too.....

I saw the face of the devil once Capp...Like the hell around him..it never leaves you. It changes you. I cannot change back.

So...I have found that when I stare back at him when he appears he backs away a little each time...Someday,,,I envision,,he will be a speck upon the horizon...still a part of my world,,,a piece of the picture upon the canvas of Lenny...but such a minute brush stroke....that only my insolence will find him...



Lenny

Thank you, Lenny.

Robert Windpony plays like my first husband did--pure flute with no synthesizing sounds. Before he died, he tried to teach me to play the flute. I barely learned a bit, but it brought me closer to him and to his clan. It was my effort not the result that mattered...

Oh yeah that devil.
Lenny, sometimes I wonder about it. I don't think it ever leaves us, and it does become smaller over time. But I do have these episodes although they are fewer and less terrifying now. At one time I couldn't ground myself and that was the pits.
I'm very grateful for getting grounded more quickly...I've a desire to pass on to others with PTSD that it does get better. Like you said, though, you face it and it shrinks bit by bit.

Thank you for sharing with me and for your encouragement, Lenny.
Part of my spiritual path is the belief that kindness is returned to you ten times over. Much good will come your way, my friend, when you least expect it.

Peace and Power,
Cap

[nightbird]

I have been doing some work, on my own this time, with the PTSD I have. I bought this tape from BellaRuth N. who sat in for many many months with groups discussing their traumas, and she wrote a book about it called 'Invisible Heroes ~ Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal' and I know she gets it... I read the book and have the PTSD tape, and even though it's been a short while doing the inner work, the guided imagery and affirmations afterwards, along with the music and relaxation exercise, is spot on, I feel, at least for me.

There were some corners in my heart, that needed to be swept out, along with my thinking, that needed a new cleaning and shift in perspective.

I have to say it is helpful. Another tool in the toolbox.

Her work is so good, I bought a tape of hers made for First Responders and Military Personnel, Firefighters, etc, that emphasises practical solutions to their emotional and mental make-ups so that they have these coping mechanisms to use before PTSD sets ... and I donated it (for Christmas) to a neighbor of mine for the lending library at his headquarters, because his job is on the bom b squad... that's how much I feel confident and helped myself by this complimentary method of healing.

If you are interested in any of this work, you can go to www.healingjourneys.com and see what is available.

I am at a phase where I am not afraid to feel the past that haunted me, as much as I look forward to the healing I am experiencing... anyway, I just wanted to share this.

PTSD can happen to us in many ways, through lots of different experiences, but the ptsd's effects are similar to all of us, although the specifics can vary ...

I wasted a long time persuing family of origin work, etc., when the real problem was my PTSD... that afflicted me for years ... but it is getting much better.

Thank you for sharing your experience here.

Peace and healing to all of you suffering these effects.
There is help for us all, all kinds, and I hope we experience the healing so that this unpleasant unhappiness is once and for all, in the past, yet not in a a bad way, but re-shaped to fit into our lives so we can function and feel well and whole and in control ~ and we can get through it!

Peace and Love,
Night

xoxo

[Capp]

((nightbird))
I truly appreciate your support and encouragement...
Thank you for sharing about the tapes, etc..

In all honesty, and this is just my opinion, there comes a point when someone accepts that it will always be with you, albeit in a lessor way.
I still keep in touch with members of my PTSD support group. Like anything else, though, ya have to move beyond some things and trust yourself to get grounded asap and get in touch with one of your group to talk it out.
It got to the point that most of us realized that continuing to seek different methods was actually keeping us bound to the memories/PTSD. I'm not implying that we are cured...

There was no way I could have prepared for the explosive sounds yesterday. My "resources" are something I value and, again, they are fiercely protected...
Yesterday was but an episode. It didn't send me back to the jungle and the OR...although the memories still brought sadness, I know that is a part of my life and always will be. My father shared little about his experiences on Luzon, what he did share was very simple. "You are raw at first and you develop a scab and it falls off and there is the scar. It also fades with time, and you live with it. It becomes a part of who you are--a part and not a badge."

I don't know if any of this is making sense...I'm just sharing my thoughts and feelings about it.I agree with you that each of us has to find the right way for ourselves although there are so very many commonalities about PTSD/abuse.
I also think it's very important that we share what has worked for us...


Cap

[Troy]

deleted post

[Capp]

((Troy))

I'm sorry you deleted your post.

Cap

[Troy]

Ya know, Capp... I'm also sorry I deleted it. It is the one I pvt msg to you, but I don't know if I can post it back up there.... isn't it a shame when we can't even tell others the things that have happened to us.

Originally Posted by Capp

((Troy))

I'm sorry you deleted your post.

Cap

[Capp]

Originally Posted by Troy

Ya know, Capp... I'm also sorry I deleted it. It is the one I pvt msg to you, but I don't know if I can post it back up there.... isn't it a shame when we can't even tell others the things that have happened to us.

Yes it is a shame, Troy...
Combat PTSD
Sometimes I feel that it's all right to post about...my rapes...but not about the events in Nam that broke my spirit for a very long time.
It was reality for us on a near daily basis.

I had a bit of a trigger yesterday. I was watching the news about the Israeli crap when they showed a small child being carried to a hospital for its' wounds...
We had that happen
only the baby was booby-trapped underneath the rags
killed:
the medic who unwrapped it...he had 7 weeks until his flight on the Freedom Bird
several of the wounded we worked hours to stabilize
frags on the left side of my body

naw, things like that didn't happen
nurses didn't get wounded/raped/etc.
priests weren't tortured and decapitated
troops didn't come in from over the fence exhausted, dehydrated and ravenous, and stinking--but they were alive
alive

I'm in a pissy mood and should probably delete this...
but I think of our troops and know they are going through similar things and for what

When my butter bars slid off, I wasn't very happy. it meant I had done such a good job...getting an early promotion for not puking and being a champ about holding my pee

Cap

[Troy]

Oh so right ...

1. Rape - and who would you tell about it at the time ... anyone you told would say something about having put yourself in a bad position ... like it was your fault.

2. Blown up babies - and the liberal do-gooders in the USA would blame the soldier for triggering the booby trap. Can you imagine? What kind of ppl would booby trap a baby?!? A kind of religious fanatic to whom life means nothing except another revolution of karma -- outrageous ... those scenes and many scenes of combat trigger me two, but if I'm with others, I just bury it, fight back the tears.

3. You saw first hand what it was like for someone scheduled for rotation to get blown up. It happened so often in the field that I tried to send troops to the rear when they had 30 days left. We couldn't get all of them out of combat, but we tried.

4. You're a hero, Capp ... a real hero. thank you for all the troops who passed through your care center.

T.

Originally Posted by Capp

Yes it is a shame, Troy...
Combat PTSD
Sometimes I feel that it's all right to post about...my rapes...but not about the events in Nam that broke my spirit for a very long time.
It was reality for us on a near daily basis.

I had a bit of a trigger yesterday. I was watching the news about the Israeli crap when they showed a small child being carried to a hospital for its' wounds...
We had that happen
only the baby was booby-trapped underneath the rags
killed:
the medic who unwrapped it...he had 7 weeks until his flight on the Freedom Bird
several of the wounded we worked hours to stabilize
frags on the left side of my body

naw, things like that didn't happen
nurses didn't get wounded/raped/etc.
priests weren't tortured and decapitated
troops didn't come in from over the fence exhausted, dehydrated and ravenous, and stinking--but they were alive
alive

I'm in a pissy mood and should probably delete this...
but I think of our troops and know they are going through similar things and for what

When my butter bars slid off, I wasn't very happy. it meant I had done such a good job...getting an early promotion for not puking and being a champ about holding my pee

Cap

[Capp]

Thanks Troy but I am no hero...
Perhaps all of us are in our own ways?

Re the rapes. One was in Nam, the other two within the last five years. First one was "keep your mouth shut" or be reassigned to another hellhole.
I seldom include the years of abuse and torture from my childhood...another lifetime.

I found the Vietnamese people in general to be quiet and wanted left in peace to live their lives...fanatics come from every culture.
This doesn't excuse the atrocities, but in some ways I do understand it...we were unwelcome and seen as invaders...which we were.

Far too many people fell for the communist crap/domino affect...me included. I do not regret my service and I take no BS about it. Bottom line is I was voluntarily there to care for the wounded...I was so young and stupid but a fast learner. We had to be or go insane.

There was no way we could send anyone to the rear--there was no rear to speak of and we needed every pair of hands.
When we received the unit crest for the 4th Div was our first recognition of our contributions...the party was great but even better was The Hot Showers and The Food. Heaven!

Cap