An apology to PC and to the world

Woke up in a panic. I was already an hour late to work and my power was off. Had severe thunderstorms in the area which knocked out power, so my alarm clock never went off. I immediately called the office to let them know I was late. Got ready and got a call on my way out the door. A so-called "major" issue with an error message on a web site I'm working on was holding up a client presentation. It was something that could be avoided when presenting (this was only an internal presentation, not open to the public) and talked through. Instead of taking this stance with the client, my coworkers decided to call the owner of our company before they even called me. They told him I was staying home, which was not true. They told him the issue was major, which also was not true. His power was knocked out since I only live a couple of miles from him. When he got into the office, he was surprised I was there and said he thought I was at home. This was the first I heard of him even being contacted about this.

I am livid. I fixed the issue about 30 minutes ago. Granted, it was not in time for the client's presentation, but this issue was very minor and could be easily avoided for the sake of presentation. I don't even understand the point of getting our owner involved other than to throw me "under the bus." He has zero technical expertise or programming experience and could literally add nothing to the resolution of this issue.

I have been putting in extra time left and right for this project, yet when I am late due to circumstances beyond my control it's treated like I'm unreliable. No wonder I feel like I do. I need to find a way out.

I wish you could...I'm thinking you feel stuck with that job?Brain injury won't allow me to recall your views/facts surrounding the thought of leaving there? Stoopid!@% Frick-Frackin*&@!! $%<&@* Peepol....DumbJust supporting your frustrations.

Hey, can relate as well. I hope you stick around, because even though you are in a lot of pain, you are worth it. I don't think the pain you are in is because of something awful you did....we have all made mistakes, its a part of being human...but maybe the pain you are in now is from some abuse that you've survived...we're here for you, that's what PC is here for. It is here for people like you who need to post when they are feeling very down and confused. I hope you give it one more chance.

How's today playing out?

Swamped at work, sore and bleary-eyed from lack of sleep. The issue I was working on yesterday was never a problem at all, but then the client came back with five pages worth of changes I have to complete by Friday. This project was supposed to launch two weeks ago.

I am intensely angry. Work and the issues with my daughter have me on a short fuse. I'm keeping my head down and doing my best to get through.

Thanks for asking.

Could it be that your co-workers are seeing you, rightly or wrongly, as some kind of threat to them? For instance, if you were obviously working harder and putting in more time than they were, they might be concerned that you were making them look bad by comparison, and/or setting a standard that they'd soon be expected to live up to.

From the way they reacted this time -- "throwing you under the bus," as it were -- it sounds as if the organization might have been a little on the dysfunctional side to begin with. If only one or two of your co-workers had found themselves unmotivated, just plodding along, putting in their time and trying to do the minimum that was expected of them, they'd probably want to keep a low profile lest the rest of the group turn on them and demand more. If almost everyone there was feeling unmotivated, though, I can see how they might want to turn on someone who seemed to be rocking the boat.

I hate finding myself in a position where I've promised more than I can deliver. It seems even more unfair if I've correctly assessed what I could reasonably be expected to provide and then several unreasonable things get in my way and throw me off stride. I used to get into situations like that a lot; I thought I needed to keep practicing and practicing until I got good at handling them. I found, instead, that I prefer to avoid them almost completely. On rare occasions I may still pull an all-nighter (or the equivalent) when it's necessary to making something happen on time, but I never promise up front that I'll make it happen even if I have to pull an all-nighter.

To be honest, I have no clue how my coworkers see me in reality. Some days I am treated with kindness and respect, then on others I am treated as unreliable, usually in some sort of knee-jerk response. I don't believe anyone here acts with malice, but they do act in ignorance quite often. I don't really see how they can perceive me as a threat, as my position is unique and very well established as part of the leadership. I have been here longer than most of the staff.

Additionally, the only other person here with technical expertise left a week ago. The rest of the staff were keenly aware of the hours I would have to work for this project. The amount of work has been driven by the client, not by me; they are aware of that as well.

There is one person here in particular that exhibits the hallmarks of "all or nothing" thinking. This person was the one that likely contacted the owner. They often declare a project is not worthwhile because of tiny flaws or small problems and get very angry and jealous over time off, even after long periods of working extra hours. It's not that they lack understanding for the amount of time I put in, but it seems they don't think about things from my perspective. Unfortunately this person is at the same level of senority as I am, so there is no clear hierarchy in order to settle these issues.

The frustrating part about yesterday was we had just met with the owner the week prior to talk about the communication problems we had experienced and had come to the conclusion that rash reactions were hurting our performance. In my view, the events of yesterday were yet another example of this problem.

Trying to tell my internal dialogue to shut up today, it's doing more harm than good. Apparently, cleaning out another office is more important than the projects I'm already shorthanded on at work. The pressure today is intense. I want to scream at everyone here for their petty, stupid misconceptions and unproductive priorities. But I won't, I'll just keep my head down and do my job.

Any chance that the owner is already aware of the situation and is making some allowances for what the "all or nothing" person tells them?

I once posted a little about internal dialogues and such here, but who really addresses that stuff is Steven Hayes (the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, ACT, guy) in books like Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life.

Yes, I have expressed concerns about this person privately to him, in a nonjudgmental way. He understands, but is the type to often question repeated issues whether the source is reliable or not. I doubt my job is in jeopardy, though I know his opinion of me has suffered due to a lack of true understanding of the position I've been put in during other tough times. We have cleared up these misunderstandings, but I fear the knee-jerk statements from this other person may have damaged that progress.

Thank you for the link, I will check it out.

To add more context to my feelings and the place I'm in, I've added details to my biography and links to writing I've done here.

I've started a blog. I'll be putting the daily updates there.