[Parva]

I live with the fear that my therapist is going to leave me. That she'll get tired or bored or fed up with my neediness or find a better client. I see the signs in everything she does or says. I know this is transference. But the certainty and fear is real. I have awful emotional flashbacks of being left again and again, but it's my T that's leaving me. I'm so certain of what's happening, but it feels like real life instead of a flashback, and then I feel ashamed that I felt that way and it starts over again. I'm in therapy with a trauma T, and she's endlessly patient and compassionate, but now I feel like I need so much reassurance that she'll get tired of it. There's never enough reassurance and it never lasts. I feel like I have no value and I'm disgusting to her because I just endlessly need. I keep recalling new memories of childhood, and I don't know if they're real or not. They can't be real - that wasn't my life. But I can’t feel like this if they weren’t real. And then I just go to a place inside myself where no one else gets to go and shut the world out. It's painful to be so alone, but at least I know for sure what to expect.

[Open Eyes]

(((Parva))),

I see you are fairly new to PC, welcome to PC and the PTSD forums. What you just wrote is great, you needed to find a way to put how you feel into words, that is great and what you need to do, and I know that isn't always easy so good for you!

If you have a therapist that is so patient and compassionate like that you are very lucky and found a therapist that "knows" she has to be patient and caring because that is exactly what you need. Yes, I believe you when you say you are afraid too, ofcourse you are because you have been hurt so badly in your past. You need to learn how to trust and that is not easy so I am glad to hear you have a therapist who understands that. Don't be embarassed about what you wrote either, it's important for that to come out where you can verbalize it. Because you have a therapist that helps you feel safe, that is why you are slowly becoming able to verbalize your fears, that's a good thing you know, even though it might not feel like it right now.

Don't be too concerned about what you are remembering from your childhood as being exact or perfect, what is more important is whatever story comes out from that where you verbalize it. The important thing when it comes to healing from PTSD is how you feel challenged so it can all come out and be put out there so you and your therapist can validate that you are challenged and how you are challenged ok?

As you work through whatever does come forward and experience some of these challenging cycles, you begin to recognize that things come forward in a wave, that you need to be patient when that happens and do your best to verbalize whatever does come forward. It doesn't have to be perfect either, always remember that, it is more important to vent whatever it is as best as you can so you can identify what it's all about better. Each time this happens you will probably be tired and then experience a time where you feel a little better and can function. Make sure you try not to talk yourself down when you feel better as if whatever you experienced that challenged you should not have been important or should not have come forward the way it did. Whenever you experience these things that come up and challenge you, do your best to be patient and see what it's about and whatever way you "can" verbalize it. Will fearful thoughts come forward, yes, because you have been through some big challenges that frightened and confused you and you did not have the right help at the time. It's just time for you to work through all that and your therapist does know this, she is not going to get bored or tired of you ok?

(((Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey Parva,

Thanks for sharing.

First off I want you to do something. The fact that you are having these feelings and still bring yourself to see your therapist is a big victory on your part. It is absolutely mind boggling how painful this can be when you need help, bring yourself to a therapist and constantly suffer from feelings of potential abandonment and mistrust... It is torture. I've been there and I can empathize greatly for your continued strength and courage. Be proud of yourself - essentially you are battling your worst fears and you have no reason to feel ashamed for feeling the way you do. You have been wounded in the past and you have every right to feel the way you do. You are entitled to your emotions. Your emotions exist for a reason and anyone who takes that away should shut it. Good on you for battling your fears. Just remember that even though emotions are extremely important for our survival and are excellent indicators for what is going on inside of us - they are not always based on fact. For instance: anxiety that someone is going to leave us when they have no intentions whatsoever in leaving us. Might seem real to us (and it is real to us) but in actuality, it holds very little, if any bearing on FACT. In time, perhaps you will gain skills and insight into challenging your distressing thoughts and emotions... If only that wasn't one of the hardest things to do...

I am curious how long you have seen your therapist? Have you been seeing her for quite some time? When did these fears first arise? Did it take a long time to become attached or was it quick? Do you feel like you are getting even more attached to her despite these fears?

Take it one day at a time. Try to be mindful of your fears and anxieties and triggers. Be honest with her about everything and take it slow. I know for myself - when I feel so overwhelmed with attachment and I finally open up and let the floodgates open - I share too much too soon - and I become too attached to my therapist and I dread time away from her... Once it gets to that point I am basically incapacitated.

I once told my brother about my intense attachment issues and transference in therapy and he joked: "just don't get so attached to your therapist." I laughed and responded, "it doesn't work that way."

I would never take responsibility for my attachment issues in therapy - but I know that with practice - I can recognize my triggers and desire to open up my heart 110% - and instead - take it slow, one piece at a time... If we can learn to identify our patterns and triggers we can discover that there are indeed forks in the road (which mean we can choose). If we can learn to choose what is best for ourselves - then the whole process of opening up and maintaining trust and confidence in the attachment becomes much more tolerable. That way we remain (at least partly) in control, and we do not relinquish control to someone else who we have no control over.

If there is any advice that I can offer you at this time: it is to take it slow. When you have that urge to unleash all of your pain and agony all at once - remember that the more you share - odds are - the more you will become attached and the more you will fear losing your therapist. If you can learn to share in moderation and in a paced, consistent manner - you don't risk oversharing and becoming overly insecure in the attachment...

I hope this makes sense.

Thanks,
HD