[childofchaos831]

I hate my life. There's no point. Nothing is ever gonna get better. I keep trying. She won't listen. I try to explain and she doesn't care. Why would she? I'm just a piece of ****... It doesn't matter that she's my mother, she doesn't give two shits about me, she never has, and she never will. Why do I even keep trying?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

I hate my life. There's no point. Nothing is ever gonna get better. I keep trying. She won't listen. I try to explain and she doesn't care. Why would she? I'm just a piece of ****... It doesn't matter that she's my mother, she doesn't give two shits about me, she never has, and she never will. Why do I even keep trying?

This is a hard situation, and I'm sorry you are having to go through it. What are your options? Do you live with her? Giving up means she wins. You know you matter and that you are not a piece of sh__. Prove that to her, even more so prove it to yourself. Stay strong. We are here for you.

[childofchaos831]

I do know giving up means she wins, and honestly, that is the only reason I haven't yet. I refuse to give her that. I do live with her, and can't afford to move. I can only afford about $200 a month for rent. I applied for govt housing, but don't even have my place on the waiting list yet. The list usually takes at least a year, tho, and I cannot stand it that long. There's no room at my dad's house, or I'd be there already. I'm out of options...

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

I do know giving up means she wins, and honestly, that is the only reason I haven't yet. I refuse to give her that. I do live with her, and can't afford to move. I can only afford about $200 a month for rent. I applied for govt housing, but don't even have my place on the waiting list yet. The list usually takes at least a year, tho, and I cannot stand it that long. There's no room at my dad's house, or I'd be there already. I'm out of options...

How old are you? Can social services help you? Any other relatives?

[childofchaos831]

I'm 34. I've been on disability benefits since I was 21, which is why I can't afford to leave. My sister lives on the other side of the country, and honestly, she is much like our mother when you get down to it. There isn't any other family that I could turn to, because my mother has them all convinced I am the problem and that she is perfect.

She is narcissistic, and no one irl believes me other than my T and pdoc. She has me so utterly defeated that it's almost like Stockholm syndrome or battered wives syndrome. But I'm an adult, and she is never physical. When I try to explain it to people, they all just say "then leave" but it's not even just the rent part of it. I rely on her for all of my expenses. Medical bills, car insurance, gas money, my phone. And she uses that as leverage to keep me compliant.

I've asked friends for help, a couch to sleep on, anything, but there's nothing. No one will help. They don't understand what it's like living with a woman who only cares about me in the sense of what use I am to her.

She was emotionally distant and neglectful when I was growing up. I don't remember her ever saying I love you and I only remember one hug.

I just can't keep doing going like this... She keeps breaking me down more and more and won't listen when I try to talk to her... I don't know when, not tonight, but at some point, she is going to win. I have already reached my limit... I've gotten to the cliff's edge and now I'm walking on a tight rope with no harness and no net... all it is gonna take is one little breeze... I'm just done.

[kenziemae312]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

I hate my life. There's no point. Nothing is ever gonna get better. I keep trying. She won't listen. I try to explain and she doesn't care. Why would she? I'm just a piece of ****... It doesn't matter that she's my mother, she doesn't give two shits about me, she never has, and she never will. Why do I even keep trying?

Because you're strong. You're not a piece of poop. And you apparently have a big heart or you wouldn't be so torn up.

[nyc artist]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

I'm 34. I've been on disability benefits since I was 21, which is why I can't afford to leave. My sister lives on the other side of the country, and honestly, she is much like our mother when you get down to it. There isn't any other family that I could turn to, because my mother has them all convinced I am the problem and that she is perfect.

She is narcissistic, and no one irl believes me other than my T and pdoc. She has me so utterly defeated that it's almost like Stockholm syndrome or battered wives syndrome. But I'm an adult, and she is never physical. When I try to explain it to people, they all just say "then leave" but it's not even just the rent part of it. I rely on her for all of my expenses. Medical bills, car insurance, gas money, my phone. And she uses that as leverage to keep me compliant.

I've asked friends for help, a couch to sleep on, anything, but there's nothing. No one will help. They don't understand what it's like living with a woman who only cares about me in the sense of what use I am to her.

She was emotionally distant and neglectful when I was growing up. I don't remember her ever saying I love you and I only remember one hug.

I just can't keep doing going like this... She keeps breaking me down more and more and won't listen when I try to talk to her... I don't know when, not tonight, but at some point, she is going to win. I have already reached my limit... I've gotten to the cliff's edge and now I'm walking on a tight rope with no harness and no net... all it is gonna take is one little breeze... I'm just done.

I understand completely. It actually sounds like you took this out of the book of my life. I'm in my 30's and my mother still physically abuses me when she comes to visit. She mentally abuses me every day through text. I've never been hugged by her, nor most of my family because of her. The only people that cared about me were my grandparents and they are both gone. I am also on disability but thankfully I saved my money from my jobs when I was younger so I have a good amount in savings and I can live far from her.

Your T or psychiatrist should be able to get you on that government housing list pretty fast. What about staying at a shelter? I know it doesn't sound ideal but it would keep a roof over your head, food in your stomach, and get you away from your mother. I stayed at a DV shelter for about 5 months. It was a very nice house and didn't cost me a dime. The staff at the shelter helped the residents find jobs, get government assistance, etc. They were also Ts and provided therapy pretty much whenever you needed it, but scheduled 3 proper appointments every week. Just something to think about. There are options out there and you are not a piece of *****!

[kenziemae312]

Holy crap...I want to hug you both. I can't identify with having an unloving mother, mine is my rock, best friend and shining example of unconditional love. I do identify with the abuse, though. I'm also in my 30s, I was attacked and had my neck wrenched by an ex, a few years and more bad boyfriends, I met Aaron. I had asked my father, again, to live with him. Again, he said no. I lived with Aaron, loved him with everything I had. He tried to kill my soul. By the end of almost 2 years with this "man" I was being regularly woke up to him raping me. It became regular, I did not fight. I found a place inside me and made my body "not feel". We are not what our abusers say we are. We are loved by Someone. Big hugs to you both.

[sybil.heilweil]

I can't
Yes you can!!! I am 55 an have been disabled since I was 14, my mother and Family members didn't understand. I know how difficult the road is and just how painful. But, you're dealing with too much without the extra baggage of your unsimpathetic relatives.
Apply for food stamps and any other government assistance that you can, while you're having a burst of energy if you know what i mean. If you need help or don't understand please contact me. Please contact me either way! You can and will find a way to escape the toxic environment that you are surrounded by. It will make your condition mentally as well as physically fester and cause you to become more depressed and despondent.
Look for furnished room to rent and cut off all contact with the toxic relationships that you now have in your like!.
I'm sorry that I am so callous and to the point , but there are so many families that are not blood relationships! People that will love you, care for you and accept you for who you really are! You just need to reach out a little we are here!
When I was in my late teens until my late thirties I felt exactly like you, but am now free! I don't need anyone to help me, reassure me, or approve of me! I am in a very happy and am the most satisfied with my (unhealthy and constantly sick disabled) person with an unlimited amount of love to give and friends who understand and reciprocate. Sorry for babbling, but life is too short...
TAKE THAT, YOU CAN'T INTO I CAN AND WATCH ME! EVERY TIME YOUR FEELING LIKE GIVING UP. CLOSE YOUR EYE AND HEAR ALL OF THEM TELLING YOU THAT YOU'LL FAIL, IT WOLL GIVE YOU THAT EXTRA BOOST TO CONTINUE ON YOUR JOURNEY TO YOUR NEW LIFE! IT'S WORTH IT!

[SoupDragon]

I'm sorry it feels so tough right now. Does your T and procedures know how hard it is for you at the moment?

You are not worthless and you deserve life. It will get better, don't lose hope.