It appears we lost a wonderful member today: "Sophiesmom". She posted a thread titled: "Goodbye". Something happened... she didn't say what. But, from the tone of her post, it sounds as though someone said something that hurt her.

I had posted one comment asking her to please reconsider. A little bit ago I had an e-mail saying that another person had replied to her post. I clicked on the link & a screen came up saying that I'm not allowed to access that post. I also can't find it in the "New Posts" listing any more either.

Why would I be blocked from returning to this post? Would it have been taken down? By whom? I don't understand what's going on & I'm hurt that I'm apparently being blocked from returning to this PC'er's post. It makes me feel as though maybe I don't belong here either!

I'm sorry she left. Maybe she will reconsider. The message you got usually means thread deleted.

There's a general policy of "no goodbye posts".

It makes sense, in that it probably cuts down on CDEs to some extent- not that when people want to leave because they are hurt or scared it's not legitimate- but if people are constantly posting "I'm leaving stuff" it doesn't seem like it would be great for the community as a whole. You could try a few things though Skeezyks

You could see if you can post on her wall on her profile, you can try to private message her, or sometimes people will have it set up so you can email them through the board.

You can also send her a friend request.
I feel like all of these might be a show of support and a lot of times people have email notification set up so she may be able to see that she is getting any one of these.

I understand the frustration, but I think it's hard to get so many people with so many pbakcgrounds, personal experiences, points of view, and individual issues to contend with without there being some mixup and hurt feelings- it probably is most important what we actually do when that happens.

I bet the poster would appreciate knowing you are trying to offer support.

[ToeJam]

I can understand where Josiethegirl is coming from… but I also share the frustration of Skeezyks.

I personally speculated on it being removed for one of 2 reasons – personal request from Sophiesmum… or by a moderator as the opening post did indicate her farewell on the basis of a mod action and warning.

If the latter… then though I can understand from a staff point of view that it may have been devaluing the decision as well as bringing into the public domain something that had been strictly administered in private… I do wonder if there could have been a better way of going about it… i.e. removing or editing the opening post along with a general reminder to all that warnings are given in private and should remain private… which would then allow for other members to continue posting as well as letting members know their posts could be reviewed by Sophiesmum at which ever point she had reflected and absorbed the incident.

By removing the thread entirely, it just felt like it was devaluing the community input by other members who showed genuine concern for her and wanted to impart how to them she was indeed part of this community.

This is just my take… but it is an MH community site… so can’t there be some tolerance and understanding allowed for members who are struggling, confused and are reaching out… or at least a little rope given after a moderators input (be it an edit or just general warning)?

Regardless and after seeing the thread was no longer visible, I sent her a pm with well wishes and stuff.

Originally Posted by ToeJam

I can understand where JosieTheGirl is coming from… but I also share the frustration of Skeezyks.

I don't actually have anything to do with how the board is run, and it's not really my opinion that things like that should be censored, to be clear.

I was just explaining- from my point of view- how I understood that it made sense.

I don't think we should be cutting off people when they are upset, nor do I feel you should be given special privilege to make the kind of post in question because you have been here longer... but that's a whole other can 'o worms- it's not my project, I'm not staff, so it's not like I have any say in policy.

I was just trying to explain from the point of view where it might make sense to implement something like that.

For reference and clarification, this is actually where it was specifically addressed by DocJohn:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/rules...%22-posts.html

Ultimately, as it says at the end of that post, the result has been: "All future "I'm leaving" posts that have not been approved by me will be removed; the guidelines will be updated to reflect this change."

Uncertain if this policy has changed- though I had trouble actually finding specific reference to it in community guidelines. I just remember reading that post by DocJohn before.

[ToeJam]

:blink: Didn't realise that I had implied anywhere that you were in a position of staff... but I apologise if my post indicated that in anyway.

And yeah, not sure if that is still enforced. I wasn't aware of that post in question but I know I created such a thread in January I think... and it was left untouched.

Thanks though for pointing out that part of the board, will give it a read through later tonight.

Originally Posted by ToeJam

:blink: Didn't realise that I had implied anywhere that you were in a position of staff... but I apologise if my post indicated that in

Nope, I don't believe you did. I think it's possible that between what I said and you response (though i feel you DIDN'T imply that), a person not as familiar with the board could perhaps misinterpret where I was coming from. I wanted to preemptively address that but failed to see it may be expressing something unintentional to you, TOEJAM.

Haha, I'm so bad at this whole... Communication thing. Sorry if I didn't offer enough explanation- I'm usually not the best at detailed responses and then not feeling great lately so having even more trouble with Teh Englishing

I do understand and appreciate the concerns here and definitely shar some of them... Just, I think my clarity button is offline!

[-jimi-]

I feel more and more expressing hurt is not allowed here. Not even hurt in general that has nothing to do with any individuals on here. Also, you can get in trouble for being attacked if you don't show a superhuman compassion and understanding for your attacker.

I guess I'm in the wrong place and I've been here since 2008. For me it's fine. I'm more sensitive seeing others hurt.

[pegasus]

http://forums.psychcentral.com/rules...%22-posts.html

It's a rule that was brought in for very good reasons. The person doing the post is upset and possibly crying out for help and does a post stating that they are leaving. This then can upset a whole community. People get triggered and think that they are the reason the person has decided to leave. Often the person who decides to leave then comes back under a new username and there can in deed be a cycle of coming and going. Yes we are human beings and form attachments here.

I do think sending PMs to friends is the way to go...

Originally Posted by pegasus

http://forums.psychcentral.com/rules...%22-posts.html

It's a rule that was brought in for very good reasons. The person doing the post is upset and possibly crying out for help and does a post stating that they are leaving.

Is this what you were intending to convey? It's just that most people who are hurt and crying out for help do actually need some sort of help. I would suggest that in a lot of cases when people make public posts about leaving, they feel as though their feelings and concerns have been pretty effectively invalidated. If a person feels like that, it's not really unreasonable to seek a sense of validation from anyone and everyone possible.

I am not every single individual who posts such a thing. I do think the purpose of the actions (to counter the feeling of invalidation by seeking validation from those who may not be "obligated" by friendship to do so) are likely rarely a conscious act.

I also know that in my personal experience, if I feel invalidated and then following that my efforts to seek validation are just completely shutdown it can be very very painful and create a much bigger issue- I mean at that point the overwhelming feeling can get to "no one is listening, my feelings don't matter". It creates the feeling that seeking support and help might actually be completely futile.

It is a very dark and scary place to be. But I am just oneperson, and I only know my experience. I couldn't possibly suggest I speak for every one.

[LaborIntensive]

Originally Posted by pegasus

http://forums.psychcentral.com/rules...%22-posts.html

It's a rule that was brought in for very good reasons. The person doing the post is upset and possibly crying out for help and does a post stating that they are leaving. This then can upset a whole community. People get triggered and think that they are the reason the person has decided to leave. Often the person who decides to leave then comes back under a new username and there can in deed be a cycle of coming and going. Yes we are human beings and form attachments here.

I do think sending PMs to friends is the way to go...

I have to agree. It is a form of tough love but more than that I am new here and already I see a see many posts of just repeated whining and people who appear to be abusing the kindness and long winded support messages only to ignore what several members wrote to aid, support or just cheer them up. I have seen this behavior in real life and is part of why I am fired from my job right now. There was a girl in another department at work who loved to whine "poor me", "no one knows how hard I work". She would run to the male boss's office once or twice a day complaining or just shooting the bull. Now no one in the office can just go "hang out with the boss." But each time I got into any kind of trouble it was due to her complaints and many were just made up. To this day I will never know what or "if" she had something against me. Sadly I am out of a dream job, income and lost all my work buddies now. To her it was just refreshing to get her way for the umpteenth time since I had been there. She got 3 others fired on her whining. At another palce I worked there was a guy who every other day or so complained how "I am going to quit, "f" this place." and yet continued to work there. He had been there 2 years prior to me and after I got fired from there he was still, still saying the same old thing. These people, these mindsets make it rather difficult to heal ourselves and try to be better humans by being loving, supportive and caring.

Now none of what I am saying directly has anything to do with someone who is actually leaving and left a message. I am unclear as to what warnings they received or what behavior caused the warnings to be generated but have to imagine that there is more going on as there was no mention of anything aside form I"I got two warnings" and soon I will be banned so I am leaving.

That left me with the impression that the person writing this was in some kind of panic about something that they themselves were unwilling to change. I for one would have made a statement as "I contacted the admin. team and they have refused to accept any apology and are not willing to tell me what I am doing wrong. I feel this policy of "X" is unfair"

So, that's my 2 cents worth about an observation made by a new member.

Originally Posted by LaborIntensive

That left me with the impression that the person writing this was in some kind of panic about something that they themselves were unwilling to change. I for one would have made a statement as "I contacted the admin. team and they have refused to accept any apology and are not willing to tell me what I am doing wrong. I feel this policy of "X" is unfair"

You are obviously entitled to your opinion. Just please think about the idea that how you make generalizations and these really swift judgements may actually be detrimental to how you are able to interact and commiserate with people.

I'm saying that simply because not everyone has been able to learn and obtain the same coping skills- some of which are often more helpful than others in reducing distress- it doesn't mean they are unwilling to change or taking advantage or kindness or any of the other judgemental things that tend to get slapped on people when they are in distress.

Maybe they don't know how to cope with panic or distress, and they haven't recieved information or guidance in a way that they can process and utilize.

It's good to know that when you feel panicky and scared and like you have no one listening to you that you are able to have the presence of mind to make such statements as the example you gave- perhaps you could use that ability in such a way that you could help others to achieve the same. This could serve to be more helpful in the long run than just cutting people off.

I have been that person who seems completely unreasonable and like I'm not listening to anyone- it's because at that point, I literally can't until I am able to get back to base line or the panicky feeling subsides.

This is a result of the Pure OCD I experience. I take responsibility for myself, but only as far as I am actually able. If I am panicking to the point where I'm not making sense and I think everyone hates me? It's difficult to turn that feeling around when given the whole "tough love" deal. What I might actually need is an indication of unconditional acceptance. I don't personally experience a lot of that.

...just sharing my experience and perspective on the matter.

Apparently others have more information about why Sophiesmom left than I do. All I read was the one good-bye post where she said she was a good person & hoped she hadn't offended anyone. But I don't recall anything about her having received a warning from a moderator (although I surmised that this might be the case from the tone of the post I read.)

I guess I've been here for a month or so now. I've already had one post taken down. (The message I received about it from the moderator was courteous, & I understood the rationale. So I didn't care.) There was also a post of someone else's I commented on that was subsequently locked.

But now, there's this. There seem to be allot of rules here & allot of people with authority who have no compunction with regard to just wielding the ax whenever they happen to feel the urge. I've read the rules. But it's difficult to keep them all in mind all of the time, especially when one is struggling with mental health issues & is anxious to communicate something they feel is important. Mistakes happen. And corrections sometimes need to be made. But it seems to me they could be made in a more conciliatory manner in most cases. Simply "disappearing" a person's post without warning seems to me to be unnecessary, unless the post is clearly provocative. It's my perspective that participants on this site could be treated a bit more gently. As an ancient Chinese scholar & government official supposedly said: "Treat the people as if they were wounded..."

[-jimi-]

Originally Posted by LaborIntensive

Now none of what I am saying directly has anything to do with someone who is actually leaving and left a message. I am unclear as to what warnings they received or what behavior caused the warnings to be generated but have to imagine that there is more going on as there was no mention of anything aside form I"I got two warnings" and soon I will be banned so I am leaving.

That left me with the impression that the person writing this was in some kind of panic about something that they themselves were unwilling to change. I for one would have made a statement as "I contacted the admin. team and they have refused to accept any apology and are not willing to tell me what I am doing wrong. I feel this policy of "X" is unfair"
.

Indirect reference has gotten people in trouble here in the past, just saying. Also personally I think you should try not to compare someone IRL with a stranger online, and despite you claim it is just general, you are making an absolute statement about them "unwilling to change" etc.

What the heck? Seriously?

You can say it is a good rule without slandering someone.

[DocJohn]

I want to chime in here with a few things...

1. We can't really comment on why a member left, or chose to leave -- that would violate the member's privacy. That's why we have the guideline about not speaking for other members or other people -- they can speak for themselves if they'd like. Without this information, you can't say how 'gently' or not a member was treated by the support team here. But I can assure you that we often bend over backward to help members bring their behavior in line with the community guidelines. Remember, we've been doing this for 13 years here -- this isn't some website community started last year. (So yeah, we may have some idea of what works and what doesn't...)

2. We have a "No leaving posts" policy for good reason. Some people -- too many -- have abused this as a way of getting attention, and then 'changing their mind.' That's fine, no judgment, but it was creating too much drama.

3. We don't post every time a thread is removed, because that would be against the "discussing admin actions." We do allow for occasional discussions (such as this one), where we can clarify the guidelines or our actions. Why don't we allow the discussion of admin actions? Because our community is a self-help community, not a place to discuss the minutiae of how we moderate the community. You're welcomed to PM me with any concerns you may have about this -- or any -- administrative issue.

Best,
DocJohn

[DocJohn]

PS - I closed this thread in case anyone was wondering. I felt like its constructiveness was complete.