[peaches100]

I have dissociation problems, which my t and I have been working on. I am co-conscious much of the time but not always. What I mean is that I don't exhibit some of the most severe manifestations of DID...such as suddently "coming to" and not knowing where I am. However, I do zone out for sometimes long periods of time. During these zone out times, I am either stuck in my head and not aware of my physical surroundings or I sometimes experience two parts of myself with opposite action urges, so I can feel "locked" in a conflict between those two parts of me until either one part of me wins, or until somehow I can break out that zone. To give an example, a part of me wants to email my t. Another part of me, which I think of as my normal adult self, says No, it's not a good idea, it's not necessary, don't be needy, etc. Then the younger parts gets upset and emotional and starts typing the email anyway. So then I (adult part) erase it and say No again, or else removes out of the email anything that is unacceptable and rewords it so it does not sound stupid and embarrassing. But other part won't take No for an answer. And back and forth. This could last as long as 3-4 hours without a break, although it doesn't usually last nearly that long.

But anyway, I'm digressing. My question is ...shoot...what was my question? Oh yeah. Once in awhile, I've had an odd experience that has always happened in the morning in the bathroom when I have showered and am getting ready for work. It has only happened maybe 4 or 5 times in the last couple of years. But when it does happen, it is terrifying and leaves me very confused, scared, and feeling like I'm losing my mind.

What happens is that suddenly, my heart will start pounding, I will feel increasing anxiety, and then, just for maybe 2 or 3 seconds, a picture will appear in my mind. Something inside me then gets a horrible deja vu feeling and a thought like, "I remember this happening!" But somehow, I still have enough awareness to realize that whatever the picture is showing, it is not something I remember (my normal adult self). So I try to look at the actual picture to see clearly what it is showing. But the minute I (normal me) tries to see the picture, it fades away.

By then, I feel shaky and very scared. I can feel my heart racing and I start feeling like I need to go to the bathroom. I have an awful sense of doom, and it feels like I am disoriented, like living in two different realities or something. Only I can't make sense of what is going on. At that point, I usually sit down on my bed and deep breathe until the terrified and unreal feelings go away. It usually takes about 5-10 minutes before I am mostly OK again. But weird uneasy feelings often linger all day behind the scenes.

Like I said, when it has happened, it is almost always in the morning when I am showering, dressing, and getting ready for work. When it comes on, it feels pretty much the same way every time. And every time, when I get that picture in my mind, and one part of me says, "Yes, I remember that bad thing happening, but I try to see the picture for myself, it goes away.

Can anybody tell me if this would be considered a flashback of something that likely did happen to me as a child...and some part of me recognizes it, while my normal self doesn't have that awareness of what happened? I don't think it's a panic attack because although I have anxiety problems, I don't experience panic attacks. Because this experience happens the same way every time, it seems more like a memory. But I just don't know.

It really bothers me because it is so disturbing, yet I just can't see what the picture is long enough to understand what it (and the awful deja vu feelings) are about.

If it helps any, I know I have bee diagnosed with C-PTSD and GAD, but I also have in addition to that either DDNOS or co-conscious DID. I've been kind of afraid to come right out and ask my t which diagnosis fits.

[pegasus]

Yes this sounds very much like a flashback and the fact that it recurs in the same area. Flashbacks can involve all the senses, visual, hearing, feelings etc. Please discuss this with your T. Hugs.

[it'sgrowtime]

Yes, I’ve felt similar. I can’t say what these things are and what they mean for you because I don’t want to be wrong. For me though, I can guess that they are my deepest emotions coming out when part of me can’t hold them back any longer. My defenses collapsed, because my defenses had become dysfunctional. I labeled it my metamorphosis, because I’m evolving into an integrated being. Each “attack” showed me one new thing until I could see my many wounds, so that I could tend to them. I accepted my painful experiences. I felt care and love for my little self...to be so scared. I’ve also had these flashback experiences, yet without fear; instead I felt crushing loneliness or sorrow, with an image.

I had one episode where I was not afraid, although my mind was in that scary place of the past (basement). There was a golden light, and warmth; I was able to observe the space and I could control the pace and events. It was an absolutely bizarre experience, but I stayed open minded that my brain needed it to happen for healing purposes. My whole body was numb and tingly but warm and comfortable. I narrated the experience to my husband as it unfolded, and my words came out with no thought or effort. I cried deeply during this episode too, but it was cleansing. Again, I don’t know what these things are, but clearly other people experience them, too.

I was very open with my therapist about all these episodes. I’m sorry you are experiencing fear like that, and I hope it gets easier for you.

[Open Eyes]

If you have these inner challenges where you feel a part of you has a need and wants to talk about that need, it's important that you give that part of yourself a way to vent. It sounds like your adult self believes that the part of you that has a need doesn't deserve to have a voice.

I have learned that when I get triggered and make an effort to vent it, even if I repeat it, it leads to an unmet need in me that I had not really recognized I had. This is something a therapist who specialized in doing trauma work with patients helped me understand. I have learned that flashbacks, be it emotional or visual are points in my life that traumatized me that I never processed or resolved. It's important to understand that we learn to live around a lot of unhealthy and dysfunctional environments, yet, we often learn based on whatever our age and life experience is at the time. The human brain is designed to figure out how to navigate in a way that helps us figure out how to survive, and the human brain is set up to record whatever a person experiences and how these experiences can lead to the individual feeling threatened in some way. The instincts we are all born with are "fight, flight, freeze and fawn" and when we are very young we do not have enough life experience to know what these instincts and reactions mean. We take many of our cues from the other human beings that are in our environment and we do not know the difference between healthy and dysfunctional and we are all very dependent for several years of our lives.

When you experience a trigger, it can be very confusing depending on your age when something caused you to feel threatened and confused. Personally, I was shocked by the flashbacks I began to experience and I had not realized the brain could experience something from the past this way. However, because we have gained so much in our knowledge of the brain, I have slowly learned how the brain actually reacts to trauma and because our first response is to survive, often we don't store trauma in a complete story that has language. Actually, for young children most of the trauma they experience is based on their physical needs and with that these needs are based on if they are warm and fed. When babies cry they are crying because something hurts and babies are very sensitive and hunger in a baby is painful, painful enough so it makes them cry out and that lets the mother know they have a need.

It's very important to allow yourself to vent whenever you can. If you have a part of you that has this urge to call or talk to your therapist, don't push that need away, instead sit down and see if that part of you can put whatever that need is into words. Personally, I have found that I get triggered and vent and repeat, yet, there is always something "new" that I have figured out a way to put into words that I can add to this experience that tends to keep getting triggered to come forward. There is something I had missed in that experience and I have slowly learned that it has a lot to do with how old I was when this trauma took place. It's actually a lot like going back to a time where you could only count to 10 and even though you have gained a lot more knowledge about counting since that time, you are still at an age where you could only count to 10 in that trigger. Understand?