Isn't that a totally redundant statement? I mean, how could you? I've not always had a positive reactions to anger as a child. Yet, I hate it when I blow up at my mom and she always has to fallow up right a way, without letting me cool off. It ****s up how I react to other circumstances in my life. I let people let fools of me because my emotions are ****ed up. Damn it.

http://www.uthealthleader.org/archiv...ness-0131.html

[madisgram]

well i have my challenges with anger sometimes. a lot of my coping skills are a result of therapy:
like, how important is this?
think before i speak (blow)
am i angry at the other person or at myself?.. when conflict arises.
is fear really what i am feeling, rather than anger?

when all else fails and i start in, i try to catch myself and say to the other person...i take that back! it works!!!
it sounds like your situation with your mom is that she may not validate your feelings. try validating her's and see if that helps. it's like reverse psychology.

[shezbut]

Madisgram gave very helpful advice.

I often find myself doing similar things to catch my cool.

For me, certain people are very close to my limit before they even speak (like my mom). A frequent consequence of that was very thick tension between us, without words spoke. One of us would ask a simple question, like, "Are you having supper with us?" and the other would pounce and shred!

Now, I frequently avoid seeing or talking with family (mostly my mom though, she's the core). When I do see family, I stay for a short time. A couple of hours ~ maximum! I see them maybe once every couple of months. I also don't talk about anything emotional with family. My conversations with them are very brief, light, and insignificant. This has given me the space that I needed to become a little more comfortable spending time with family.

Perhaps, as time passes, and I get better things will slowly become more "real". I am holding tightly onto moving very slowly though.

You may need to take that space between yourself and a few other people until you gain a better sense of emotional control. Take it slowly ~ and avoid the urge/s to bolt or fight. If you can only hold yourself back for a minute or two, your visits are going to have to be very limited. I also recommend that you actively work through the emotions that you find yourself fighting. Chances are, the anger is secondary to a fragile initial emotion. The anger quickly consumes you ~ but the core issue hasn't even been touched, through work.

Best wishes to you!

[momoko]

I think more important than not getting angry is coping with the consequences of that anger. Everyone gets worked up and it's very hard to control your actions when you are in that mind set. But if after you yell at someone or say something mean and realize it take advantage of the fact that you are aware of your mistake and make sure others know you did not mean what you said or feel bad for how you acted.

Doesn't it feel better when after someone makes you feel bad and they come out and apologize or explain why they had acted that way? I don't think most people MEAN to harm the ones the love even if their relationships are complicated.

Openness and honesty about your actions is always helpful to everyone including yourself even if sometimes you feel like you can't control them, take advantage of the times that you are aware and able to.

I don't have many suggestions on how to not become emotional or angry in the first place as I too am dealing with trying to control my actions. It's very difficult but the more you are aware of your problems the easier it is to address them.

[Muser]

So many good thoughts here LabLover23 (I love labs too)

There is a similar dynamic between my daughter and myself. I really don't understand it. Other people like me....but she can make a whole list of negative things she says I make her feel. I don't know what is is I say or do that makes her feel that way but I try not to. All I know is I love her very much and when she's mad at me I just wait until she cools off. Maybe she doesn't meant to make you mad....it just what you're hearing more than what she's saying.

http://www.drlizhale.com/?p=52

Wishing you much success, LabLover

[ECHOES]

It is very hard, because it is scary and it makes us defensive.
So, we react.. instead of responding.
We want to scare back, or hide. It's hard to think clearly in the heat of the moment.

Choosing to respond rather than react is hard too, takes practice, but feels much better.
It would help you if your mom would give you the time you need to decide on your response. Responses require time and room, to think about what is going on and to think about how we want to respond to it. If she would respect your privacy, it might be helpful if you could tell her you need some time alone and you will talk about it after.