[NyxBean]

I would like feedback at the end, please; feel dissociated or some form of detachment and it's messing with my eye sight.

I wrote the following on a site for Asperger's as I am soon to be assessed for it:

So when I was online, drunk and crying, he invited me round to his. I don't remember much of the evening but he was sober when I arrived and I'd already gone through more than half a box of wine. I apparently spilled some on myself and took my top off. I don't know if he covered me up but he did decide to start drinking and allowing me to drink more. I think there were two or three bottles of wine around. We had sex but I can't remember a thing about it. We decided to start the relationship the next day because I had already stated to everybody that I would not be having sex without attachment any more. Women I have spoken to are creeped out about him not putting me to bed or giving me coffee or inviting me around in the first place, whereas men clam up: I'm not too aware of social convention - what's that all about? Also, I feel it wasn't correct but not rape, am I right?

And somebody said:

It was rape, actually. If you were so drunk you were having trouble remembering, you were too drunk to consent.

I never did like how it began. He remembered everything apparently and I remembered spilling wine and a flash of the bedroom ceiling, that's it.

As a sex-positive inclusive feminist I didn't want to be seeing boogeymen everywhere as I knew that, even though I couldn't remember, I probably was being forward. I get like that when drunk, partly because I've realised the only time men try to understand me is after they've had sex with me. Women are only marginally better. There's something in me that just makes me give myself and I think it is for acceptance rather than the act.

I can't remember though; all I know is that he knew a week before hand that not only did I kind of liked a male friend of his but I was also in the process of maybe beginning to date his last ex whom he hates -- I'm nonmonogamous -- and that I had told everybody publicly that I would not be having casual sex and any advances or acceptance from me when I should be turned away if no relationship is wanted would be taken as something serious. After we'd broken up a year later he would try to deny this but I have FB proof.

On one of the first mornings he stayed over here, I thought he was asleep. My other ex had apparently been asleep when he aimed and punched me full force in the back and I still can't work out if that was true. Anyway, this one seemed to be asleep but he grabbed my wrist and yanked it from where it had been resting on his chest to... I don't have to say it. I kept pulling my wrist back up to hug but it kept going on, really strong, and eventually I got up.

Not long later he got up and had coffee. I mentioned it and he said he was surprised because it was something that happened on an old psoriasis med. I believed him.

For a while it still occurred but eventually stopped.

However, he still fondled me awake almost every morning because he was "horny" and "couldn't control" it. I've had problems in the past verbalising, which I'm pretty sure I told him and can happen with Asperger's. So I would try to move away or push away his hand but he'd keep doing it until he heard some for of muffle from me. Then I could be asked up to three times if he should leave and now I know that was putting it on me. Mostly I wanted to cuddle but I couldn't because when I said that he'd just keep doing it. I had to be the bad one to send him away and be lonely in the bed, just getting up fairly quickly after that.

He could be caring but he was also patronising, would talk down to me, snap and blame it on this thing that apparently happens in his romantic relationships in which he says one thing but means another and he wasn't yelling, he simply couldn't control his voice.

I was dumped because he couldn't handle both our mental health issues at the same time. I spent a month spiraling because he hadn't contacted me in the few days he said he would. Then when we talked he became very unreasonable and I wound up sending angry messages. I became suicidal and my carer told him to speak to me on the phone. He said we wouldn't speak for the 9 months until the gaming convention where he'd come say hi and we could maybe be acquaintances for several years before maybe being friends. I told him that I don't wait that long for maybes and I was establishing no contact for good. That whole conversation had been domineering voice but now he puts on a fake sounding gentle one and says he hopes I get help through therapy.


Now I did bring up the first night a few times in and out of the relationship. It was always when I was annoyed though and he'd snap back and the most I got out of him was a begrudged "it was wrong" and an apology about "letting the relationship happen". Nothing about taking advantage of me. He'd known me for a few years before as acquaintances and was on my and my carer's fb. I'm very open so he'd have known how ill I am.

I didn't let it be a problem though because he was one of only two bfs who seemed to treat me fairly decently like all the ones I had had.

A while after breaking up it wound up mentioned in a private chat with people who I was asking advice about contacting him. One girl said I had to be careful who I said it to because it could be taken as rape and the other said she was annoyed at him. None of the men said anything until I eventually I talked to one of them and he said he would have put me to bed in PJs if it had been him. That's it.

My carer is male and was accused of rape in interpersonal circle even when he wasn't in the same room as the girl so he is extremely evasive.

Now this person has said it and I went into full-blown flashback about a different person and a different incident. He has asperger's so I don't know how much misunderstanding there was because I did like rough sex and I was supposed to use a safe word. But this happened after I had a meltdown from all the noise at band practice and was irritable and he just grabbed me and said I wanted to be punished. I couldn't speak or move and I remember his face but not the words he was saying.

I started panicking because I'm trying to contact this ex's mother as I don't want the police involved, many exes have made complaints about a few things, and she's the only one he'll listen to. But she might not listen to me.

I've let so many men away with this sort of thing and haven't even reported the times when I didn't let them away with it in my head. I feel shaky and vulnerable and sweaty and right now I HATE MY FRIENDS for being apologists.

He even complained that his last ex wouldn't sleep in the same bed but had with me. He wanted her to tell the truth, not just say she couldn't sleep in the same bed as people. Later it occurred to me that she had told me of sexual assault as a young girl at a hotel. I asked him vaguely if he knew. He did. He did. And he was the one to have a smear campaign against her while saying he was fine with me dating her too and didn't stop using her name until I said so, switching to nouns and pronouns, waiting for me to guess, until I was entirely against her. Then he completely stopped mentioning her.

What happened the first night was rape, wasn't it? But I can't do anything now because I'm just a "scorned ex". And the groping and coercion wasn't right either.

I can put my relationship rapes up to around 5 at a rough guess, non relationships to 1, sexual assaults to about 4. None were violent except maybe the one after the meltdown. So I just let them go. Or I thought I did.

And my friends won't back me up beside saying it is a little crappy.

I know telling his mother is a risky move but he's eventually going to get in trouble and by god I'm so distant but here and pained at the same time I can't see straight with my glasses on and it feels so stupid. It wasn't violent, I didn't fear for my life, though I don't remember I consented and I only now let it be a problem as I have no reason to let it slide any more.

I'm confused and sick and I know I'm going to keep letting this happen to me. All the times in the past when it hasn't even been sexual assault, i've just not been able to speak. Don't you stop though, when the person isn't responsive? But then there's the times I mechanically move because I'm supposed to but I don't want it.

I don't know why it happens; as far as I'm aware, no sexual abuse in childhood.

So was this rape or am I just loose? Is it right to be freaked out now? I should have said something, right? His mother might see the message on fb but thinking of getting her address i've found and sending it to her instead but I'm probably an aspie and though that sounds right to me, my carer says I shouldn't.

Help.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Hi there Nyx, I want to respond, I read your whole post, but I'm having difficulty piecing together your situation. Do you feel that it was rape? Is that your question still? It seems like you have difficulty speaking up in relating and also issues with being passive. As for being forward while drunk, it seems like you want acceptance, like you said, and sex is a surefire way to be accepted by a man isn't it? I don't know, but I think the poster who said you can't consent while drunk is correct. As for the fondling you awake and the going through the motions just because he wants it, no that isn't right. These things should be mutual and in a healthy relationship with a caring partner, communication about these things would be encouraged, allowed and natural. I don't think you had a very caring partner - caring about you or your needs. It sounds like it is best it is over for you now.

And sorry if this is not a very good answer to your question. I am very similar to you in some ways so maybe I would have a difficult time recognizing what is what. Hopefully others will reply and will have some better insight. And also, question for you - why the title to your post: Triggered by accepting something was wrong. Sexual. I don't understand the triggered by accepting something was wrong part. Is it that you are accepting that what he did was wrong? What was the trigger for this? Sorry if I don't understand very well. Maybe I am mixed up with my own past situations also.

[NyxBean]

I was typing all this just as I was coming out of the flashback so... It's likely all over the place.

The trigger was that I fully and utterly accepted the fact I had been sexually assaulted (he has performance issues with his penis and so was unlikely to have penetrated me that way*, so by law it was assault instead of rape). All the friends I had spoke to were very nervous about saying anything definite and I didn't want to make a problem out of it as I felt I was likely to have accepted it. I was not properly connecting to the fact that I had still been far too drunk. One friend said to be careful about who I spoke to as it could be taken as rape.

However, when this other person flat out said it, I accepted it and then immediately began remembering all the other times I've been assaulted and raped. One I really should have reported, I didn't. Actually, I should have reported them all. It feels like I skimped on a duty.

Anyway, all of those memories came back but the more violent one was the flashback.

I guess it was a cascade from realisation to connecting similar past issues to realising how I am still clearly too vulnerable for relationships to the almost full movie flash.

As for what I feel now, I feel it was in legal terms sexual assault but in my own terms it was rape and a violation of me. One to add to the list.

I don't have enough evidence, I don't think. I mean, at a push, maybe it would work but all that would do is have me labeled as a false accuser and him paradoxically labeled as a sleazy rapist. Which I'm not convinced is the case. I think he literally doesn't understand it is wrong and he needs help. He's going to therapy anyway but I doubt that will come up.

Sent a final email. Reiterated that I have given him all the info on the issues I've seen, have has it confirmed by four others that these problems happen, that he needs to speak about it or he will end up in real trouble one day, and gave him one last chance at making a compromise on when we speak again (his was an unreasonably long time with an expectation I'd go along with it). He has to call instead of any other way, there's a fair time limit, and then after that I am washing my hands of him.

I'm done trying to help him.

He's been told that if he leaves it and then attempts to approach me when he was going to, I will walk away.

I wanted to assist not just in the understanding of that but with other issues. I have to accept people don't want help for things they don't see the problem with.

Why do I even give him the chance to call? I still love him, miss him, and want to be his friend, though never drunk around him.

You are most certainly right; I shouldn't give him any sort of chance. I'm a sucker. I don't actually expect a response though; his pride will be wounded. This way I have laid down my last hand and put my rules even further. He can't phone until a week is through and he only has a month and a half after that. Then I start the process of actively wiping him from me. I now no longer stay quiet about what he said about others - I have no secrets to hold against me and he never once swore me to secrecy. So I will talk to who I want about everything except perhaps the assault and groping, though a few close and mutual friends now know so I hope they will keep an eye on any woman around his. Probably won't. Rape culture and all that. *sigh*

Thing is, I'm more into women than men and while I have had mostly safe and consensual sex with them (one was a statutory intoxication one when I was 15 :/) I've never had a girlfriend. Women find me weird and maybe that's down to the possible ASD. I simply get lonely, try very hard on the dating scene to find a woman, get drunk and wind up sleeping with a lot of guys and then dating one.

I'm not in that scene any more. I realise I don't like the alcoholic tendencies I have and that while putting myself at risk when younger seemed like I was in control, I really wasn't.

Sorry if I confused you more.


*hands, maybe something substituting a toy, probably went down there to use mouth, etc. I don't know as I can't remember.