[Muser]

I have to admit that I have been lurking a bit lately.....not signing in....just reading posts and feeling alone.

Other people on the site have asked me how to get to know people here and I say "just post and post away and people will get to know you."

So why the lurking?? It's part of the withdrawal thing I do when I'm feeling down. The more alone I feel the more I withdraw...the more I withdraw the more alone I feel.

Why post about it??? To keep from feeling like the water going down the drain....circling the hole until there is no more.

So, is this "emotional" or depression??

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by Muser

I have to admit that I have been lurking a bit lately.....not signing in....just reading posts and feeling alone.

Other people on the site have asked me how to get to know people here and I say "just post and post away and people will get to know you."

So why the lurking?? It's part of the withdrawal thing I do when I'm feeling down. The more alone I feel the more I withdraw...the more I withdraw the more alone I feel.

Why post about it??? To keep from feeling like the water going down the drain....circling the hole until there is no more.

So, is this "emotional" or depression??

good job posting Muser !!! Perhaps it could be both emotional and depression? I do not know, really. I do know that its common for people to isolate or withdraw when they feel depressed. I also know that isolation and withdrawal can make someone ( eg me) feel very depressed). I just commend you on posting what you said. Please know you are not alone in how you feel. I withdraw also. In excruciating pain often. Other times in numbness and dispair.

I force myself to post here even when it feels very unsafe to do so. Again, I do commend you in breaking that cycle and posting as you did.

Mental illness, I think, is at the core of most cases of social isolation—if not as a cause then as a consequence. Older adults who live alone often can have good lives if they have the determination and energy to get out into the world. Many of them are inhibited by hopelessness and fear. Of course, people become isolated because of physical disabilities, because of abandonment by their families, and because the neighborhoods they live in have become homes to different ethnic and cultural groups, often resulting in fear—warranted or not—of going out. But this sort of isolation almost inevitably results in significant psychological distress. ~Michael B. Friedman, Chairman of the Geriatric Mental Health Alliance of New York

Hello, Muser. Most sources I have looked at agree prolonged social isolation is not healthy. As the following excerpts tell us, loneliness is more than being alone:

Loneliness is not the same as being alone. Many people have times when they are alone through circumstances or choice. Being alone can be experienced as positive, pleasurable, and emotionally refreshing if it is under the individual's control. Solitude is the state of being alone and secluded from other people, and often implies having made a conscious choice to be alone. Loneliness can result from unwanted solitude. Loneliness does not require being alone and is experienced even in crowded places. It can be described as the absence of identification, understanding or compassion. Loneliness can be described as a feeling of isolation from other individuals, regardless of whether one is physically isolated from others or not. It may also be described as a yearning for love or companionship, which is unfulfilled, but cannot seemingly be achieved, or may stem from the lack of love in one's life, and hence may lead to emotions such as rejection, despair and low self-esteem. Feelings of loneliness may be similar to feelings of the death or loss of a loved one.

***

Chronic loneliness (as opposed to the normal loneliness everyone feels from time to time), is a serious, life-threatening condition. At least one study has empirically correlated it with an increased risk of cancer, especially for those who hide their loneliness from the outside world. It is associated with increased risk of stroke and cardiovascular disease. People who are socially isolated also report poor sleep quality and thus have diminished restorative processes. Loneliness is also linked with depression, a risk factor for suicide. Émile Durkheim also described loneliness, specifically the inability or unwillingness to live for others (i.e. for friendships or altruistic ideas), as the main reason for what he called "egoistic" suicide. Loneliness can also be connected with having a schizoid character type in which case, frequently one sees the world differently, and experiences alienation from others, described as 'the self in exile', (Klein 1995).

Loneliness can play a part in alcoholism. In children, a lack of social connections is directly linked to several forms of antisocial and self-destructive behavior, most notably hostile and delinquent behavior. In both children and adults, loneliness often has a negative impact on learning and memory. Its effect on sleep patterns, as well as the above-mentioned other effects can have a devastating effect on the ability to function in everyday life.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loneliness

The struggle to maintain a valid perception of self-worth has other challenges, even when there is an opportunity to communicate. "Disconfirm" means: To establish the falsity of a claim or belief; to show or to tend to show that a theory or hypothesis is not valid.

Anthropologists talk about disconfirmation -- what happens when people deny you right to your face. It can hurt far worse than isolation. They might relabel what you're doing in order to disconfirm it. You call it an introspective essay. They say you're whining and it's all adolescent angst. Or you write a cathartic, painful word picture of depression and your friends treat it as the funniest satire, quoting it and laughing.

Yes, that happened to me, and it took place at a school assembly. Worse, it was my two closest friends doing it. They honestly misinterpreted the piece. It hurt so deep they might as well have been family rejecting me, but to the audience, my reactions looked like a crazy person's. To them it was a successful comedy they enjoyed. To me it was humiliating to have my most painful feelings mocked in front of a crowd.

http://hubpages.com/hub/Creativity--...Mental-Illness

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. ~Elie Wiesel

Christina Sponias describes indifference as "a cruel reaction to someone else's pain. If you don't care about other people's suffering, you may even provoke it to them, without understanding what you are doing."

DocJohn speaks of indifference in a relationship here: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...-relationship/

Those who are the objects of apathy, unconcern, detachment, and disinterest truly must struggle mightily to survive unscathed from the ravages of illness.

Loneliness is an aching void in the center of our beings, a deep longing to love and be loved, to be fully known and accepted by at least one other person. It is a hollow, haunting sound sweeping thru our depths, chilling our bones and causing us to shiver.

Is there a person, anywhere, who has never felt the stab of loneliness, who has never experienced the eerie distance of isolation and separation,
who has never suffered the pain of rejection or the loss of love?

The final rupture or breakdown of a valued loving relationship, the sudden death of someone who was close and special, an unavoidable separation from a loved one—these things strike loneliness into our hearts, the intense experience of the absence of that specific person.

Besides longing for a specific person, sometimes loneliness has no name attached. This is the general feeling of being alone, isolated, separated from others.

And there is a third kind of loneliness—existential loneliness—which is even deeper and more pervasive than either of the first two. It often disguises itself as longing for a specific person or pretends to be yearning for contact with anyone, but this deeper lack or emptiness-of-being is not really a kind of loneliness at all.

Being together with other people, even people we intensely love, does not overcome this deep incompleteness of being. This inner default of selfhood has never been solved by relationships, no matter how good and close and warm our relationships might be.

http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/CY-LONE.html

This void is one I have striven to overcome. It is the one that haunts my existence to this day. No matter the effort, too often I am left to understand my thoughts and meet the world alone.

People withdraw and isolate for many reasons. One therapist told me isolating is a form of pity party. Who knows? It seems quite evident, however, that isolation is a symptom of a problem which needs addressing.

[Muser]

Byz.....

There's a lot going on here. It's never simple is it.

Dear Belle just asked me if I'm OK. I've gotten so good at covering things up over the years sometimes I don't even know myself. I know something is going on but I'm hoping it's just a mood. I know at times I feel "left out". It's complicated. Like I'm two left shoes. Odd man (woman) out.

I enjoy watching the sunrise or set....always have my head in the clouds.....I love the view. Today is the first time in a long time I felt no joy in the sunrise. It's been festering. It is a feeling of sadness. That I don't belong. Even when I was married....before the divorce I knew where I belonged. I was in a bad marriage but I was attached. (I don't mean in the married sort of way I mean in the grounded sort)

I'll be OK. I know that...but as a friend can make me laugh and I can feel the tears wheal up at the same time. My mom died when I was 35 and that is the last time I remember anyone looking at me with unconditional love (except my dog) I think even my poor old pup's passing in February has reminded me I don't fit. She was the last bit of my former life. This life I have now is good but at times ...like now.. I don't feel like it's mine.

You wrote: Being together with other people, even people we intensely love, does not overcome this deep incompleteness of being. This is it....where I am today.

Loneliness is an aching void in the center of our beings, a deep longing to love and be loved, to be fully known and accepted by at least one other person.

The notion that I now live in a house that is not my own, with a man I know cares for me but....and there lies the hitch. Why does my life now feel less real than the life I had before? Or did it only start to slip away....that other life....when the depression first started?

My sense of self worth is practically nonexistent...thus: yearning for love or companionship, which is unfulfilled, but cannot seemingly be achieved, or may stem from the lack of love in one's life, and hence may lead to emotions such as rejection, despair and low self-esteem. Feelings of loneliness may be similar to feelings of the death or loss of a loved one. Strangely....I am seldom actually physically alone. I am almost always with someone. I just "feel" disconnected.

I've gotten a few good "kicks in the pants" this year....all part of what life throws at us. The challenge is to "want" to dust our self off again and continue in the pursuit of happiness.

One thing I know....the sun will rise again tomorrow and I pray I feel that joy in seeing it.

To be continued....

You are in my thoughts, Muser. Please continue to let us know how you are doing. May you soon have more meaning in your life.

[Muser]

I wrote this from my other thread but I think it applies her as well.

"My thought this morning was to take on something new....something I would enjoy instead of always being available to those I feel "are too busy for me." I have some vet-tech training. I may see if I can get a part time job at the vet clinic or animal shelter. It might help fill the void I feel from the loss of my companion dog (my fish don't like to hug) and fill my head with something other than my worries. I work full time so this would definitely make me less "on call" for everyone else."

I'm thinking anyway....

Good luck, Muser.

[Belle1979]

Great idea Muser As long as you are doing it just for YOU and not to just be unavailable...
Have you considered getting another dog? not a replacement.. nothing replaces the loss, just someone who will wagg their tail and show unconditional affection?

One other idea (but coming into winter might not work)... become the local dog walker for the neighbouring dogs? You already do the hard yards in the morning on your walks... you could share it with someones beloved pet that doesn't get enough exercise.

[Muser]

Funny....again we are thinking alike. At first I didn't have any desire to get another dog....she was one of a kind. But lately I've caught myself thinking about it a lot. I miss the warm cuddles. I was Looking on-line just this morning for near-by rescue puppies. I mentioned to my guy the other day that I would like to get a "pocket-puppy" and I could even take to work with me every day so as to not be a bother to him (yes, my boss loves me. I have an aquarium at work, too) and my guy said "NO!!!" He thinks we are to old and the dog would outlive us but he forgets that I am much younger than him.

I think it is more that he watched the heartbreak I went through loosing the other. She declined so her last year. It really was pitiful .... she had been such a spirited athletic animal. It was very difficult for all of us.

As you know I have been thinking of letting my own little business go.... It causes more seclusion and confinement. You are right, I need a hobby that is more uplifting.

I think we may be on to something, though.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Muser

Why post about it??? To keep from feeling like the water going down the drain....circling the hole until there is no more.

I don't know how far we can safely stretch this analogy but... when water goes down the hole, it always emerges somewhere else and eventually comes back as rain. I'm guessing that if you were to just let yourself withdraw without struggling to stop it, you'd eventually find yourself wanting to come back too.

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Just don't get stuck in the drain

[ellesom]

It is always recycled. Trouble is, it comes back contaminated, unless treated.

[Muser]

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

I don't know how far we can safely stretch this analogy but... when water goes down the hole, it always emerges somewhere else and eventually comes back as rain. I'm guessing that if you were to just let yourself withdraw without struggling to stop it, you'd eventually find yourself wanting to come back too.

--------------------------------------
Just don't get stuck in the drain

I like the analogy, Fool Zero I like the idea of coming back from the hole ...the struggle... a little different.

I just know that if I keep doing things same way over and over ....the result will be the same. If I do things a little differently I would expect the outcome will be different.

I guess the struggle becomes the lesson....

[Muser]

Originally Posted by ellesom

It is always recycled. Trouble is, it comes back contaminated, unless treated.

Excellent analogy, ellesom