[Evening]

I don't want to sound mean, I will try and say this as nicely as I can, but sometimes when I go into chat I would like to be asked how I am, especially in Support. People don't seem to say 'how are you' to anyone anymore, and when I go into support chat I usually have a reason to be in there. When people just say hello and keep chatting away, it's very hard to jump in and say 'okay I'm feeling a little dodgy right now, I need to talk'. So I just sit there and wait for the chance, because it's very difficult to ask for help or to vent something, and then I end up just logging out feeling worse than before. And because of this, I feel as though nobody has an interest in how I feel, and I keep it all to myself. It becomes increasingly harder to try and talk about things because it gives the impression I should forget about thinking anybody has remote interest in how things are for me lately.
I'm sorry if I'm sounding a little dramatic right now, I just think that people should ask how others are in chat when they enter, at least in Support. Not for me but for others too.

Thanks

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Evening

When people just say hello and keep chatting away, it's very hard to jump in and say 'okay I'm feeling a little dodgy right now, I need to talk'. So I just sit there and wait for the chance, because it's very difficult to ask for help or to vent something, and then I end up just logging out feeling worse than before.

Is that something that you'd be interested in working on? It sounds to me as though whatever concerns you might have about asserting yourself in chat, could come up for you in other situations as well.

For me, asking people to include me more or to make allowances for me hasn't usually worked that well. Sometimes they're not willing to. Other times they'll stop what they're doing and ask me what's on my mind, and I'll discover I'm not ready to talk about it.

For me, the best way to get the attention of a group of people is to get real clear about what it is I want to say to them. Paradoxically, by the time I'm there, I've often sorted out my issues and may not even need much support any more. For getting clear in the first place I prefer to work by myself and/or one-on-one, or (on rare occasions) with a small group of supportive people.

[Indie'sOK]

I agree, Evening, and I think you have a right to feel this way. The support chat is meant for just that, so at the very least everyone deserves a "how are you?"...I'm not one to just jump in and say "ok, I'm upset about this and this and this.." so I too use that opportunity to talk about what I came into the chat for.

[DocJohn]

I agree with the OP's feelings, in that it is nice to be asked how one is doing, and to give a person a chance to respond before just continuing on or ignoring the person who just entered.

I imagine chat rooms much like a cocktail party where each room is a different group of people. When you go up to a new group of people, you expect them to pause their conversation, and say, "Why, hello there! How's it going?" and the new person to respond.

In most cases, it only takes two seconds to be kind like this. And while there are exceptions -- for instance, in my hosted chats, the format is different and is Q&A based -- I hope most of our members will take this as a reminder to be supportive and kind to fellow members when in chat.

Thanks,
DocJohn

[Evening]

Sometimes when I go into chat, including the 2 times I went in there yesterday, it was basically a case of everyone saying hello, me saying hello back to everyone, and then they all carried on their conversation without a 'how are you doing?'. I can't (and I know others are the same) interrupt to start talking about my melodrama.
I know that sometimes just a regular chat is all people need so they go on just to talk, which is fine because I do the same a lot too, but sometimes others really need to get some stuff off their chest.

Hiya Evening!

I've seen you in chat a couple times. I wanted to reach out and let you know that if you see me you can always whisper or pm me in the chat room. I'm almost always available to talk, though I've been going through some really difficult times lately. I wanted to say thanks too for drawing this matter to our attention. It's so easy to get carried away in conversation. I will personally make an attempt to check in with people as they join now.

Love and hugs,
Tara

[Flooded]

I don't go near chat for those exact reasons.

[venusss]

The thing is sometimes (I don't go to support chat, mostly dwell in private rooms) the people talk about something important to them... it may seem not important to you... but for me when I am in bad place for example, I need to distract, distract, distract... so the people in chat may be too concerned with their own issues at the moment and even flood of "hellos" kinda disrupts at the moment.

I think you need to learn to be more assertive. Mostly if you ask that you need to talk, people are willing to help.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Evening,
I havent been in a chat for a while but I have ususally found that people have been very nice in chat and I have met nice people that way. When I had a problem and needed to talk and gone into a chat I just made it known "Hey Im having a bad day and need to talk will you listen?" And I have had people reply and ask what is wrong.

Evening sometimes it is hard when people come into a chat as often they come in and don't talk after people say hello. Some people don't talk, they just listen in chat.
The other situation, at least for me, is if there are a lot in chat and I am talking, I don't always see when people enter as I am trying to keep up with the lines and follow. I often notice if everyone says hello. I do try to tell the new person coming in that we are are talking about such and such and feel free to join in.

It did take me some time to figure it all out when I started coming here. And I do remember times when I entered and felt ignored. But it wasn't really me or anyones fault, no one really knew me and I didn't join in as I had suggested here.

So if you have a bad day and need to talk and you enter a chat you can start by saying, "Hello everyone, I had a bad day and need to talk" and you should get a response.

Hope that helps
Open Eyes

What I see in chats are a bunch of cliques. What I sense is come again when you do not have so long to stay. Of course it could be my engaging personality.

[lizardlady]

IMO, chat is a good place to practice "real" life skills. I remember when I first starting going into chat rooms at PC's predessor(sp?). I was uncomfortable asking people for support. Just like I was uncomfortable asking people in 3D for help. Thing is, unless you say your in a bad spot no one will know. In chat, just like in real life, people don't know we are hurting unless we speak up. I don't think it's realistic to expect people to ask everyone who enters chat how they are. As someone else pointed out, if the room is really active it's hard to keep track of people who've entered, much less ask how they are. On the other hand, I've never seen someone who said they were hurting ignored or dismissed. I've seen other members offer to go to another room to talk to them if the room was really busy.

I understand how hard it is to ask for help. Believe me I do. Been there myself. But in the end the best person to advocate for each of us is ourself.

Byz, I disagree with there being cliques in chat. It might appear that way because people who know one another talk to each other, but I never seen people snub someone like cliques do.

I have. More than a few times.

[Open Eyes]

Well Byz is right, it can and does happen. But there is ususally a reason for it.

I do recall being in chats where someone enters into a chat and what they say is inappropriate as I am recalling someone coming into a chat and talking about kind of potty talk behavior. Or is someone is following someone and leaning too much on the other person with issues that are uncomfortable for the person who is trying to politely run.

Or there can be a group or clique that has trouble accepting what they deem outsiders that they do not want in their private group. Yes, that happens in normal situations in general social contacts and interactions everywhere.

This is where one can use chat to try to build self esteem and better methods of socializing. I have seen this behavior take place in the chats. And it can be troublesome for someone who just cant seem to master good communication skills.
Especially in PC where many people are working on trying to overcome their issues.
What Evening has done is express her concerns. By her doing that some suggestions have been made and now she has an idea of a new approach to getting her needs met. That is theraputic and I would encourage others to express their own difficulties and perhaps find ways to learn how to perhaps address it.

Or perhaps we need to have a special chat that people can go to where they can address their difficulties with others and have others in that chat who will be willing to work with these individuals. A designated chat leader who can spot difficulties and private message someone who is behaving poorly and walk them through try saying this or try to make more sense or you are just coming on too strong etc.

I had decided to spend more time in the forums to take time out and learn about some of the people I see in chats. I found that I liked the forums so much that I just haven't had a chance to get back into a chat.

Open Eyes

[lizardlady]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

I have. More than a few times.

Byz, I'm sorry that happened to you. I sorry if anyone at PC feels dismissed or ignored.

Openeyes, I have seen what you are talking about regarding someone following another person from room to room to give them a hard time. When it's happened someone in the room has reported it to admin/mods. I've also seen members say something to the follower about their behavior. I agree with you about being able to use chat to develop social skills, communication skills, build self-esteem etc.

I'm sorry if anyone feels I dismissed them or their feelings. Trust me I do understand about feeling out of place, having trouble asking for help, feeling like an outsider. I've felt all of that myself. I am not trying to hold myself up as some wonderful person. What I have learned is that no one outside my own head and skin can take care of me. I have to take care of myself. If I need help I can't expect other people to read my mind and know I'm hurting. I've had to find it within myself to speak up and say "help."

I can take care of myself. It has been awhile since I have been compared to Caspar Milquetoast.

[Evening]

No you’re right VH, when I go into support chat, for support, and I don’t much more than a hello before the conversation goes back to ‘what species of animals have hands’, I just need to learn to be assertive. Sorry I asked.

[Open Eyes]

Evening what you did was good. I am sure others feel the way you do and it is good that you have brought it up in a thread. I had some problems at first in Chat too and I just kept trying and I found understanding people and they too admitted they had a hard time at first.

The whole point of bringing it up is that it allows others to know they are not alone and to keep trying. That is whole point about PC, to learn to talk it out and get support and keep trying. Is is up to us to learn how to better be assertive, yes, but that is what we are learning and you have just found out Evening to keep trying and you will get the hang of it.

Please don't think you started any trouble because you havent, your having the courage to step forward and talk about it will help others as well. Even lizardlady has had to learn to become more assertive in chat, she has now stated that she too found it a bit uneasy at first, me too. It is not uncommon to feel that way.

I see a lot of new members that are joining PC every day. It will be good for them to know that some of us here have to learn how to get more comfortable in chat.

Ok, lets all work at it and try to welcome people better in chat, that is the whole point. And for those trying to participate in chat, give it a few times and keep trying.

Open Eyes

[*doodles*]

I am sorry you feel that way. I try my hardest to acknowledge everyone in chat and ask how they are or updates if I've talked to them before. I am on alot at night, if you ever see me on, I would love to chat with you
Please don't give up on chat-I think its a great source of support!

[Open Eyes]

Thank you doodle what you have just said here was said to me in a chat. I got courage up to say I was hurt in another chat and some very nice people welcomed me into another chat and I had some wonderful chats in a time when I was really struggling. I even had some chats where I never laughed so hard in a very long time.
And everyone who was not feeling so good left that room that night feeling so much better.

Thank you doodle for showing your kindness and understanding and support.

Open Eyes

[Caretaker Leo]

Guess I'm still struggling some with how PC operates. But, I always assumed that if I went into the Support Chat room, I was doing so because either I needed support or felt as though I could offer it to others.

When I go into the Social Chat room, I assume it is a place for anyone who just wants to chat loosely and isn't looking for support.

When I enter some of the random named chat rooms, my assumption is I am going in to chat with others who happen to be there or who come in later. Very loose type of chat and I've never entered one where the people aren't friendly.

Guess to sum this up - if PC is going to designate a room as "Support", "Social", "Teen Chat", etc, then I am totally with Evening on believing that is what should happen in those rooms.

[littlebitlost]

I think lots of us are a bit hypersensitive about the whole thing..... Loads of us are caught up with our own issues....

[kaliope]

I am new to PC and found the my experience with the Support chat to be very positive. I have difficulty in social situations and am not assertive so would have only lurked if I had not been welcomed into the group. I was asked how I was doing and was able to share. Reflecting back on my times in the chat I would have to say the smaller the room, the more likely a new entry is to be asked how he/she is doing. I know I am at fault for that. I will say hi to people coming in always, and if there is not a lot of conversation going on I will ask how they are doing, but if the room is full and the screen really active,I dont ask, its too much stim going on for me to add more. I will make a point to ask from now on though.