Am feeling blue about this mess of a life I have. I take my responsibility for my mistakes but fact is, in childhood and adulthood, things have been done to me by others that have influenced the trajectory of my life and now I have lost everything. I have no family that I'm in contact with, no friends as circumstances have meant I have had to cut off all ties. The only people I'm in contact with are my doctors and mental health workers - people paid to talk to me. I can't work and haven't done so for over eight years due to my mental illnesses. If things don't change I won't be able to pay the rent where I live. I'm grossly overweight in part due to lifetime problems with food but also due to psych meds.

Once I started on psych meds 12 years ago I lost all hope and capacity for losing weight and my weight skyrocketed. I have IBS which means i can't walk for exercise or swim. But I can't walk for exercise anyway because my hips are now compromised by my weight. Because of what's been done to me I am in fear for my life every single day. I have profound sleep problems. I've been through a million med changes and have done endless work with psychiatrists and psychologists but I seem no closer to real breakthroughs. It's so pointless.

[Quarter life]

Hi discover.

Certainly sounds as though you are in need of some breathing space, support and reassurance....there may not be a way back, but there is a way forward, the trick is to never give up seaching for the key.

Be kind to yourself discover. Q.L

Have you applied for or are you on SSDI?

My C-PTSD also led to IBS problems. You are not alone. Due to worsening arthritis, I have been forced to cut back on walking. And, I've gained weight. Can't seem to take it off but I'm trying. Hang in there.

Thanks guys. unguy I've been on the Disability Support Pension for years - but it's under the poverty line in Australia. So I'm in the red all the time.

I had a shower today which is good as I haven't had a shower for some days - it's a real sign of depression for me - not showering. But I'm still so devastated with depression. I've run out of food as I can't get to the supermarket - another sign of depression - being paralysed. I feel so lonely. I'm very independent but at times like this I'd just love to have someone to take me to the supermarket or help me with something - anything. I have a headful of crap - old resentments going around and around and all the terror - of things that have been done to me and my fear of all the horrific things that could happen to me - or my head says WILL happen.

A tiny bit better today so went supermarket shopping. Absolutely dragged myself - staggered through the mall to get there though. It's overwhelming the effects of depression. Could only manage a hand basket with a few things that didn't make much sense when I got home. At least that will get me through until tomorrow though and I'll have to go back again. I had to go over this message three times to get the typos out and make sense of it. Just noticed I put this in CPTSD - should have put it in Bipolar. Sorry.

[avlady]

i hope you can go shopping tomarrow too. keep on keeping on. i empathise with you especially the weight gain, as ever since i've been on meds i gained 50 pounds too that i could never get rid of.

Thanks avlady. I'm not up to going shopping today as something happened last night where I live that scared me witless. Just a few hours sleep. It made me feel hopeless. I'll shop tomorrow if I can.