[elevatedsoul]

There was a car accident when I was little in which my head cracked the front windshield...
I was never taken to the doctor, in fact my parents never knew about it i think but I dont remember because I blacked out...
apparently was able to act like everything was normal... which we did a lot back then through it all..

I just remember the one part that the car was going fast... and that i looked up, we were in the ditch on the railroad, and my head hit the windshield and it was cracked where I was...
we were going atleast 90mph... and i was around 5 years old...

I don't remember my child hood, or that much for that matter...
but I have these flashes of those type of memories...

I think I damaged my brain physically with all of the blows that it has taken over the years...
I've been through so much, my body has been hurt so much...

Im concerned about traumatic brain injury... the new therapist mentioned it almost right off the bat, i didnt know what to say because no one has ever cared enough to talk about it...
so maybe i will try to talk to my doctors about it and see if they can do something to find out if i have actually damaged my brain or something i should be doing to make it better instead of taking all these psychiatric drugs...

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

There was a car accident when I was little in which my head cracked the front windshield...
I was never taken to the doctor, in fact my parents never knew about it i think but I dont remember because I blacked out...
apparently was able to act like everything was normal... which we did a lot back then through it all..

I just remember the one part that the car was going fast... and that i looked up, we were in the ditch on the railroad, and my head hit the windshield and it was cracked where I was...
we were going atleast 90mph... and i was around 5 years old...

I don't remember my child hood, or that much for that matter...
but I have these flashes of those type of memories...

I think I damaged my brain physically with all of the blows that it has taken over the years...
I've been through so much, my body has been hurt so much...

Im concerned about traumatic brain injury... the new therapist mentioned it almost right off the bat, i didnt know what to say because no one has ever cared enough to talk about it...
so maybe i will try to talk to my doctors about it and see if they can do something to find out if i have actually damaged my brain or something i should be doing to make it better instead of taking all these psychiatric drugs...

my suggestion would be to check with hospitals in the area where you lived. a child of 5 does not have very strong bones. if theres an accident where the impact was so great that a childs head cracked a windshield that means there was massive and noticeable damage inside and outside the body. you would have needed to be emergency transported to the hospital for surgery, broken skull, stitches, coma and much more. your hospital records will show everything that the hospital had to do for you. your records there will be easy to locate too because hospitals never get rid of their files. most times hospitals will also give you copies of your records for free if your therapist asks for them.

[elevatedsoul]

there was no doctors... we fled the scene because my psychotic half brother was driving without a license under the age and under the influence...

my mother did not know that anyone got hurt because apparently he was good at manipulation... i dont remember what happened a lot of the times he hurt us or the times we got hurt but i know that he would tell us things like if we told that he would hurt us more or that we would get into more trouble...

i just remember him talking mom into letting him drive the car to the dump to drop off some trash... which was about 15 minutes down the highway...
all 3 of us was in the car... i think i was in the front... and i think i was scared...
and i remember a car pulling up to us telling us that we needed to get out of there because cops were coming after the car ran off the road... its all a blur and i dont remember it very well... after that i dont remember anything...

there was always fighting and i would block out memories and time all of the time... so its not uncommon for me to be having a memory and then it go blank...

i dont remember any pain... although one would think there should of been some sort of pain... even tapping ones head against the windshield...

i have scars on my head and face but its no telling which accidents they are from...

we never were taken to the hospitals though because of the neglect... for instance...

one time we were playing outside... when we heard a peculiar sound...
it sounded like a train was whistling inside the house, curious kids wanted to investigate... there sat a pressure cooker on the stove... all of us gathered around, trying to figure out what it was doing... one wrong turn of the mechanism and it exploded... boiling water everywhere... meat everywhere...

it was hours, and hours... before my dads sister finally convinced him to take us to the emergency room... him drunk... my mom not at home because they had separated again...
this one i also dont remember very well... i've just pieced it together over the years....

Why Does Everything Seem So Surreal After Brain Injury?

[elevatedsoul]

im not making it up...

[elevatedsoul]

this is why i dont talk about this stuff much... because i feel like no one believes me...

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

this is why i dont talk about this stuff much... because i feel like no one believes me...

You may 'feel' that way but it doesn't mean it's true.I think you should keep talking about this kind of stuff,it's all that stuff from the past that you're holding inside of you that keeps you so down and struggling alll the time.It's poisonous,it's good to get it all out.

I am just afraid that now you're going to become obsessed with researching traumatic brain injury like you have with so many other things and become even more unstable than you already are.

Just keep talking,here and with your treatment providers about all of the things you went through as a child,I think that would help you so much more than trying to figure out exactly what your diagnosis should be or the cause of your struggles.Focus all that attention and energy on getting all of the poison out.

And when you want to start threads putting yourself down,saying you don't want to live,your life sucks,etc.,maybe talk about the past instead,it sounds like that's what's really behind all your hurt and pain.

Even though it made me sad to read your posts in this thread,to me it's progress that you're talking about it.It sounds like you had a horrible childhood and telling your story,even though it's hard,is healing.

[elevatedsoul]

I just want to get better... I don't wanna remember you know... I know that's part of why I can't...
I don't want to feel those pains... I don't want to go through it again...
I hurt enough as it is... With the bits that I do remember... I just want to forget about it all and start over really... Why can't I just do that...? Then I won't have to feel like this....

[elevatedsoul]

Im not gonna obsess...
It is just... I wish they would of taken me to the doctor.... All of us, more...

I wish a lot of things...

[RubyRae]

Also,you always say nobody understands,but they do,and many people would be able to relate to your stories if you shared them.

Like this:

we never were taken to the hospitals though because of the neglect

I can really relate to that.I wasn't taken to doctors or hospitals when I was a child.Sometimes I really suffered in severe pain because of it,but learned to act like I was fine and took care of myself the best I could.

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

I just want to get better... I don't wanna remember you know... I know that's part of why I can't...
I don't want to feel those pains... I don't want to go through it again...
I hurt enough as it is... With the bits that I do remember... I just want to forget about it all and start over really... Why can't I just do that...? Then I won't have to feel like this....

It would be nice to forget it and start over but really,the only way past it is through it.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

I'm concerned about traumatic brain injury... the new therapist mentioned it almost right off the bat, i didn't know what to say because no one has ever cared enough to talk about it...
so maybe i will try to talk to my doctors about it and see if they can do something to find out if i have actually damaged my brain or something i should be doing to make it better...

I think that is an excellent idea, and I would not be too concerned about all the related commentary for now. A few brain scans or whatever the neurologists do to look for evidence of injury could lead to some great discoveries of ways to coax all you can from your brain as it is and just as can often be done with any other organ in our bodies.

[amandalouise]

sorry elevated soul upon rereading my post to you I could see how you may think I was questioning or possibly not believing it..... the reason I suggested checking with hospitals wasnt because I didnt believe you, it was because I was thinking this would be a way for you to fill in the parts of the accident you were having trouble remembering. in your post that I was replying to you said you didnt remember much. I thought checking with the hospitals would help fill in the blanks for you.

[elevatedsoul]

so yesterday my half brother (the psychotic one that was driving) was here and he mentioned the car accident and said that my head did crack the windshield....