Flashbacks, depression, and self destruct mode

Life seems to have decided to torture me. The mother, cause of nearly everything, has become downright cruel. She went from just yelling and screaming, to silent treatment, to telling me to get out end of last week. She said out Friday. I informed her, basically, "good luck with that" because laws (here at least) mean that even without a lease or paying rent, because I have established residency in this hellhole of a house, she would have to formally evict me, which is a 30 day process.

I've applied for govt housing and am on the waiting list, but that can take 6 mos to 2 years, if I'm lucky. There's no other option of a place for me to go. I cannot work. I'm on SSDI, from the mental illness, that she pretty much caused.

I've lost hope. I can't do this anymore.

After all of that, Thursday and Friday from hell, she hasn't said a word about it. Nothing. Silence. Like it never happened. This is actually typical of her. Like any other abuser, there's the build-up, the blow up, the aftermath, then the honeymoon, and it starts all over again.

The part that is so hard is nothing is physical. It's all mental and emotional. She knows, she has to, what she is doing to me, and she doesn't give a ****.

I keep having this need to destroy myself. Bvecause none of what she is doing is physical, none of it is visible. So I make it visible. I can't keep fighting. She is going to win, I don't know when, but she will eventually. I'm just so tired. She's not gonna change, and I can't stand it anymore.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I've been there and I've been through physical abuse and yes I'd take the physical any day over the mental and emotional abuse. If you ever need someone to vent or just talk with you can PM anytime. You truly have my deepest sympathies I know how it eats at a person.

hey man Ive been there my whole life and Im with ya. I too grew up with a mentally abusive mother and a physically abusive mother. I too am on SSDI because of mental illness that my parents DEFINITELY caused. On top of ALL that, I've been framed by psycho exes who had me up on 20 to Life charges, from moving from ****** apartment to ****** apartment for almost 5 years continuously, I could not for the life of me stay put somewhere. In and out of ****** relationships and never having been able to plant my own roots I slowly became bitter and ****ing ANGRY at everything, and EVERYONE, AND I WAS STUCK! I've been to college twice, once for Graphic Design, once for Dental Hygiene, graduated a total of 0 ****ing times though, hah! I still have both student loans however, upwards of 10k left 15 YEARS later homie, this **** started young, when my parents brought me to Psych Hospitals at 6 years old for "Crying Baby Syndrome" and I was neglected the care of my parents and hawked off on some Phd. for him to study as a "case" while I lived at this Psych hospital as an infant. Babys ****ing cry people, its a fact of life. They didn't need to ship me off as many times as they did, between being taken away as a child by DCYF in my state until my father completed anger management for child abusers at the time. Then, then I could come home... I was 11 now and still going to the same ****ing Psych Ward they hocked me off at when I was 6 months old for crying too much. While there a jealous kid stabbed me in the ear with a ****ing pencil and perforated my right ear drum and then during the surgery they went to replace the hammer and the tympanoplasty failed and lost most hearing with fake eardrum and now a giant scar up my head. Recently I was in the worst possible car accident you can imagine, not my fault, 7 car pileup and I was hit 7 times from behind, on a bridge, and lost my car, a suped up Crown Vic I spent years working on. My point is this dude, I got the **** AWAY from my parents. Stopped trying to impress them in anyway shape and or form. Because I was still stuck, I worked and managed to save up enough and struck a deal for a 50' 5TH wheel King of the Road RV, parked that **** on my parents lawn, built the plumbing up to code, using YouTube and met the most amazing girl who has my back no matter what, the RV I bought is bigger than most of my friends apartments and I ****ing own it, my poor parents wave at me from across their driveway and I never make the trip across it. Ive come to realize that Im happiest without them. It took years for all of us to figure that out but its true. We force ourselves to try and impress others in our immediate family even when we know they could care less about us but simply because we are related... we feel that obligation. Even through all the **** Ive been through in life, most of it caused my my mom and father, and their complicit mutual decisions that lead to a druggy street lifestyle that I have since put behind me the past 3 years. I grow weed now in my little trailer , I taught myself how, and I work on the side. It makes me happy, and nobody is ****ing going to tell me otherwise, not even the government, Im a patient as of recent. Another thing I suggest is just listen to you and do what makes you happy in your situation, but work hard to get away, do it on your own and know that happiness can be achieved with proper health, medication, moderation, conversation, and of course, for me anyway, bong hits and medical cannabis cultivation, the combination makes me feel better than any SSRI, antidepressant, family member, government official, cop, hater or ***** ever could. I control my destiny. Im 32 now, it took me a loooong ****ing time to realize that and stop *****ing though, i *****ed alot, I still do, but know this man, what goes down, must go up, so no matter how bad **** gets, someday will be different than today, Good luck bud!

How about going to a shelter? I know I've suggested this to you before. It definitely is an option and the staff will be able to help with your government housing.

Congratulations!! I did the same thing, but differently....You must help yourself, because in the beginning that's all you have and turn the hurt and anger into ambition! I'm so happy for you!