triggers...

I went with a friend to a retreat/yoga thing today. It was described as more buddhist/spiritual. That kind of stuff I can handle... Only it was in a catholic retreat center, complete with religious symbols all over the place. Luckily, my friend is atheist, so she was as uninterested in the religious aspect as I was (only, I was really triggered, not just uninterested).

I did my best to ground from all the flashbacks, but it was really difficult. My friend was frustrated that I refused to do the meditations. She was convinced it would help my head. I didn't know how to tell her that being mindful and present in my body brings up intense flashbacks to csa. It was all I could do to distract from them before they came on full-force just by walking into the retreat center. She told me I should have at least tried the breathing... only she doesn't know that focusing on my breath was something I did to get the abuse over with faster (he would wait till he thought I was asleep to start things).

Even the yoga was problematic. I'm used to doing more standing poses, but these almost all involved laying on the floor... I did maybe 3 of the poses because all the others sent me right into flashbacks.

I feel like such a loser. There are all these things that are supposed to help, but they only make things worse for me. Aside of all the csa stuff coming up, I got flashbacks to the times I was hospitalized... the stupid hallways looked so much like the hospitals...

I know my T is more understanding when I tell her things like this trigger me. I get that they make sense in terms of my history. It's just so difficult to explain to everyone else. I'm not just being stubborn and resistant. It doesn't feel safe, and it sends me into a tailspin... As is, all I want to do at the moment is self-harm and dissociate. I don't like feeling the things in my body. I don't like "remembering" this stuff that should never have happened... and I really don't like being seen as difficult and resistant.

I should have excused myself and sat outside while my friend and her mom did all the meditations and talks. I could have avoided all this extra triggering. I didn't want to disappoint my friend though.

Sorry to hear that you were triggered so badly.

I can understand everything you are saying and describing. It's happened to me too.

It's a really scary place to find your self in. I'm so sorry that you experienced it.

I have no words of advice, because I'm trying to find them myself. Maybe someone else does and could share them with us.

Sooooo not a 'loser'! You were triggered and flash-backy, and understandably so, even though your friend didn't get it. That was your reality, and it makes total sense to the point of being 'normal' when viewed in the context of your history. (I feel totally confident in saying that even though I don't *know* your history, because that is just one of the many valid and proven ways that human beings react to past trauma). It most probably even makes complete and utter sense in the context of your own history that you chose to stay and be triggered instead of leave and take care of yourself.

It's good that you can see what happened, and how you coped with it in the best way you could at that time, and also see that there is a different course of action that can be taken in those circumstances. One day you might even feel brave enough to choose that different way!

In the meantime, you're still not a loser. You're a human being on your very own journey, just like the rest of us. And what for you happened today is one of the linking bridges between what has been before and what will come later. You are going places.

Thank you for that...

I used to try to leave seven it became overwhelming, but people would very mad at me. They would tell me I needed to stay, or to sit through the feelings, or to try to tolerate it...I stopped trying to leave or trying to express how overwhelming it was because it just got me in more trouble... it's so hardent to figure out what people want around that. Sometimes they are ok with simply "running away" (like current t is), but then other times they make you stay and call you names for being scared or overwhelmed...

It can suck so much. I'm sorry you've been there too... it feels like your stuck between a rock and a hard place; either sit there and fight being triggered, or escape and make people mad.

I don't think we can escape the triggers until we take the power away from the memories. Once the memories don't have that control then the triggers should ease up. But how do you take away the power from so many different trauma memories? We will never not have the memories, and yet we have good memories that are triggered in a good way. Like the smell of fresh snow, the smell of puppy breath, those can trigger some good memories for me.
So triggers and memories will be around forever. And since it's not always known what will trigger what , we would need to work on those bad memories and take away that power that makes them so bad. Does this make sense?

T and I ate trying that with emdr around some of it. I'm just not sure how much I can do. Sometimes the memories and flashbacks send me to a really dark place. When they don't, we work on them. When I start to fall into the darker stuff, then we do other things around it all.
I wish good memories were triggered as easily for me as the bad ones are...