Still overwhelmed

I had a long talk with my son last night and I'm feeling so drained! I'm relieved when he talks to me and gets these things out, but I just don't know what to do after. It makes me feel like a failure and completely helpless.

He told me the only reason he doesn't commit suicide is because he knows it would destroy me. While I'm relieved that he has a reason to stay alive (even if it is just for me) I want him to want to live for himself. He feels so hopeless and I don't have the right words to give him hope.

He said he's worried he could be a sociopath - I was completely stunned - he has such a gentle heart and has never acted out in anger, he has always internalized his feelings and taken them out on himself. He said he either feels so much pain at others suffering that he can't bear it or he feels absolutely no empathy whatsoever and those are the times he thinks he could hurt someone without a second thought.

How do I help him deal with all these emotions without letting him pull me under in the process? I feel selfish, I feel like I should be strong. I don't have the words to help him, even though I try. I don't know how to have him look at the other side of things and try to find hope and a reason. I've tried going through all the cognitive distortions with him and he is just so desperate he can't see things any other way.

Help! We are both drowning here!

is he in therapy? sounds like he would benefit from this professional avenue.

Yes- he is in therapy and participating...it's the rest of the week that I'm at a loss of how to help him. One hour a week doesn't seem to be enough, but he doesn't qualify for any other program I've tried to get him in. His doctor and T are just as frustrated as I am. I was told by one intake coordinator that because of limited resources, he is one of the kids who fall through the cracks

(((((CSC))))
I wish i had a magic solution for you!

Can he be hospitalized? If he's thinking about hurting himself + his other issues it might be a good way to have all of these things addressed, plus if he's out of the house it might make it easier for you for a few days.

Sometimes depression is a very selfish disease - his lack of empathy for others may only be because of the pain he has for himself, not because he is a sociopath.

Just an idea - i hope it gets better soon.

Your son is very lucky to have you. Keep helping him any way you can. Stay strong.

They won't admit him because he is considered passively suicidal and not a danger to himself or others. I don't believe he even has the potential to be a sociopath - I think he doesn't know how to explain his feelings. I think the "numbness" scares him and makes his mind conjure up all these worst case scenario types of things.

I just feel so helpless

Thank you everyone for your comments!

Hi,
From the sound of things it sounds to me like you are a mother to a bipolar son (right?) Most of the time when I am having an episode I realize that the only thing keeping me alive is my daughter and although it seems 100% true, we with bipolar, our emotions deceive us and I'm not sure if that is true of your son or he just really believes it because that's what his emotions are telling him. (His emotions, I think, are just basically lying to him sometimes, remember). If he's told you he lives for you, be happy. He loves you that much and it is giving him a reason to continue (and does the reason really matter as long as he keeps at it? You are his light when it's so dark he cannot see, be grateful of your strong connection).
As for the sociopath bit, from my experience, sometimes, in my bipolar, I flash to angry so fast and I don't care who gets in my way, who I hurt. Although during I do not, afterwards I am a wreck and feel such guilt. The sociopathy he feels is probably during his angry times, as if he truly has a gentle heart he could never be a sociopath, trust me. I really believe us bipolars are so, so, empathetic that sometimes we shut down as a coping or survival method (I personally have never been able to do this, but I don't doubt your son has or can).
I don't know how you can help him without getting pulled in, I struggle with that with my friends and family too. But I do know that I often do not say anything out of fear of pulling them down a lot. Maybe you could ask him to share his day or feelings/emotions after he has gone through an episode and is calmer so that it doesn't overwhelm you too much.
Hold on! He may not see things now, but with bipolar our emotions are always changing so hang in there and pray for him and things will look up, bipolar really is a cycle....

He is not bipolar (although, that has been considered) He is severely depressed and suffers from social anxiety. He does go through a lot of up and down moods. Last night I printed off the classic symptoms of a sociopath for him and went through them one by one. For each symptom, I asked, does this sound like you? And if he said yes I had him give me an example of how it would apply to him. I think that got through to him. He goes back and forth between extreme pain for the entire world's suffering and complete numbness. The numbness is what scares him and led him down this train of thought. He told me last night his primary concerns are lack of empathy (when he feels numb) and being a parasite. We talked about the difference between feeling nothing and wanting to hurt someone - I think he understands that. We talked about being a parasite (he is 16) and how it is a parents job to provide for their children. I told him he is not a parasite or a burden.

I think we made some progress, or at least I hope so. He is still really sad, trying to get him in for an extra T session this week. He is breaking my heart.

Thank you for your kind words and support!

you are walking along side with your son every day... you're his guide and you really do an amazing job in constantly reaching out to him to find what lies in his heart and mind. step by step...

((((((((((( CSC & son ))))))))))))

CSC,

I remember being told....

that I was a person "with psychopathic antisocial behavioural issues" and labelled a "borderline sociopath" many years ago........I remember the confusion and the rage and the stigma......

Wolfie is still around but we are better friends now I forgave, as your son will too.......first, he must forgive himself.

I don't know if those professionals all those years ago were right, but right or wrong matters little.......it only matters what I think of myself.

Hang in there CSC.......your son will find his way home, home where the heart is.......but first he must accept himself WITHOUT labels.......and embrace the Dark.....for the Light cannot exist without the Dark and vice versa.

Very difficult, very dangerous.....but it can be done......and I KNOW that he can do it.

Hang in there and look within for the answers......take very good care of self in the process......and no guilt

All is as it should be and everything in its place.

Michah

(((CSC))) I know you are doing the very best you can for you and your son. Does his T think that he is suicidal and a danger to himself or others or that he needs to be hospitalized to get stable? Sometimes if the T is the one that calls and says their patient needs to be admitted the hospital responds better than you taking him in yourself.

I am sorry that he does not qualify for any other programs. I am sure you have looked into day treatments and other possiblities. From what you have described it sounds to me like he could have some BPD-traits.

You and your son are in my thoughts.

He is so lucky to have a mom like you.

(((((((((((((Can't Stop Crying)))))))))))))

From the descriptions you've given, I don't think he is anything like a "sociopath." Feeling numb, withdrawn, and disconnected from people is common in depression. Maybe you can encourage him to discuss this at his next T appointment?

In the meantime, you are doing the best thing you can for him by listening to him. Since he's going to you, he still wants help. He wants to get better and he wants to connect with you. You are doing a great job.

It must hurt to hear your son say that he thinks about dying and suicide so often. He's so young, and it's awful that he has to go through this. You do need to take care of yourself, too. You can't provide 24/7 intensive mom-therapy!

How often and for how long does he talk to you about it? Is it possible to let him know that you're there for him but also limit the time you actively talk about it? If you check in with him more frequently is he less desperate when you talk? I don't know if any of this is helpful. Does your T have suggestions for you about self care?

I'm sorry, CSC. I wish you and your son the best.

He is considered "passively" suicidal...he wishes he was dead, he thinks about being dead, but has no plans or intent. The passive part is what disqualifies him from everything I've tried. His doctor and therapist are just as frustrated as I am. Too many kids need help and there are not enough beds so they are reserved for the most severe cases. This has been going on for more than a year, you'd think the duration alone would put him into a different category on the "needs help" scale. It is really burning me out. But I will keep going, because he is my son and I will never give up on him.

He is also homebound from his severe social anxiety, so the majority of the time it's him and me. I try to practice good self care, sometimes there are not enough hours in the day. I don't know how I will manage when I go back to work. My leave is almost up and I am out of extensions. The thought of working all night and managing his schoolwork and supporting him all day is too much to think about right now. And I have to fit in time for my eleven year old. There is simply not enough of me to go around!

Just thinking good thoughts for you while you work through this. I hate the constant overwhelming. I hope it goes away or lessens a little.