[OliverB]

And trauma disappeared after I left my parents, it seems it didn't and it is still here.

I don't get it I don't feel traumatized

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by OliverB

And trauma disappeared after I left my parents, it seems it didn't and it is still here.

I don't get it I don't feel traumatized

You don't feel traumatized, but there is still a memory of trauma? I've found that the memory will always be there, it's the emotional response that needs to be worked on. If the trauma disappeared it was because you were blocking it, or have dealt with it in a healthy way. Is that what you are saying?

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by Trace14

You don't feel traumatized, but there is still a memory of trauma? I've found that the memory will always be there, it's the emotional response that needs to be worked on. If the trauma disappeared it was because you were blocking it, or have dealt with it in a healthy way. Is that what you are saying?

I don't know what I am saying. I just left my abusers and didn't think about it almost anymore, as if it were all in the past and doesn't affect the present.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by OliverB

I don't know what I am saying. I just left my abusers and didn't think about it almost anymore, as if it were all in the past and doesn't affect the present.

That sounds like a good healthy way to be, or might be for you now. It may come back though, just reach out and get help if it does.

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by Trace14

That sounds like a good healthy way to be, or might be for you now. It may come back though, just reach out and get help if it does.

It seems it is affecting me but without flashbacks or nigthmares i didn't know it was trauma related.

[KarenSue]

I was abused also. I left home at 16. I did very well for 30+ years, then, when my main abusers died, I let down my carefully constructed wall I had built. That is when my trauma reared it's ugly head.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by KarenSue

I was abused also. I left home at 16. I did very well for 30+ years, then, when my main abusers died, I let down my carefully constructed wall I had built. That is when my trauma reared it's ugly head.

That's interesting how that happened. You would think once the abuser died that would be a relief. Why do you think that the memories came back so strong? I have some thoughts on it but was wondering what yours were on this.

[Parva]

Originally Posted by Trace14

That sounds like a good healthy way to be, or might be for you now. It may come back though, just reach out and get help if it does.

It sounds like profound dissociation, Trace. You hide the abuse, pack it away, fragment personality to remove those damaged parts....

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Parva

It sounds like profound dissociation, Trace. You hide the abuse, pack it away, fragment personality to remove those damaged parts....

It's best to leave a diagnosis to the professionals, I was just responding to what he shared. I can only hope one day I will reach a point where the memories do not affect me in anyway. I would think that would mean I have dealt with them in a healthy way and they do not interfere with my life. Though as I suggested, if they start interfering then one should reach out for professional help. I know the memories will never go away, that's unrealistic to think they will. They will always be a part of me and my life, what impact they have on my life is what I'm trying to stop. That make sense?

[reb569]

I've always known what I know about my childhood trauma, and I thought I had it under control for all these years. When my daughter's mental health struggles started, for some reason, I could no longer control it, I suspect that it was just too much to deal with in addition to my worries and struggles with my daughter. Since then, after doing a lot of research, I've realized that a lot of the core symptoms of CPTSD have always been there and have always run my life (hyper-vigilance, trust issues, self-isolation, dissociation etc.), I really just accepted those symptoms of being "me". It would be great if I could process all of this and heal, but at this point, I would welcome going back to my old, dysfunctional "normal me".

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by Parva

It sounds like profound dissociation, Trace. You hide the abuse, pack it away, fragment personality to remove those damaged parts....

I think something like that happened... But I didn't dissociate enough and my life is full of suffering that seems to come from nowhere.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I've always known what I know about my childhood trauma, and I thought I had it under control for all these years. When my daughter's mental health struggles started, for some reason, I could no longer control it, I suspect that it was just too much to deal with in addition to my worries and struggles with my daughter. Since then, after doing a lot of research, I've realized that a lot of the core symptoms of CPTSD have always been there and have always run my life (hyper-vigilance, trust issues, self-isolation, dissociation etc.), I really just accepted those symptoms of being "me". It would be great if I could process all of this and heal, but at this point, I would welcome going back to my old, dysfunctional "normal me".

I totally understand. We want to stay where it's comfortable. Were you surprised when these memories reared their head? I was. I too thought that I had them under control. I knew they were there, but that I was the controlling them, not the other way around. Well I hope you make the right choice for you. Dealing with this stuff is hard, scary, and emotionally draining. Are you seeing a counselor now?

[reb569]

I'm actually not right now. I'm waiting until I pay out my first $3500 in med expenses for my daughter so that my insurance will cover 80% of the cost. I have a High Deductible Health Care Plan so the first $3500 is all out of pocket. I think were close, once all her providers submit their claims. The LCSW that she's see's weekly hasn't hit the insurance yet so I'm expecting that to be over $800 right now, once the bill comes and I'm waiting for the billing for bloodwork to come in too. Between those and $355 per month for meds, it shouldn't take long.

I did surprise me when I lost control of the ability to control them, and was even more surprised when I realized that I really didn't have as good control over them as I thought I did. Basically, CPTSD has molded me into the person I am. I'm a mystery. I've been doing a lot of research, and I recently bought the book, "Complex-PTSD Workbook" and am working through that right now. I realized that I actually did "exposure therapy" on myself without realizing what I was doing back in December. I had gotten to the point where I was unable to concentrate on anything, constantly stressed and anxious, and I couldn't get the memories out of my mind, almost like a constant EF. So instead of fighting it, I just let the memories hit me. I started calling my morning walk, my anxiety walk and after a few weeks, it just started subsiding. Of course then comes the, "Oh, it wasn't so bad" thoughts and the minimizing.

So now, I have my almost ok days, my bad days and my really bad days, but it's not constant. I tend to fluctuate between stressed out and anxious to depressed. It's a beast isn't it? And yes very tiring. It's great to discuss it with people who can relate to what you are going through.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I'm actually not right now. I'm waiting until I pay out my first $3500 in med expenses for my daughter so that my insurance will cover 80% of the cost. I have a High Deductible Health Care Plan so the first $3500 is all out of pocket. I think were close, once all her providers submit their claims. The LCSW that she's see's weekly hasn't hit the insurance yet so I'm expecting that to be over $800 right now, once the bill comes and I'm waiting for the billing for bloodwork to come in too. Between those and $355 per month for meds, it shouldn't take long.

I did surprise me when I lost control of the ability to control them, and was even more surprised when I realized that I really didn't have as good control over them as I thought I did. Basically, CPTSD has molded me into the person I am. I'm a mystery. I've been doing a lot of research, and I recently bought the book, "Complex-PTSD Workbook" and am working through that right now. I realized that I actually did "exposure therapy" on myself without realizing what I was doing back in December. I had gotten to the point where I was unable to concentrate on anything, constantly stressed and anxious, and I couldn't get the memories out of my mind, almost like a constant EF. So instead of fighting it, I just let the memories hit me. I started calling my morning walk, my anxiety walk and after a few weeks, it just started subsiding. Of course then comes the, "Oh, it wasn't so bad" thoughts and the minimizing.

So now, I have my almost ok days, my bad days and my really bad days, but it's not constant. I tend to fluctuate between stressed out and anxious to depressed. It's a beast isn't it? And yes very tiring. It's great to discuss it with people who can relate to what you are going through.

Wow, that's some high expenses. It's depressing how much things cost, especially medical insurance then they have the nerve to deny something. Oh don't get me started on those legal crooks.
I ordered the CPTSD workbook that just came out, I think in January. I haven't gotten that far into it but from what I've seen it is much better than the PTSD workbook, that was a real snooze fest. When working with a therapist it's too much to try to absorb outside information, I can barely pay attention in session. The good thing about the PE therapy is that it is recorded by me and that way when I zone out, I can still have the information available.
One of the segments on Kati Morton and Dr.Alexa Altman , on trauma, they talk about being in this zone, about above or below this zone. You might want to look at those videos. They were pretty interesting. They did several on trauma therapy. Or did you already watch one? Someone did.
Yes, it is good to have people around that understand what you are dealing with and it is a beast. What surprises me is finding out how long ago this started, and that I lived life okay until recently. Sometimes I wonder if knowing really helps a person.

[reb569]

I ordered the CPTSD workbook that just came out, I think in January.

That's the one that I ordered. I like it.

I watched the video where she explains the different types of mental health professionals. I definitely want to check out more of her videos. She was very engaging. Some videos are a snooze fest, but she held my interest very easily, so that's a plus.

[Open Eyes]

I had gotten to the point where I was unable to concentrate on anything, constantly stressed and anxious, and I couldn't get the memories out of my mind, almost like a constant EF. So instead of fighting it, I just let the memories hit me. I started calling my morning walk, my anxiety walk and after a few weeks, it just started subsiding. Of course then comes the, "Oh, it wasn't so bad" thoughts and the minimizing.

Did you know that when a person walks it actually helps them problem solve? I had read about that a while ago and how many of the individuals that solved some major problems that contributed to humanity used to go for walks. It was so long ago that I forget which individuals did this, but, what I do remember is they were important and all of them did their best problem solving while walking or doing a similar physical activity.

[Open Eyes]

I'm actually not right now. I'm waiting until I pay out my first $3500 in med expenses for my daughter so that my insurance will cover 80% of the cost. I have a High Deductible Health Care Plan so the first $3500 is all out of pocket. I think were close, once all her providers submit their claims. The LCSW that she's see's weekly hasn't hit the insurance yet so I'm expecting that to be over $800 right now, once the bill comes and I'm waiting for the billing for bloodwork to come in too. Between those and $355 per month for meds, it shouldn't take long.

This is "why" a lot of people don't like the healthcare system we have now. You are paying out more so others can have healthcare needs met and ironically, these others often get their healthcare needs met before those that have to pay out more. Yes, it's VERY expensive when you are on this end of the system.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

That's the one that I ordered. I like it.

I watched the video where she explains the different types of mental health professionals. I definitely want to check out more of her videos. She was very engaging. Some videos are a snooze fest, but she held my interest very easily, so that's a plus.

Yes, I love her videos, they are short and to the point and she is just a pleasure to listen to. Glad you enjoy them. I've learned so much for her. She has a website Katimorton.com that has a forum but it is very quiet , sadly.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Did you know that when a person walks it actually helps them problem solve? I had read about that a while ago and how many of the individuals that solved some major problems that contributed to humanity used to go for walks. It was so long ago that I forget which individuals did this, but, what I do remember is they were important and all of them did their best problem solving while walking or doing a similar physical activity.

That makes sense.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

This is "why" a lot of people don't like the healthcare system we have now. You are paying out more so others can have healthcare needs met and ironically, these others often get their healthcare needs met before those that have to pay out more. Yes, it's VERY expensive when you are on this end of the system.

That's the truth. Insurance is such a rip off, but what are you going to do? One major incident could send you into financial ruin. They absolutely have us over a barrel.

[Open Eyes]

Well, health insurance was designed as a business, a way to make "money" for the companies that sold health insurance. It's a "risk" pool and insurance companies make money on "low risk" clients. That is why individuals with pre-existing conditions could not get health insurance. I was one that went through that because of how I struggled with endometriosis and had to have surgery. My husband could not find any insurance company who would insure me. The wait time to be considered insurable was five years. So I went uninsured and when I had my appendix rupture and turn into something major where I almost died and had emergency surgery, the hospital ended up billing us double what they would have gotten had I had insurance. We are still making payments on that. I believe that took place in 2002 so we have been paying on that for going on 15 years, actually this month it is 15 years.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Well, health insurance was designed as a business, a way to make "money" for the companies that sold health insurance. It's a "risk" pool and insurance companies make money on "low risk" clients. That is why individuals with pre-existing conditions could not get health insurance. I was one that went through that because of how I struggled with endometriosis and had to have surgery. My husband could not find any insurance company who would insure me. The wait time to be considered insurable was five years. So I went uninsured and when I had my appendix rupture and turn into something major where I almost died and had emergency surgery, the hospital ended up billing us double what they would have gotten had I had insurance. We are still making payments on that. I believe that took place in 2002 so we have been paying on that for going on 15 years, actually this month it is 15 years.

Wow, that's exactly what I'm taking about. So sorry to hear that.

[reb569]

I actually have an option for a PPO through my company. My part of the premiums would be over $2400 more for the year than with the HSA Plan I'm on. With my current plan, I pay about $150 a month for premiums, my employer puts $120 a month in my HSA which offsets most of that, then I put in an additional $240 per month out of my pay.

After last year I tried to figure out if I would have been better off with the HSA or the PPO (prior to that I hadn't had any major medical expenses since 2010) and figured out that I came out $2000 ahead by being on the HSA Plan.

It definitely isn't easy during the first part of the year, but once the insurance starts paying 80% it's not too bad.

[reb569]

Did you know that when a person walks it actually helps them problem solve? I had read about that a while ago and how many of the individuals that solved some major problems that contributed to humanity used to go for walks. It was so long ago that I forget which individuals did this, but, what I do remember is they were important and all of them did their best problem solving while walking or doing a similar physical activity.

I agree with that 100%.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I actually have an option for a PPO through my company. My part of the premiums would be over $2400 more for the year than with the HSA Plan I'm on. With my current plan, I pay about $150 a month for premiums, my employer puts $120 a month in my HSA which offsets most of that, then I put in an additional $240 per month out of my pay.

After last year I tried to figure out if I would have been better off with the HSA or the PPO (prior to that I hadn't had any major medical expenses since 2010) and figured out that I came out $2000 ahead by being on the HSA Plan.

It definitely isn't easy during the first part of the year, but once the insurance starts paying 80% it's not too bad.

HSA are wonderful but like you said you have to put some time into figuring out how much you need to put back for coverage. The one we had if you didn't use the entire HSA you would lose it.