Not Doing Christmas This Year

2016 has been such a horrible year that I decided not to do Christmas. Of course this is easier for me than it would be for people with kids and large families. But once I decided to not do it was like a large burden lifted off my shoulders. I will send a few cards and get my mom something but that's about it. Not sure when I will see her to give her gift, but it will happen eventually. Other's that I talked to about it were okay with it and agreed that there is just too much going on right now to even enjoy it. Does anyone else feel that way? Do you think that the elections, and all the killing going on here and around the world has made an impact on this? I know it has for me. Then dealing with our CPTSD plus own personal traumas, it's a lot to digest.

I got to thinking about CPTSD and what it feels like to me and it's like trying to run away from my shadow. Sometimes it's in front of me, sometimes behind me, but always there.

Really accurate description...

Last night I was sitting and watching TV with my husband. I had a challenging day yesterday, was triggered badly and the trigger pushed me over the top and when that happens I end up dizzy, tired, and in a lot of pain, if I push myself or my husband spews off his typical reaction of "don't allow and catch yourself or just" or anything that notoriously makes it worse I can get so bad that I begin struggling to talk.

We ended up watching Law and Order special victims because there was nothing else decent to watch. One of the episodes had Benson experiencing some flashbacks from a time when she was working undercover and a man tried to rape her. She had kept it to herself but it was getting worse so she finally reached out for help. She sat in a chair talking to a therapist and talked about how she is struggling and then said, "he took something from me", and she also talked about her struggle with feeling like it was her fault somehow too.

It was a blessing that my husband saw that. I said, "that is exactly the way it is for me too". That is exactly the way it is on such a deep level too, "he took something from me". And also that feeling of how whomever "took something so deeply significant" was being "selfish".

When a trauma hit me that was too overwhelming for me to handle it emotionally, I broke and experienced a post traumatic breakdown. I have not shared that here in a long time. My neighbor's negligence where his electric containment system failed and he did not fix it and chose to let his dog out to run either late at night or when I was not home. That resulted in just about all my horses and ponies suffering all kinds of damage/injuries and two died in spite of my effort to try to save them. The damage/injuries led to life long damage that left a few of them unable to do what I had worked so hard to train them to do. Every part of my world was literally "destroyed". I was not the only one that changed from that either. All my ponies and horses changed to where they became extremely sensitive and I had to put them all in as soon as it started to get dark. They all became "terrified" of dogs or anything that came from my neighbor's direction too. It was bad Trace. For over three months I was running a hospital type atmoshere and lots of sad endings and then one day when I got up I just could go other there one more day, I just wanted to die, too much emotional pain of sadness, loss, anger and my horses and ponies were like my children and I loved them very deeply. Years of finding and training all of them to do what I did with them. I specialized in working with very young children and also very handicapped children away from my farm. The ponies I used for that absolutely had to be extremely good because often I would have a very challenged child on them where there was no way they could spook or misbehave.

It was bad enough I suffered all that loss to the point of breaking down with complete emotional and physical exhaustion. What came next was even worse. I had already been having night terrors, lack of sleep and just more and more SAD every day that I broke. I begged for "rest and grief counseling", I needed a break from all that sadness, I was exhausted in every way. I ended up in a psychward and at that point I was so bad I was experiencing "trauma chills". I was put in a room where the heat was not working and the room was cold, the other patients even knew I was in "the cold room".

I was SO TIRED and cold to the depths of me and instead of getting rest and grief counseling I was treated like I was being "bad and selfish" for struggling the way I did. My older sister came in and told me if I did not "snap out of it" I would end up losing everything. I hate the term "put your big girl panties on" too because when someone is as bad as I was, that is the worst thing one can say to them. I was treated like I had no right to be so upset the way I was instead of being treated as a "trauma patient". That is reflected in my records too.

I was kept there over Thanksgiving and I saw with strangers at a table and my sister made it a point to keep my mother and father away that entire stay, and she had her big Martha Stewart Thanksgiving and I was left with these strangers, some of which were so mentally ill they frightened me and NO ONE called or came to see me.

Now, think about it, "something important was taken from me". And the worst thing one can do is BLAME THE VICTIM. That is how I was treated in that psychward instead of receiving grief counseling and rest and having SOMEONE explain to me that I was suffering from post traumatic stress.

Thanksgiving is such a hard holiday for me, EVERY Thanksgiving. Christmas is just as hard too. That Christmas is in a fog for me, because I was still so bad and so exhausted and taking xanex was not good because it just did not "last" long enough so I could actually get a good night's rest. When my husband picked me up from the psychward, he was VERY ANGRY. I wish I had a video to show of what the ride home was like. That ride home I thought to myself, "OE, as hard as this is, as exhausted as you are, you have to find a way to push it down because you have to suck it up and be strong to go back to doing every day no matter how SAD it is". "AND, whatever you do, don't talk about just how hard this really is for you or that you don't sleep because every night you relive it in night terrors".

I did reach out for help but it failed me BADLY. It's actually all in my records too. One of the horses that suffered damage was appraised at $125,000 but no longer worth it because of the damage he suffered. My records say "illusions of grandeur and grandiose". My records TOOK SOMETHING FROM ME! too. I did not know that however until the psychiatrist I had been seeing but could no longer afford to keep seeing referred me to my GP to refill the klonipin he had put me on. When my GP saw my records and I went to see him, he got SO ANGRY, he called out all these mental disorders and threw my records at me. "How dare I be sent to him with all these mental disorders expecting him to handle it". The ONLY diagnosis I had ever been told I had was PTSD.

I was so traumatized by how my GP reacted, how he looked at me the way he did, and this was a GP I had seen for years. I just wanted to RUN and HIDE tbh. And I got out of that examining room and to my car with these medical records that said I WAS A BAD PERSON. My own GP was just another person who looked at me in SUCH AN ANGRY WAY.

I did not even understand what was written in my records. So I went home and began doing a search on my computer. I had thought that PTSD was "extreme grief" because that is how I felt, now I am reading that I am somehow a bad person? What is so hard for me now that I have learned so much that looking back at that and KNOWING how WRONG it all was especially in the condition I was in that was NEVER MY FAULT, it's SO UPSETTING. I was punished and blamed when that is the last thing I deserved to have happen to me.

I wrote a letter to the psychiatrist I had seen because I began to realize that my records were wrong. I made an appointment to see him and I did have all my records to show him "proof" that I was not being "grandiose" like was written. Unfortunately, the day I had made the appointment was the same day I was first going to see my mother after she had back surgery and my mother not only looked "horrible" but she was extremely delusional from the anethesia and it was traumatic to see her that way.

I could not cancel the appointment I had with this psychiatrist and so I went to see him SEVERELY TRAUMATIZED AND TRIGGERED. I think that anyone reading this that suffers badly from PTSD can understand what it means to struggle with PTSD and then experience something traumatic and how hard it can be to sit and "behave normal".

I tried very hard to explain what I needed from this psychiatrist and show him the paperwork that was important he see. He acted like he was doing me a big favor in that meeting, and the only reason I even got to see him was because he had written that if I did need him again he would see me. At that time I had "no" insurance and whatever the cost to sit with him was going to cost me personally. And at that point I was literally drowning in debt from all the veterinary expense created from my neighbor's negligence, THOUSANDS.

After he listened, and looked at the paperwork and time was running out he looked at me in such a serious way and said, "You are a VERY misunderstood woman". Time was up, and he left me with that and I DESERVED more than just that. In that visit, in that moment when I only got just that because TIME WAS UP!, again SOMETHING WAS TAKEN FROM ME. It cost me $500 for that meeting and when he did a report he talked about his anger about my letter, then he talked about my having PTSD, and even though he had looked at me that day in such a serious way and said, "You are a very misunderstood woman!", he FAILED to do the very thing I had asked, he did not write that statement he made to me down and he did NOTHING in that letter to say that the other diagnoses were WRONG and that I was "a misunderstood woman". So he left me with records that ARE WRONG. $500.00 to me at that time might as well been $5,000 and he left me with something he very easily could have CORRECTED. That took something from me.

I know about the PTSD ghosts that are behind you and then in front of you and how hard the challenge really is. And while it was a "positive" for me to see it on that program, I really wish that I had gotten the people I had reached out to see what I had so desperately needed them to see, I deserved it.

What your father chose to do Trace really did take something from you. It's very, very hard when PTSD happens and how PTSD is so very challenging is so hard to articulate. When that turns into what is called "complex" PTSD which is how I suffer myself, that is even more challenging.

One other thing Benson said in that program was "I bet you can only sleep with the TV on too", and that is something I have to do myself. The reason for that is how it actually helps to distract me where I fall asleep with that distraction of listening to something else rather than my own thoughts or "hurts" that I want to "not think about". That is something common that people struggling with PTSD do.

It really does take time to work through "what was taken" and "what that means to the depths of someone suffering". This is especially true when a trauma extends into one's personal history of other times in their life that can actually go way back to childhood where "something was taken" too. You are not "alone" with that challenge (((Trace))).

It's sometimes hard to describe in one or two words what CPTSD feels like. Of course you can look it up and see words for the symptoms. But actually describing the multi levels of this can be tasking without going into some uncomfortable detail that you don't care to share with most people. Shadows can be good or bad, scary or safe. I think our own shadow is safer than the shadow of someone else, or something else....sometimes. But our own shadow can trigger the bad shadows. Make sense?

I know that was a horrible experience for you, it would be for anyone. Makes you wonder why so many bad things happen to good people. Where's the justice? The tv idea is interesting and you may be right, but I know I have another reason why I want the tv on, for the light. Ever since that guy broke into my dorm room and touched me while I was asleep then laid on the floor beside my bed, and all I saw was a "shadow" of him, then I can't sleep with the room completely dark. It's also true that right before sleep when everything is quiet and still the mind wanders, so the distraction would also work.

What's the solution to wanting to be excited over holidays, but can't? Will we ever get that feeling again? This year seems to be the worse one I've had yet. The emptiness the numbness, being deep in the fog again. It's not that I haven't been invited to spend it with other people, many keep trying and I keep saying no and feeling bad about it. It's a horrible game of push and pull in the head.

The forum is so quiet. Is it because everyone is doing so well that they don't need to be here for support? Too busy, too tired, just too........ I finally addressed a few Christmas cards but it was so hard. I don't remember fighting Christmas this hard, ever.

I personally have a difficult time venturing to this side of PC, I'm also just more stressed anyway.

I did wish to skip out on Christmas, but have found myself incapable of getting out of it. I don't think the world events really impact how much "holiday spirit" I got going on. I've hated the holidays since I was a small child. I have a particularly bad experience that I'm reminded of sometimes that happened on Christmas day. I won't give details but it was especially traumatic. It's just one reason out of many. I honestly never go to family holiday events without being intoxicated. I just can't do it without numbing myself out.

I'm not sure if I answered everything, but I didn't want you to feel alone out there. I'm here, just hesitant about which threads I click on. Thanks for keeping it sort of light, by the way.

Members come and go in this forum Trace, a lot depends on their IRL situations or if they get triggered here and withdraw. I know for myself if IRL gets hard for me I come on PC and read some but just don't have the energy to comment/post.

Where do you go when the pain is too big?
Is there a mountain to climb and leave it behind,
Or a river to cross?
Looking back to make sure it didn’t follow.

Have you ever tried to run from your shadow?
Have you chased it with lights,
Only to watch it bounce back and forth
But never truly disappear?

Have you covered your eyes,
Hiding behind those make-believe walls?
A child, the covers,
And the monster in the closet.

Who has spent their lives wondering,
‘Why is it following me?’
How many of you have spent your days
Certain that your past is your present?

The path was supposed to be gentle,
Lined with purple irises and yellow buckeyes.
We were told it would be safe
To stay on the path.

Who has looked back over their shoulder,
And down the flower-lined path,
Only to see the shadow of pain
Still following closely behind?

I have.

Wow, did you write that? So on target with CPTSD.

Do you regret feeling this way about the holidays? I do. I want to enjoy them so much but can't. For some reason this year is worse than the others. It will be over soon, thank goodness and we will not have to deal with this for another 12 mos. Glad you came over to this side of PC. Yes, we all have to be careful about what we read and post. I used to be more open about posting personal stuff, not so much anymore. Some here, know my story. It's not about the details anyway. We need to be here for each other because we know we are struggling, that's what it's about for me anyway.

Totally agree.

Trace and others..I'm sorry you are suffering.
I don't want to celebrate...nothing to celebrate...but I have to for the other half of my relationship and his family...and I must go on.

I will try to think of my niece who is in excruciating pain at 12...in a hospital in Boston....at Christmas..so I go on for her....

If you don't have something to drive you on...you won't be able to go on...
Thank you for sharing your story.

I can understand how people have to go on with the holidays for their families. I'm sorry to hear about your niece, with someone that young going through such a thing it really makes my problems seem so small.
Your comment about if you don't have something to drive you on you will not be able to go on. This could be so many things that would make a person keep going on, some a lot of people wouldn't understand.
Thanks for your response. I hope your niece feels better soon.

I'm sorry this year's worse. Maybe you'll be able to enjoy the holidays further down the road. I wouldn't give up on that quite yet.
Sometimes I regret it, but most of the time I don't. Only thing I regret is giving my trauma the power to dictate how I feel over a holiday.

<Only thing I regret is giving my trauma the power to dictate how I feel over a holiday > I agree and the power to rule my life. There's just so many bad memories I don't think there is a viable answer to the problem. The dissociation is getting worse, isolation is worse, sleep walking is worse and just getting to sleep is worse. May have something to do with shorter days also.

It could very well have something to do with shorter days. I too, have many bad memories, particularly around this time of the year. I've also noticed my PTSD symptoms seemingly getting worse and harder to hide, and ground myself from. I just spent a couple hours shopping for a few presents with my friends and I had so many flashbacks and panic attacks that I'm surprised I'm functioning right now. I'm honestly sitting next to a cache of liquor that I'm deciding whether or not to delve into just to alleviate the pain. Both emotional and physical, as I get phantom pains (along with real pain from the cold where I have old injuries). If it's all you can do to keep from isolating too bad, you're welcome to chill here online with me. I can be on here almost all night due to being unable to relax enough to sleep.

I think this past election was triggering tbh. I had made it a point to ask as many people as I could since the beginning what they thought though and that gave me a better idea of how "society" was responding rather than just going by the media. I think that it's important to honestly consider what took place and what was said right from the beginning during the primaries too. What was exposed throughout this election process most definitely left a lot of Americans not trusting the media or the candidates. IMHO, the hipocracy is simply incredible. As someone who is struggling with PTSD and already having significant IRL challenges, I have found it very depressing. It's very hard now with being exposed more than ever to so many "negatives" going on in humanity, it's scarey and it's hard enough when someone struggles with a disorder that already presents an ongoing challenge with fear and anxieties that are hard to manage. And it's even worse if one happens to have an opinion or even a question or thought that can suddenly lead to them becoming a victim of "hate" or retaliation to silence them, that is VERY triggering when it comes to PTSD and one suffering from emotional abuse.

IMHO, there is a lot of "hate", too much of it and it's gotten very toxic. I think that "limiting" exposure is helpful and perhaps looking for other more positive things to focus on that can help one tune out the negatives that one can't change.

Completely agree with too much hate and too much violence. Society has gone down a very dark road and unless it changes it's only going to get worse. Too many people feel entitled, kids feel entitled, no one wants to work for what they have and if they want it they will take it from you. It's got to stop or else it will be a lot more killing.

Sometimes I just want to smack people who say, "put your big boy/girl pants/panties on," or "man up."

Don't people realize the physiological and psychological realities which produce these accursed conditions. Sometimes I feel like those without mental issues are less aware of the fact that they have a BRAIN which produces their experience, including their ability to be motivated and function normally.