does anyone else with c-PTSD feel this way?

as if you are right at the edge of a cliff and the wind is beating you; you are so close to falling and becoming immersed in the memories.



i hate having this illness.

[wheredidthepartygo]

ugh yes i can relate to this a lot. though like i feel i'm in a weird place where i'm ready for it...?
lol jk
i'm not personally ready for it but i've caused enough trauma to others while reacting to my own that i'm ready to embrace whatever pain i have to in order to do whatever i have to to stop hurting the people i love and also to stop this constant hurt in myself, you know?

it's so hard though, especially when people don't understand

one thing that helps me is to remember that it's all inevitable, falling off into the memories, because it's all already happened, all the memories, we know them because they happened to us in real life and we survived and really recognizing that it all happened won't change who we are in any negative way

idk, it's just all there and it all happened and as much as i wanna integrate all my memories and thoughts and feelings... it's still terrifying and despite the fact i know that fear is the only thing holding me back from living the life i'm actually truly possible of living (which i never believed was possible before) i still don't know how to do anything but be afraid and pretend it isn't there

i hate that i had no choice in being hardwired to react that way

[Agarwaen]

I will say that I feel like the thoughts/memories are so recycled and I am so tired of having to go through it all again, I feel like I am cornered by my own mind. The Merry-Go_Round just keeps going faster. No getting off that sucker or *splat*.

So I smoke pot. Temporary. Sure. No answer to the problem. But a respite. The wheels slow down so I can catch my breath. I've often said I felt like I was going to pop. Best way to describe it.

I'd write a lot more, on a variety of issues, but I recently discovered that my PC is hacked. No privacy. Good thing I never really got in to anything important here.

Later.

(But know that this is where I would be, communicating. If not for some people.)

[Agarwaen]

Ok. So at this point, what the hell. (Can't seem to change my mood indicator, as it's no longer there to change - but I am not 'mellow.')

There are some people, in my life, or on the periphery, that like to mock and deride every single thing I say and everything thing I feel. Apparently I am not allowed to feel. I am just an object.

I am fed up with it. Either I am being too weirded out and I am CRAZY, or it's Much Ado About Nothing. I feel like saying 'can't have it both ways.'

So, yeah, just frustrated. Not allowed to go through 1 day of life without being misunderstood. What I say, what I feel, what I am going through. Either they no longer care (very possible) or they are sick of hearing it.

I am sick of saying it. I am sick of trying to explain the unexplainable. I am sick of trying to and failing so miserably that it just digs my hole deeper.

Nevermind people that think all this is some thing I do for kicks in my spare time. That is, go through panic attacks, severe anxiety, and isolate myself. Thank God I am not the angry type. Though an occasional vent (like this) isn't outside normal bounds for me.

Yeah, feel like a stray breeze could be the one that sends me over the edge in to a dark, black mood, that I know from long experience will send me in to a tailspin of reliving the past again and again, wishing somehow I could change it.

But I am the guy that lies awake at night and counts his sins. All of them. Ever.