As much as I enjoy the companionship of friends, my tendency is to push them away whenever I feel hurt by them. It actually goes like this: Hurt - scared - push away. It's a cycle I'm trying to break by learning to be assertive. I also have some social anxiety which makes it even harder. I find that my world has become very small as I tend to isolate. Does anyone else deal with this and if so, how did you ever get comfortable around people again? From what I've read, correct me if I'm wrong, that exposure therapy doesn't work in complex PTSD. I've always been a very social person up until 6 years ago.

[SoupDragon]

I can relate to this. I find it hard work to work through my feelings in relationships, even though I have the tools. I prefer to hang out with my dogs.

Lol. I can relate to that. I too have a couple of dogs I enjoy. I know what you mean by having the tools. I know afterwards what I should have said or done but in the moment I go into people pleasing mode. I'm kind of at the point where I just want to give up on the human race but I know that's not healthy. On the other hand others triggering me doesn't seem to appealing either. Been sitting on this fence for a year or so now. Do you work? I don't. I was thinking then a person would be forced to be around others.

[Open Eyes]

As much as I enjoy the companionship of friends, my tendency is to push them away whenever I feel hurt by them.

This is a very common symptom when it comes to struggling with complex PTSD. Each person has sensitivities based on whatever they failed to get in their early childhood years. The other thing that is important is whatever an individual was encouraged to consider "the ideal" and whatever messages the individual received where they were hurt for not meeting up with that "ideal".

From the time we begin going to school, we are faced with having to deal with being criticized for whatever we don't master in a lot of different areas. So, basically, we consistently face judgement and criticism that it's no wonder we have a list of so many different mental health challenges. Actually, just recently Facebook creators admitted that all the "likes" that they have included in their social media connections actually can be bad for our "mental health". Our children don't really know what "poor" is, they are taught what poor is and they are taught "shame". It's no wonder so many are so susceptible to being drawn into something "toxic" when someone comes along and suddenly treats them like they actually have "value".

When you push your friends away, it's not so much them you are avoiding is it?

Can you make a list of the things that these friends do or say that tend to trigger you the most where you pull back and avoid?

[sadforever]

I just want to be alone. It has been like that since I started having flashbacks. Being alone seems to help.

[Open Eyes]

I'm sorry (((sadforever))), I think it's better if experiencing a lot of flashbacks to go easy.
I have struggled with them myself and when that happens I prefer to stay quiet and sort them out. Are you seeing a therapist?

Well my family of origin looked perfect from the outside. Inside I had a mother who was a narc and played favorites. Lets just say I wasn't hers. So to answer your question, when I am in a friendship where I feel the other person treats me less than, it triggers anger in me. Now as an adult, of course it's never about the other person. They are no more responsible for how I feel than I for them. The fact is though that it still triggers me. It's the hurt I'm avoiding. What I need to do is say what I feel at the time someone hurts me. Assertiveness. But when you've been programmed to never express anger it doesn't come naturally. So I either continue to put myself out there in hopes that one day I get it or decide it's just not worth the effort. I hope this answered your question

Originally Posted by sadforever

I just want to be alone. It has been like that since I started having flashbacks. Being alone seems to help.

Don't you get awefully lonely? Sorry, I don't know if I'm posting this in the right place. Still figuring out this site.

[Stuckintime]

Originally Posted by Rocky Road

As much as I enjoy the companionship of friends, my tendency is to push them away whenever I feel hurt by them. It actually goes like this: Hurt - scared - push away. It's a cycle I'm trying to break by learning to be assertive. I also have some social anxiety which makes it even harder. I find that my world has become very small as I tend to isolate. Does anyone else deal with this and if so, how did you ever get comfortable around people again? From what I've read, correct me if I'm wrong, that exposure therapy doesn't work in complex PTSD. I've always been a very social person up until 6 years ago.

I too have a tendency to isolate myself. I also have social anxiety among other problems from combat PTSD.
I believe my new therapist is going to go in the direction of prolonged exposure therapy. Not sure what to think about it. Trying to read up on it. I don't have s problem with pushing people away because they hurt me, I generally don't let anyone get that close anymore

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Rocky Road

Lol. I can relate to that. I too have a couple of dogs I enjoy. I know what you mean by having the tools. I know afterwards what I should have said or done but in the moment I go into people pleasing mode. I'm kind of at the point where I just want to give up on the human race but I know that's not healthy. On the other hand others triggering me doesn't seem to appealing either. Been sitting on this fence for a year or so now. Do you work? I don't. I was thinking then a person would be forced to be around others.

Yes, that is how it is for me too. I do work, but my work has evolved to working mostly on my own at home. I think my anxiety around people has got worse, due to being more isolated. I think being with people and having positive experiences, helps dilute the lack of trust I have in people.

Actually I have just signed up for an evening class. It will be something I am interested in, but will mean I have to mix with people. But as we will be focused on the actual class, I am hoping it will feel less overwhelming.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Rocky Road

Well my family of origin looked perfect from the outside. Inside I had a mother who was a narc and played favorites. Lets just say I wasn't hers. So to answer your question, when I am in a friendship where I feel the other person treats me less than, it triggers anger in me. Now as an adult, of course it's never about the other person. They are no more responsible for how I feel than I for them. The fact is though that it still triggers me. It's the hurt I'm avoiding. What I need to do is say what I feel at the time someone hurts me. Assertiveness. But when you've been programmed to never express anger it doesn't come naturally. So I either continue to put myself out there in hopes that one day I get it or decide it's just not worth the effort. I hope this answered your question

That's good, you were able to answer my question and share a sensitive area you have noticed about yourself.

Sometimes, what can happen is that a toxic parent or constant exposure to someone toxic can unknowingly create skills in being around these kind of individuals and one can end up in relationships with these same kind of individuals not even realizing one has turned into the kind of person these individuals like to have around them.

One of the things I have noticed about myself is that because I can be attentive, I have attracted individuals who's needs and feelings are more important to them then them being able to respect my needs too. Individuals who have more narcissistic leaning personalities tend to need to have THEIR feelings take precedent and they don't really know how to listen. These individuals tend to "judge and criticize" and "instruct" more than have the skills to "listen and consider the self esteem and identity and values others have".

If someone grows up with a mother or even father who constantly treats them to feel their needs are a bother it's natural that this child would end up learning to feel "guilt and shame" for having needs they need help with.

A lot of the individuals I come across that struggle with complex PTSD tend to be more sensitive to the needs of others, well, that is because that is how they had to survive in the family environment they grew up in, often having to learn the needs of the parent and focus on that MORE then themselves to at least get SOME attention.

You have talked about being more assertive, and while that is a good skill to develop, often that doesn't work when it comes to an individual who leans towards having a higher degree/level of narcissism. That is because these individuals need to experience that they are more important and always right.

What this does is it sets an individual who was raised to feel their needs and feelings are not important is when that individual experiences something traumatic, they are more likely to self blame and feel guilt and get emotionally overwhelmed. And, they experience feeling very ALONE.

When I was at my worst and began getting suicidal, I "FELT" that everyone around me would be better off if I was out of the picture. I look back on that now realizing how much that was saying how little I had when it came to having individuals around me who genuinely had the ability to see MY NEEDS.

What I did not realize is I had unknowingly surrounded myself with individuals that had to have THEIR NEEDS met and they genuinely did not know how to recognize MY NEEDS and the message I was getting was that my needs were a huge inconvenience.

Most people that have this challenge tend to ask a question and express a challenge and end up having to end that request with "Sorry". Or, what a person can experience is some kind of deep anticipation that when they do make it a point to share their challenge or even their opinion that they will end up getting criticized or even punished or even that they might face "silence" too, not one response or acknowledgment.

It's no wonder "animals" can be so therapeutic because animals appreciate a lot more than human beings do.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Yes, that is how it is for me too. I do work, but my work has evolved to working mostly on my own at home. I think my anxiety around people has got worse, due to being more isolated. I think being with people and having positive experiences, helps dilute the lack of trust I have in people.

Actually I have just signed up for an evening class. It will be something I am interested in, but will mean I have to mix with people. But as we will be focused on the actual class, I am hoping it will feel less overwhelming.

I hope your class goes well. I am looking to join a class as well. I know the longer I withdraw from people the more fearful I become. I really don't want to become isolated.

[MoxieDoxie]

Yes...I can't keep friends because of this issue plus I want to stay home all the time that I turn down invitations to go out that eventually the invitations stop. I have one friend that I feel comfortable with and like to be around.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Yes, that is how it is for me too. I do work, but my work has evolved to working mostly on my own at home. I think my anxiety around people has got worse, due to being more isolated. I think being with people and having positive experiences, helps dilute the lack of trust I have in people.

Actually I have just signed up for an evening class. It will be something I am interested in, but will mean I have to mix with people. But as we will be focused on the actual class, I am hoping it will feel less overwhelming.

I wanted to wish you good luck with your class. Keep us posted as to how it goes. I've decided to keep putting myself out there too as for me, isolation is a lonely boring existance I am chosing not to participate in. I had an aha moment the other day. I realized that it doesn't really matter what others think of me. All that really matters is what I think of myself. I'm not perfect but neither is anyone else out there. I also know that I will probably make mistakes as I'm only human. Enjoy your class soup dragon. You deserve to be there.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

That's good, you were able to answer my question and share a sensitive area you have noticed about yourself.


Sometimes, what can happen is that a toxic parent or constant exposure to someone toxic can unknowingly create skills in being around these kind of individuals and one can end up in relationships with these same kind of individuals not even realizing one has turned into the kind of person these individuals like to have around them.


One of the things I have noticed about myself is that because I can be attentive, I have attracted individuals who's needs and feelings are more important to them then them being able to respect my needs too. Individuals who have more narcissistic leaning personalities tend to need to have THEIR feelings take precedent and they don't really know how to listen. These individuals tend to "judge and criticize" and "instruct" more than have the skills to "listen and consider the self esteem and identity and values others have".


If someone grows up with a mother or even father who constantly treats them to feel their needs are a bother it's natural that this child would end up learning to feel "guilt and shame" for having needs they need help with.


A lot of the individuals I come across that struggle with complex PTSD tend to be more sensitive to the needs of others, well, that is because that is how they had to survive in the family environment they grew up in, often having to learn the needs of the parent and focus on that MORE then themselves to at least get SOME attention.


You have talked about being more assertive, and while that is a good skill to develop, often that doesn't work when it comes to an individual who leans towards having a higher degree/level of narcissism. That is because these individuals need to experience that they are more important and always right.


What this does is it sets an individual who was raised to feel their needs and feelings are not important is when that individual experiences something traumatic, they are more likely to self blame and feel guilt and get emotionally overwhelmed. And, they experience feeling very ALONE.


When I was at my worst and began getting suicidal, I "FELT" that everyone around me would be better off if I was out of the picture. I look back on that now realizing how much that was saying how little I had when it came to having individuals around me who genuinely had the ability to see MY NEEDS.


What I did not realize is I had unknowingly surrounded myself with individuals that had to have THEIR NEEDS met and they genuinely did not know how to recognize MY NEEDS and the message I was getting was that my needs were a huge inconvenience.


Most people that have this challenge tend to ask a question and express a challenge and end up having to end that request with "Sorry". Or, what a person can experience is some kind of deep anticipation that when they do make it a point to share their challenge or even their opinion that they will end up getting criticized or even punished or even that they might face "silence" too, not one response or acknowledgment.


It's no wonder "animals" can be so therapeutic because animals appreciate a lot more than human beings do.

Thank you for this!!!

I couldn’t have written a better description of myself.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Yes, that is how it is for me too. I do work, but my work has evolved to working mostly on my own at home. I think my anxiety around people has got worse, due to being more isolated. I think being with people and having positive experiences, helps dilute the lack of trust I have in people.

Actually I have just signed up for an evening class. It will be something I am interested in, but will mean I have to mix with people. But as we will be focused on the actual class, I am hoping it will feel less overwhelming.

Have you been to the class yet Soup? Just checking in to see how you are doing.