[peaches100]

Why is it so painful and disagreeable for me to become "my own good mother?" I've got C-PTSD, DDNOS, and GAD and have been in therapy for several years. I've made great progress in many areas, but NOT when it comes to healing that part of me that feels like a terrified, abandoned, needy little child who is in some kind of dangerous, life or death situation with nobody around to notice, help, or rescue me.

When I am not being triggered, I realize of course that I am an adult who is capable of standing up to pressure and stress and cope without needing to feel afraid or like I need someone else to protect me. But when I get triggered into that C-PTSD state of mind, the feelings of being helpless, in danger, and terrified are overwhelming!! It is such an awful feeling that I have had a hard time not just dissociating so I don't have to feel it.

My t is working with me on feeling it and learning how to cope, but it sometimes truthfully hurts so much to get into those states that it feels like I am going to die. We have tried EMDR, but it never worked well because I was either too reactive or too dissociative. I've learned lots of coping skills, including DBT, and I understand how to use them, and I practice them.

The problem is when I get triggered into that PSTD panic...then everything I know and have learned (including my normal adult state of mind) just vanishes. I panic and cry and feel like I need my t to protect me at those times. Then, when I come out of it, I feel stupid for having acted so needy and childish! But I can't seem to help it at the time it happens.

My t and I have worked for awhile now on helping me to become my own good mother, to increase communication between parts, and to tone down my critical judgement and be more understanding of what those parts of me need, as well as trying to soothe them when my PTSD triggers happen and those other parts of me react like that. But I always find it very hard to keep my adult mind present when the other parts take over. I also don't feel much motherly-type love for those parts of me. They know it too. And they don't seek me out for comfort. They want my t's comfort.

Somebody please give me some guidance here. When does this get easier? I still have times when overwhelming feelings of feeling separated from my t and needing to be with her and be comforted by her overwhelm me. I find those feelings almost unbearable!! Sometimes if I can "wait it out," the feelings go away later and I can cope fine. But sometimes they don't go away for several hours or even 2-3 days. It's horrible to live with feelings like that. I know t can't be there for me anytime except during my 1 hour per week, and so I usually try not to even email her in between. But the feelings always come back.

Peaches
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[Semi-depressed]

I also have flashbacks, but I believe everyone's are different because our sources/causes are different. That is me making excuses for being able to help that much, but I also understand somewhat what you are feeling.

I find if I can notice I am heading into a flashback early enough I can talk about it, or even just say "I am being triggered" it helps to defuse it most of the time. Yes, once it gets too far it is difficult to calm down, but even then talking to a trusted friend is usually enough, especially when they triggered me (counterintuitively! But so true).

It is very hard to rationalise when you are triggered, but sometimes it is good to look back (even after your flashback) and look at the things that have happened over the previous week (yes, week) that caused your level to build up more and more. Maybe something you could not let go and were looping on. Sometimes it is one thing, but usually it is many things that you did not accept and let go.

I was not very deep here, but I hope I helped some.


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[ThisWayOut]

I can totally relate to SO much of what you described.
I can know, when I'm not triggered, that I can handle most things on my own, but once I'm triggered into that vulnerable spot, I feel like I can't get through even breathing without t to help... it's really a frustrating position to be in, especially when those feelings of helplessness are so overwhelming.
My t actually welcomes outside contact. I've found myself texting her a lot lately... I don't really like it. It's another thing I've recently mentioned to get (my discomfort with feeling so helpless lately when triggered. It's a relatively new phenomenon for me, having only started since we began the trauma work)...
Sorry I don't have any advice or helpful suggestions...

[unaluna]

Are you doing something positive for yourself? Like, it makes me feel more competent that i make a nice oatmeal breakfast for myself every morning. This is something i started doing only in the past year or so on a really regular basis. I admit its pretty pathetic that i waited until i had one foot in the grave so to speak, and that probably other people take better care of themselves. But t and i were talking today about how no one ever noticed or took care of my needs, and this sounds like that to me. Are we competent to take care of our needs. Will our needs be met. Or are they still too big.