[it'sgrowtime]

Had a minor episode yesterday. Some physical symptoms started up, but I was able to keep my thoughts straight. I'm so relieved to not be experiencing major attacks like before. Still, it's challenging and confusing to feel my mind and body seemingly working against me. I did have a trembling, shaky feeling for an hour or so even after my mind settled.
It seems that as I continue to acknowledge/accept who my family is/was, the flashback stuff will keep coming back. Some stuff from first grade is trying to surface. I'm starting to feel that layer come flush with me now. i don't really want to see it, know it, or experience it, as usual. I do feel more willing than before, however.
I hope I won't feel the really horrible bad feelings in upcoming episodes. The fear and sickness. Yesterday it started with rapid thoughts and anxious feelings...it ended with sadness and tears. Not as bad. Tears feel alright, I think. It feels safer. After school was out, I did want to hide out in bed, yet cooked dinner for my family instead. I felt normal again half way through. I couldn't suppress past episodes, and luckily my children never saw me suffering because they were at school.
I believe that I am working through PTSD, and that I will "cure" myself, eventually. Of course, if I hit more major obstacles, it could take a lifetime

[it'sgrowtime]

there are times in counseling when I instantly cry after being asked certain questions. I won't even have time to feel sad...the tears just instantly flow. So I know there is much pain and sadness hidden away. What those questions are, I can't exactly recall. I'm so disconnected and fragmented in some ways.

As a child, I grasped onto certain topics, or even just a single word, to distract me. As I'm writing this, I was thinking how my childhood, and myself as a child, feels so foreign to me. I wonder if that's "normal" or not? I think of it as a raised area that is cloaked. It's like a bundle of unincorporated things. I imagined wiping away the cover...suddenly in my mind I'm spinning a globe in elementary school. I'm learning about the crust, mantle, etc. I'm imagining the dense metal core of earth, and seeing the fire in the core theory. I'm feeling the fire from the core burning inside of me. The room is orange and warm. The unknown environments of our very own earth gave me an excitement. ~The mystery and intrigue~
I have memories implanted on that spinning globe, in that classroom, that day. But what kind of memories are they?? Why does my mind suddenly return there thirty years later?

The fragmentation of my past leaves me guessing which memories hold traumas.

Possible trigger:

At first, I feared each "flashback" was about sexual abuse. These days I'm thinking the flashbacks might not all be about active abuse, but maybe my fears of the consequences of prior abuse. A few seem inspirational.

My biggest surface concern two years ago was whether I "could be" a person who was abused. Could I be successful and survive with such a past? It's taken so long to see I am that person and always have been. Nothing changed except my ability to accept reality as it is, rather than believing reality is what life "should be." I'd already been surviving and being a person, but I was a person who had the self divided.

The spinning globe, rockets, Mars, the fire of the sun gave me will to feel back then. I could blast above the stale regulations of religion where everything is claimed to be known...where Im just a follower who says what they say, and who is forced to label my feelings incorrectly. I could become the center of the earth to feel something. The universe gave me power.

I'm still triggered, but I'm functioning and doing my best. I'm like a piano and all its keys that can be depressed and played in many ways. I want to pick the song.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by it'sgrowtime

It's taken so long to see I am that person and always have been. Nothing changed except my ability to accept reality as it is, rather than believing reality is what life "should be." I'd already been surviving and being a person, but I was a person who had the self divided.
.

I'm working towards this. Thanks for sharing.

[it'sgrowtime]

Started going into an episode a couple days ago. Even had a white flash when I saw a particular image in my mind. I could have become very uncomfortable..but I was able to stop it, get grounded, breathe,...and importantly, speak. I've struggled with connecting the dots, I suppose because I'm fighting acceptance. Sometimes I can think acceptance, OR feel acceptance, but I rarely think and feel acceptance at the same time.

Possible trigger:

I think it's because the "I'm going to die" feelings, which are just too awful. Remembering that I didn't die, helps. Acknowledging the sources of my childhood "I'm going to die" feelings, helps a lot. How those sources connect to my still present shame, I'm still working on. I guess it's fear of abusers killing me

The intensity was bearable, but I'm still tense and anxious. Also, present day stuff has me vigilant. I can't manage to relax, but I'm doing necessary tasks, and enjoying my family. Otherwise, I'm hiding out a bit.

I wish I could get rid of the tightness in my chest