Empty, angry, unmotivated.. all at once?

Hello all. Today is one i would call 'mild' emotion-wise; i am neither overly anxious or depressed or angry.. but i have this emptiness. A tiny bit of anxiety, but nothing out of control, and i think it has more to do with tomorrow than anything else. I am feeling horribly unmotivated, though, want to curl up and sleep the day away, which is something i cannot do because i need to get things done for tomorrow (my kids are coming and we're having a bday party for the 2 oldest).

I see two problems coming: one is that i told my x he could stay here until the end of the month. HE already has a place to go to, which he's spent several days there but came back a few days ago. And all he does is lay around the stupid couch and sleep and watch movies and that's about it. It DRAINS me. Right now he's curled up in fetal position on the couch and i feel like kicking him. I want to ask him to leave, as i know this is a trigger for me and as the day goes on i will only feel angrier and angrier watching him laze around. (not to mention, it doesn't help MY motivation!) But he says he's 'not feeling well' so i feel bad about asking him to go elsewhere.. ugh.

Two, this 'emptiness' tends to turn to anger for me anyway. I already feel it coming. And the anger leads to .. bad things. I do not hurt others, but myself? yes. And once i get THAT far gone, it takes days to come out of.

I know i'm rambling.. i'm looking for advice i guess on how to get out of this milder version BEFORE it becomes extreme. I have been taught so many coping skills but right now they seem like a whole lot more effort to perform than i have in me. Ideas? Baby steps where to start? HELP!

I'm going to take the liberty of rearranging several things you said. To me they seem to make better sense in this order. I'd like to know how this way of presenting what you said fits your experience (or doesn't):
It sounds to me as if there are some things you want and/or need to do -- set clear boundaries and renegotiate your arrangement with your ex, for instance. You also don't feel ready to do all this, for whatever reason. Just guessing here: you think the confrontation with your ex will trigger you more than letting him stay? (Let sleeping exes lie? ) He knows how to push your buttons so you'll regret saying anything? You'd like to prove you're the good guy here and he's taking advantage of you? Many more guesses available on request, fwiw.

I noticed that in another thread you wrote:If you were to tell your ex that you'd changed your mind, the arrangement wasn't working for you, and he needed to leave sooner than planned, do you expect that he'd call you manipulative and/or selfish? Would you call yourself that? Have enough other people called you that, so that you're taking this opportunity to prove you're not, you're not!, you're not!! even if it kills you?

If, in order to avoid a confrontation with him, you were to come up with some subtler way to make him not feel like staying, might that get someone (him? you? others?) to think of you as "manipulative"?

(Perhaps getting a bit off topic here?) I've long been interested in dialectics and looking for a good example of one. It seems to me that you've just presented me with one so here I am, taking full advantage! If what you're experiencing is...

• "I don't want him staying in my house," but
• "I don't want to ask him to leave."

...then that's a conflict for you or (my preferred term) a dialectic. Whichever side of the dialectic you hold onto, the other side bites you in the butt so (it seems) you lose either way and you have good reason for feeling bad about it. I believe the usual expression is, "Why me?"

For me, in situations like that, the only way out is through. I'd start with one ridiculously small change in the statement of the problem: take out the "but".

"I don't want him staying in my house and I don't want to ask him to leave."

For me, that helps me to stop bouncing back and forth between two triggery alternatives and just be with both of them. Let the (or whatever comes up for you) be there for however long it is and just notice it. For me, as I hang out with both sides of the problem and just let them be there, I may notice them changing. Eventually (sooner, if I'm in practice; later, if this is very new to me) I notice (a.) that I don't feel the same about my two (or more) options and (b.) that I have a choice. At that point I may decide (borrowing your example here) to go ahead and have the talk with my ex because I'd rather get it over with; or else, to let him stay and work around him, not because I have to but because I'm choosing to.

DBT (which we mentioned in that other thread) is called dialectical behavior therapy because it's about teaching clients to deal with dialectics like the above. I believe that the general idea behind it is known in some circles as "mindfulness".

You know what, Fool Zero? I like you.

Well, the clear boundaries were that he had until the 31st, that's IT. I was kind of hopeful, though, because he found a place to go at that time, and even spent several days there, so him coming back and deciding to stay here until that time disappointed me.

As a matter of fact, after i posted this i decided to talk to him. The conversation went something like, 'I am feeling very unmotivated and kind of down and anxious today, and watching you lay around all day triggers me and makes my feelings even stronger; is there any way you could go stay at the other place you were at?' He got very angry and said, 'no! First of all, only have money to get there, but the birthday party is tomorrow and i don't have money to get there if i use my bus fare now. You're just gonna have to suck it up for a few more days.' Luckily for me, someone called right about then and asked him to help him out for a few hours doing some stuff, so while he's still 'staying here', at least it got him out of the house for a bit.

Interesting. The selfish part, kind of, yes. Because it was ME who said the 31st, so to 'take it back' makes me feel guilty. The opportunity to prove i'm not? I'll think about that. Maybe that's underneath it all, though it never occured to me conciously.

Since he has refused to leave, i am not sure what will happen when he comes back from the outing he's on. I feel a bit angry about his resistance, and may just use this opportunity to get his help with some things done around the house so that at least SOMETHING productive is coming out his being here. Is that evil of me?