[So It Goes]

(I didn't really know where to put this, so I'm posting it here. Might be triggering.)







It’s been so long and hard of a road I just don’t know how I can do it anymore. I’m so weak. I tried so hard to hold it together. The few people left in my life say I’m the strongest person they know. They say it’s because I never give up, I just get up and do it all over again the next day. I’ve tried to explain that I only do it because I know the alternatives are worse. I’ve been to that place. I’ve seen and done that. It cost me so much I barely managed to keep going. I’m not strong enough anymore. I don’t know how to make them understand. I’ve reached out for help from them and they just respond with “stay strong”.

Staying strong is the problem though. I stuff my emotions constantly. My mother taught me how because that’s all she does, too. I’ve done it all my life. Now I feel like I run through my day with all my feelings grabbing at my feet, trying to trip me, to pull me down. I can’t express how much I hate my life. I am so alone, yet surrounded by people. I plink away at my tasks in the day to day grind only to find that there’s no real relief on the other side of any of it. There is no rest to be had, no solace to be granted. There is only reality, only this. I am unable to escape, because that would mean I would abandon my child in this God-forsaken place. I have no choice but to stay because she can’t leave. Her mother loves making life difficult, punishing me for rejecting her, I guess. Either that or I’m as horrible as she says. I have to remember that despite the anger, rage and utter helplessness I still have love in my heart. I am not yet a monster, though I feel like I am.

I have to remember that is a lie.

I love an idea of life, not life itself. All I’ve ever wanted was stability. I’ve never experienced that, not even as a child. Everything is constantly changing. It’s not even evolution, it is devolution. My life has been in a constant state of entropy for as long as I can remember, with fits and starts of growth only to be dashed by tsunami waves of tragedy and suffering. I wash away with everyone around me, drowning in my own emotions and theirs, unable to get any air. Sometimes when it hits me all at once letting go is so attractive, the only way I can achieve peace. I can only stand it for five minutes at a time. I let go and let myself feel again. The pain is so intense but it feels right for some reason. It feels like death, even though I know it’s not. Why do I equate peace with feeling like I’m dying? I’m not done yet.

Why did all this have to happen the way it did? The most important people in my life, all in crisis, all at the same time. I can’t save any of them. They don’t want to be saved, are committed to their choices, or have no choices at all. I can’t protect anyone, not even my own child. I hate myself so much for that. I try my best to try to counter the damage her mother is doing but there’s only so much that can be done in the time I have with her. I can’t protect my mother, who will die if she keeps working like she is with the health problems she’s got, all for a husband who is worthless. I can’t make a dent in my best friend’s problems, but that is unsurprising. There’s only so much even the doctors can do, they barely understand what the hell is even going on with him. It’s funny they can tell you approximately how long you have left to live but can’t figure out even the most basic functional treatment.

I couldn’t protect my relationship from myself, either. I tried to be strong but I couldn’t, I had to tell one person what was going on with me and to express what I was feeling. I did it all wrong though, like a flood, totally out of control, destroying everything. She couldn’t handle it, I can’t blame her. There was no way she could help me. I miss her. I still love her so much. My life is poison to everyone around me. No matter what I do, the people around me suffer constantly. I have tried everything, exhausted every option. I just want it to stop, if just for a while. I just need time to heal, to be strong again. I’m scared for my health. I’ve lost so much weight. I can’t keep doing this, but I have to keep going.

Does it matter? Does anything truly matter?

Is it my fault? What did I do?

I swear I have tried to be a good man.

[Perna]

Sounds like you're in a lot of pain So It Goes. I would find therapeutic help right away if you could, someone to talk to about all this (which can be very restful) and to learn from that no, we can't do it alone, aren't none of us that strong.

[purple_fins]

I'm s-l-o-w-l-y learning that all we truly have control over is ourself.

it's true-- you can't make your mother's life the way you wish it was for her, you can't make your friends life the way you wish it were and no, you can't even make your daughter's life just the way you want for her.
The best you can do is let them know that they are in your heart- that you care about them. And no matter what lies may go about-- in the end-- if one is truly good-- it will shine through..... it takes VERY much patience though.... doesn't usually happen overnight or even in a year or two.....(it took over 20 years for some of the extremely hurtful, flaming lies about me to dissolve-- we're convinced that some in the family have far worse mental issues than our own)

Can I ask-- what have you done for "so it goes"? are you being a good friend to him? that is something that is all too often overlooked(I overlook "fins" all the time).... but..... as I've been told and am now starting to realize--just how important self care is! Some of us aren't used to "care" at all, except when it comes to protecting others.... growing up, life wasn't about us-- not EVER... so we carried that "torch" into adulthood-- the torch of non-self care.
I'm finding that just even a tiny bit of self care can put one in a better frame of mind-- start a hobby, join a book club, start an exercise plan/program and stick to it, eat healthier-- these can all be self care. I had therapy as my self-care and also reading and now I've added a third one-- learning a new language.

It's such a struggle, I've been there and often go back there....
be as good to YOU as you have been to others.I think you could benefit from such.

take care,
fins

[So It Goes]

Originally Posted by Perna

Sounds like you're in a lot of pain So It Goes. I would find therapeutic help right away if you could, someone to talk to about all this (which can be very restful) and to learn from that no, we can't do it alone, aren't none of us that strong.

I'm trying to find some crisis counseling in my area or a therapist. Money's tight but I don't think I have a choice anymore. I'm not really doing anybody any favors by continuing like this.

[So It Goes]

Originally Posted by purple_fins

I'm s-l-o-w-l-y learning that all we truly have control over is ourself.

it's true-- you can't make your mother's life the way you wish it was for her, you can't make your friends life the way you wish it were and no, you can't even make your daughter's life just the way you want for her.
The best you can do is let them know that they are in your heart- that you care about them. And no matter what lies may go about-- in the end-- if one is truly good-- it will shine through..... it takes VERY much patience though.... doesn't usually happen overnight or even in a year or two.....(it took over 20 years for some of the extremely hurtful, flaming lies about me to dissolve-- we're convinced that some in the family have far worse mental issues than our own)

Can I ask-- what have you done for "so it goes"? are you being a good friend to him? that is something that is all too often overlooked(I overlook "fins" all the time).... but..... as I've been told and am now starting to realize--just how important self care is! Some of us aren't used to "care" at all, except when it comes to protecting others.... growing up, life wasn't about us-- not EVER... so we carried that "torch" into adulthood-- the torch of non-self care.
I'm finding that just even a tiny bit of self care can put one in a better frame of mind-- start a hobby, join a book club, start an exercise plan/program and stick to it, eat healthier-- these can all be self care. I had therapy as my self-care and also reading and now I've added a third one-- learning a new language.

It's such a struggle, I've been there and often go back there....
be as good to YOU as you have been to others.I think you could benefit from such.

take care,
fins

Thanks. I've tried to do some small things for myself but I gave up a lot over the last couple of years to try to focus on the people that needed my help. It turned out horribly. I was just trying to refocus my priorities but I guess I just went about it all wrong. You are right that I was raised in an environment where others needs were more important than my own and I have always approached things from that perspective.

I've been eating better but I lose my appetite all the time. I need to exercise more but I'm so bereft of energy I don't really know how. I need to find something else. I've been reading some self-help books but it doesn't really replace the ability to talk to someone.

[Nola22]

Different lives, different circumstances, yet I can so thoroughly identify with what you've written here, So It Goes. The people in my life to whom I've related my fears and difficulties, even in times of intense crisis, have always expected me to rely on this outer perception of strength they have of me, much to my consternation and detriment. The few times I've been "permitted" to come apart or be vulnerable have been met with astonishment and disgust. I learned my outer strength routine throughout a difficult childhood and adolescence too, and though it has served me well in some situations, I've found in many ways it is not true strength.

Your entropic metaphor for life could not be more apt for my own.

I was really fortunate for a spell in my life to have had a boyfriend to whom I could turn, even with the greatest chaos and unresolved life events, and he would listen. In fact, he was one of the most patient listeners I've ever had the privilege to have known. He had had a rough childhood also, and his capacity for empathy and understanding was exponential, even unexpected in some ways. He loved being a "regular guy" in how he presented himself, following his favorite teams and drinking with his buddies. They all loved him for his friendliness, generosity, and sense of humor, but none of them would have guessed how sensitive and emotional he was. That's where I got to be the lucky one, I suppose. Point is, I know how critical it is to have someone truly listen and not be scared off. I've only had one friend since who has remotely been able to fill that role.

I'm sorry I can't offer you much else other than identification at this stage, as I'm struggling with some of the same quandaries that are plaguing you at present. However, please allow me to say it's NOT your fault. I catch myself asking the same question, almost daily. Believe me, it gets you nowhere.

All the best to you, So It Goes. I hope I can be of more help in the near future.

[purple_fins]

I need to find something else. I've been reading some self-help books but it doesn't really replace the ability to talk to someone.

.... and so there is an answer within yourself-- someone to talk to. I believe that can be good self-care.
I can sure attest to how much of a difference having someone like that can make for one. I hope you can get that someone to hear you and support you.

fins