rejection.

I find it very hard to deal with rejection. I tend to cling on to people in my relationships well after I know it is time to move on. When they realise that I am not happy, I cant bear the rejection and it can torment me for ages. I am 45 now, shouldnt I be able to cope better at my age? I was adopted and I think that this could be why?

I don't think age has anything much to do with rejection. No one likes when people leave or die or move away/change jobs, etc.

I think a lot of how well we move on has to do with how well we know and like ourselves and are comfortable with what we are doing with our lives. If we haven't figured out what we want to do "next" and don't have much going on in the meantime, hard to cut ties?

I would think of times when you've changed jobs or moved when you were a kid and were looking forward to where you were going. When you want to end a relationship, start planning for the "next" thing and then it might not be so bad when it ends? I do try to remind myself to "turn around" and face "forward" rather than looking at disappointment in the past.

Thank you Perna, I like your response. Its quite weary having no one to turn to when these things happen. :-)

Rejection is EXTREMELY hard for me as well. It has been the reason I don't do more with my life since it is one of my biggest fears. I've had a lifetime of being rejected in many different capacities:father, peers, jobs, men etc.

I think desensitization is helpful. Go back to the old saying "don't put your all your eggs in one basket." Play the number game. If you're dating five men and three blow you off: it really isn't that important. If your only dating one and he blows you off then it is.

I also have a tough time with rejection and I'm 52 years old. Lately it seems to be really bad - I'm being dumped all the time!

Of course I've also moved around a lot too - and I also has a history of abuse/neglect, so that might also influence this - don't know. Overall I've always seen myself as a nice, interesting person - but looks like nobody else does!

Anyway, I am also pondering this.

http://www.google.com/search?q=dealing+with+rejection

Rejection most certainly hurts.

It can often be one of the triggers that will throw me into the depths of depression. It leaves me confused and feeling worthless. All too often it leads me into a spiral of being self-destructive.

However, when i am able to take an objective look at my feelings of rejection, it can lead me into some positive self-growth.

If I feel I am about to be rejected (often I am wrong) I reject first ! Its my way of dealing with it I get in first.

I hate being rejected I know it can really hurt.

I do that as well. My thought process being "I'll leave you before you leave me."

Since I'm married I no longer do that in relationships with men but I still do it in other aspects of my life.

To avoid rejection I'll isolate, shut-down, avoid and rage. (I'm a lot of fun)

i'm curious, are you in therapy? idk but it seems as tho many adoptees have abandonment issues. it might help to discuss this with a T to develop coping skills when you feel rejected....and it might result in keeping a friendship rather than losing one.
idk but for me it enabled me to learn how to have healthier relationships and as a result i keep them as a rule.

Rejection can cover so many things. I've been thinking of its full implications ... that we are not loved, don't measure up, are not personally acceptable, don't have the attributes people want (and therefore won't fit in), we are going to be exiled from the group, etc. I suppose if we have a fear of any of those things being potentially true, our anxiety is quite understandable. Perhaps it comes down to damaged self-esteem and striving to boost it by seeking acceptance from others. Most people do this to some extent ... it is healthy to want to relate to and be accepted by others. Threaten that acceptance, and people can feel tremendously insecure. Still working on this whole thing myself.

My take on fearing rejection:

My experience has shown me time and time again that my fears of being rejected or not accepted are the result of my negative self-talk. I can really do a number on myself especially right before a social event. Thoughts such as, "I'll say something silly", "No one will like me" or "What will I say?" race through my thoughts. With thoughts like these, no wonder I feel depressed and don't want to go.

My predictions (thoughts) about whether or not any given situation will end up by me feeling rejected is about 98% incorrect. Low self-esteem certainly plays a large role in the way I think. In my experience, the quickest way to better self-esteem comes from first identifying all the ugly lies that we tell ourselves (some do this more than others) and then reformulating a more realistic statement. "I will say something silly" could be turned into "Everyone from time-to-time says something silly, it's part of being human". Testing the reality of my thoughts has made me realize that "thoughts are not emotions".

As far as actually experiencing rejection by someone I admire, do my automatic thoughts "I am unlovable" or "I am unworthy" help me or lead me down the path of depression?

What are your thoughts?

rejection hurts the ego - which in turn hurts the heart

I do not handle rejection well myself. Even here on PC, when I post a thread and almost nobody replies, I start to feel rejected and rotten.
For me, it has to do with my upbringing, especially by my father. It was either do something perfectly and be grudgingly accepted, or fail and be either totally ignored or beaten up and/or be diminished to dust with sarcasm.
I still find myself trying to do things perfectly (which in itself is vague and unreal, I know), just in the hope of being acknowledged, being allowed to exist. And as soon as I think I fail, I want to stop and run away.
So when people reject me (or something about me), I feel like I have no right to exist.

The head knows better... the rest of my still freaks out at any sign of rejection.