[PhoenixRain]

Hey there,
I'm new here and all... English isn't my first language so I apologize.
I've been looking for a c-ptsd forum/group for a while now and this is the first active one I've found so far.
It's comforting, in a way, to know that there are people out there who are experiencing the same things as I am.
I'm a bit scared of writing anything about myself, I've gotten so used to protecting myself and my family that it almost feels like betrayal.
It's strange, growing up in home that means so much to you, yet is a part of the reason I am the way that I am.
I'm 30 years old. I've been in therapy since the age of 15, and dealing with the outcome of childhood sexual abuse, emotional abuse and abandonment.
For the last few months I've been going through a more trauma-oriented therapy, a new form of CBT.
I've also been to some EMDR sessions in the past.
The therapy is taking everything out of me at the moment... but it's also helpful.
I'm learning to face and admit to myself and others things I used to keep bottled up inside or weren't even really aware of.
I'm learning to recognize and understand my shame and my guilt, I'm learning to be angry at other people but myself...
But like I said, it's a lot of work so...
I have periods of depression and social anxiety. I'm becoming more avoidant again, like I always do when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Hopefully I'd be able to feel safe here.
It's still hard... writing this. It's hard loving my family so much, yet needing someone who understands how complex it gets... inside my head.

[Open Eyes]

Hi ((PhoenixRain)), welcome to PC and the PTSD forum and newer complex PTSD forum.

I am sorry you experienced these challenges are are now struggling so much recalling them and finally sorting through the emotional challenges that present with this process.

Yes, there are other members that understand how complex it is to love family yet need to find a sense of safety to talk about your complex challenges that you are now trying to address in therapy.

You may want to take some time to read some threads in both this forum and the PTSD forum as well so you can see the kind of things different members struggle with that you can most likely relate with.

Also if you want to add anything you have learned, all support is welcome.

Again, ((Welcome to PC)))
OE

[GeminiNZ]

Welcome, PhoenixRain.

[PhoenixRain]

Thank you!
I will definitely read more, I've been reading for a while now and finally found enough courage to officially join you.
Until recently, most of my discussing my pstd have been solely in therapy.
I've always talked about my depression ot anxiety but never really called it ptsd... I guess It's about time.

[TigerCaat]

Hey PhoenixRain - I totally relate to your comment on learning to be angry at others instead of myself. I have been accepting the blame for my mother's ruined life.. well, since before I was born. I even felt sorry for her! I've never actually gotten mad at her because I'm "not allowed", plus she would just say it wasn't her fault or that she did the best she could... blah blah blah...

I've been trying very hard to refocus that anger. It's not easy, but it's liberating.

Good luck, friend!

-Tiger