[Distressed2010]

I have loads of trouble with people being rude. This is everywhere outside my home, such as grocery store, or government offices, etc..

I hate being spoken to with a fast speech in the sense that they're trying to get rid of me. I do have questions, like I wanted to know today how a certain procedure is completed. And their response was "mam, turn your stuff in first!!" and I get irked by that because i need to know how to get things done and how long they take. This wasn't a place where the end was uncertain, it was a place to obtain visas. I simply asked what happens when the visa is approved, do i bring the passport in, do you mail it, etc...

And the lady's response was "mam, turn in your stuff first! forget about what happens!"

I didn't like that. I have to leave town and plan things out so I was trying to obtain as much information as possible. I usually do like to get a clear picture of the whole process, but sometimes people get impatient with that and especially the country I'm in, they don't like being questioned. UGGGH. They think I'm like attacking their power or something, I don't know. Or theyre on a power trip.

At other times, I've been taunted, for example today, I got a visa and was mistaken about the fees. And the I told this to the guy in charge and his response was in a very rude tone:

" why/how did you think that its this much? Did you get an intuition or something?" HOW RUDE.

Can you not just simply say "oh, you must be mistaken, its not this much, its this much"???

These small daily things do get in my way every day and I want them not to. I can't seem to get rid of the anger. Eventhough I do cardio, it still comes back.

Can anyone give me some helpful tips on how to deal with this? Years pass and I think of that "one day" when this xyz person was rude to me, and it all starts coming back. Please help!

Hello, Distressed.

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?cn=116
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...ng-personally/
http://www.more-selfesteem.com/newsletter50.htm
http://www.unitychapelhill.org/talks...Personally.pdf

[Distressed2010]

Thanks for the resources TheByzantine. I will look into them more later. I do tend to take things personally when spoken to rudely but I need to know how I should respond in these situations. If i should stand up for my self, or stay silent, or say something else?

I need to 1. control my anger 2. learn how to respond appropriately?

I keep returning to this...yet I want answers too.I will click your resources....dear Byzantine

[Leed]

When that person asked you if you got an intuition or 'something' I would have said : "Yes, I got the intuition that you are incredibly RUDE."

You don't have to stand there and take that kind of abuse. Throw it back at them. Sure, maybe they are sick of their jobs, and they get complaints all day -- so WHAT?? If they hate their jobs, QUIT -- and find one in which they don't have to be so nasty!!! I don't feel sorry for people like that. There is NEVER an excuse for cruelty or abuse. Perhaps if they are reminded of it, they'll treat the next person with a little more dignity!!

That's how I handle things. All I ask is simple respect. I ask nothing more, but I'll accept nothing less! Hugs, Lee

[Distressed2010]

Thanks leed for the tip! I like it!
Although, I always get tongue twisted and frozen when someone behaves like this with me. Either I respond with something with aggressive speech or I get frozen. I wish I could think on spot when this stuff happens!

Also, I think maybe one of the reasons for me to be frozen is also because here in the country I'm in, they'd probably just mess with your visa if you countered their rude attack, which sucks, because then you have to choose between getting your work done (the more important the worst the people you have to deal with... so many power trips!) and your self respect. You choose your self respect and you can forget about getting your work done. you ignore their attacks and you feel like crap coz you didn't stand up for yourself. two edged sword i guess.

[Distressed2010]

Oh, and not to mention my mom elbowing me if i didn't keep shut. If i say something, she yells at me and says "SAM! stop your'e being rude." UGH. i hate it when she does that, which is like all the time! her way is to just shove the bad stuff under the pillow, whereas I like to confront and deal with it right away.

[madisgram]

i can totally relate to your comments. i used to have pent up rage. today it's better and therapy helped me rid myself of it for the most part. what i've learned is when i feel angry at someone:
1.they are tapping into the thought/trigger-i'm not worthy of their respect.
2. i feel frightened. fear is a primary emotion and anger is a secondary one due to fear.
i tended to have many irrational thoughts. like, "i'm not worthy unless everyone likes me." well now i see how absurd my thought was. nobody can be liked by everyone. another, "if someone doesn't like me or goes out of their way to be inappropriate, it's my fault. they are right and i am wrong and deserve how they are treating me." truth is i can be any person i want to be. i am forging my own destiny. other ppl are not right because they dont even know me. i have learned to love myself first. if i don't, who will? loving oneself is difficult but can be mastered, warts and all. if someone is rude to me all i have to do is think how wrong they are. i can rise above their lack of consideration.i can even speak up for myself like say, "your comments are quite rude." i say nothing more. i do give them direct eye contact when i say it.
when i give the other person the "power" over me it causes depression too. today i choose to try to see a situation without thoughts of inadequacy. just because another person treats me a certain way doesn't mean it's my problem, it's their's.
i even go so far as asking for their superior and filing a complaint.

[Distressed2010]

thanks madisgram, i already sent a letter to the superiors and I felt much better. I've noticed, I feel a lot better when I get to speak out, and thats probably why writing letters and burning them doesn't work for me until I actually hand them over to the person.

The thing is sometimes, I don't get an opportunity to let the other know, or i get frozen, or confused whether they're joking or are truly being rude, or sometimes I feel maybe i should take it coz if i don't then my work won't be done and they'll make things harder for me and frustrate me more, in those cases I get very angry and the anger stays there, almost forever I think.

Also, in times when I do confront the person invalidates the fact that I'm hurt or say i'm making a big deal out of a small thing, that's also a time I never get over it.

sucks, I really want to figure out a way as affective as expressing my anger directly, but I'm yet to be that lucky.