cptsdvictim's journal

In the cafe, relaxing. Today was a productive day. Holy moly. There are over 5k additions and several hundred deletions in my changes overall. It took me the entire day to review once and implement the changes. Good news, though, fixed an alignment bug that was on my mind but that I was willing to leave for later (read: very far in the future, close to never, or, in the limit of never 😅 ).

Tomorrow will be doctor's appointment in the morning, then I'll head to the vegan restaurant to relax and have lunch. Afterwards I'll review again my changes and, hopefully, merge them. It'll be another humongous piece of work.

Having 3 days left for work, I think I'll just start on the next issue, inline, earlier. Will get done as much as possible, extending into Saturday to get it implemented in some manner (maybe half of the total work?). With the next two weeks dedicated for finishing it. Shouldn't be too big of a deal as it's similar to an already implemented solution. Though, there're some preemptive changes I need to do in advance to implementing said issue.

Let's goo!

The nerd in me loves reading about your work. I came across some code of mine a while ago and i almost cried at how beautiful it was. It looked like it was formatted by machine. But it was really just judicious choice of variable names and tabs. Im so weird. My supervisors said i was spending too much time formatting, but i spent NO time formatting. I only had to type the differences, everything else was automatically repeated.

You know what they say - you want a job done fast, give it to a lazy person. They will figure out the easiest way so they can get back to doing nothing. Thats me.

A fellow coder. Hooray! 🙌🏻

The obsession over code style and formatting is real. 😅 I very rarely leave something unattended. Speaks to the perfectionist in me. Your supervisors wanted things done fast, but when they have to go back and read the code for whatever reason, who laughs then? Haha. Though, it's true, finding the balance between getting things done and keep iterating on the code to improve it isn't easy due to the need to deliver shiny new things all the time.

I'm glad you had that cathartic reaction to reading your code. Well done!

Berlin’s Abandoned Airport | Easy German Live - YouTube (CC subtitles available)

Omg that looks so great!!!

Just had a conversation with the manager of the shelter. As expected, he tried to make the point of the abuser and defend him. Had to reiterate my position a few times. I stated that I'm willing to raise the issue with the housing authority and even take legal action if necessary. He acknowledged and said he'll talk with the roommate. He even tried making the point that if I leave this shelter I might even end up in one where roommates will steal from me. Isn't that crazy? Too bad I didn't get to record the conversation. It happened too fast.

The host is a true polyglot. Wow.

At the doctor. I wasn't called in when I left the shelter. So no recording this morning.

I remembered the social worker who, despite me telling her I've C-PTSD and suffer from extreme anxiety and dissociation, she was pushing me to go back into the workforce and was disappointed when she learned I was granted disability. Some people are disgusting. If you're one of those, ask yourself: how can you sustain systems of oppression and just be miserable your entire life by clinging to your privileges at the detriment of people in need? Why don't you elect progressive politicians to enact policy change and instead vote religious conservatives to keep your "status quo" in place?

At the vegan restaurant. Basically, the doctor appointment went like this: she (they rotate all the time and have to repeat almost the same stuff at every appointment - a sign of how "resilient" they are) asked me how it's going for me. Of course, I asked: "medication wise?", and, of course, as someone who was raised to be a "good little girl" and to honor her profession (read: ask just to ask but not for actually caring for the person in front of you), she said "in general". And so I explained to her my situation, my history and kept her accountable. The result? She couldn't cope (her brain pushed away, rapidly all that I said) so she immediately disposed of me. Good thing I realized on my way out that she didn't tell me the next appointment datetime and I went back to get it from her. I need the anti psychotic, otherwise I'll have another psychotic break. It's fun to watch people break down when they're used with their privileges and their comfort, but confronted with reality.

Finished reading T.W. Part of me would like the West to have a CEKA and be traumatized so badly that it'll never recover just as it happened to the South-East Europe countries when they were abandoned by the "very resilient" West. Part of me knows that'd be wrong as the damage will be permanent and from what we know from C-PTSD, once you traumatize someone so badly, there's no recovery. If you want to destroy a nation, you do it like Lenin and Stalin did.

Having dinner. Today is the day: how will the bully narcissistic roommate choose to respond/react? I'll, of course, record beforehand - before even entering the shelter, while keeping my phone in hand. If I'm not called to the office when I enter the shelter, I'll keep recording for if/when the bully narcissistic roommate is in the room or for the eventuality that, during the room check-in, the staff approaches me like last time (which I don't plan on repeating getting caught off guard and not recording).

I got to review my changes today and found and resolved a few issues. Tomorrow I'll have another (hopefully final) round. Then merge! Forza! Vamos!

In the shelter. I wasn't called to the office nor is the bully narcissistic roommate here. Recording and just spending time browsing the web. If I don't get to record his reaction tonight, most probably tomorrow morning. 🤞🏻

Forza! Vamos!

Good morning! I spent the night chatting in the chat room with two lovely members. And, the narcissistic bully roommate finally came while I was chatting. I could hear the manager having the discussion with him. Interestingly, when the narcissistic bully roommate entered the room, he didn't say anything. I recorded him until I went to sleep and he was quiet.

Will record and more this morning and when I get back from work. Let's see if the manager calls me to his office to talk and update me on how it went or if the narcissistic bully roommate will say something. Or maybe both.

I won't work this morning until I get to the library as it takes more than an hour to review the changes.

Forza! Vamos!

Saved 20 bucks from last week. Put them into one of my savings accounts. Yay.

Also, my mother called me while I was in the shower. She seemed fine and just wanted to check on me. As usual, I kept it short (she usually gets abusive shortly after she hears how I'm doing). I asked her whether she spoke with her family acquaintances and told her the Facebook reaction & request for friendship. She said she didn't speak to them since a long time ago when she was on Facebook. Weird. Could they've learned about my father's death from others, then?

Today's going to be an epic day. Conversations recording aside, I'm going to start my Wednesday as usual: a croissant 🥐 and a decaf Americano with cold oat milk in the morning, then, hopefully, this time I move fast enough and get to the library in time to have at least 1h and a ½ so I can review my changes and (fingers crossed) merge them. If not, I'll just resume from where I left off. I'll then go for lunch: soup with bread and vegan butter (made out of sunflower 🌻 ) followed by a decaf oat latte at my favorite vegan restaurant. Then I'll resume work, and, if there's still a need to review and merge my changes I'll get that done, but if not, I'll add the next two issues to work on to my sprint. After which I'll continue to work just to end the evening by going to the cafe, reading CS papers batch from arXiv that came in this morning and then have a vegan sandwich for dinner. On my way back to the shelter I'll buy shower gel as I'm running out. I'll also place a phone call with my GP to confirm whether the appointment is for Thursday this week or next week (yesterday my brain misfired and thought it was Thursday instead of Tuesday).

The weather seems lovely, too. All in all: Vamos! Forza!