[DespondentDaisy]

Death is on my mind.
I thought this was important to post, not holding it inside any longer.
I need to get my things in order.
I can’t not leave anything behind,
I have to show the world the artist I am, have been, before I pass.
Well, if I hold on to my relationship, it just might save my life.
I feel guilt for thinking these thoughts, my boyfriend has no idea.
And for the most part, I am fine,
But I just feel such a deficiency.
I look back on my life,
I’ve always been sort of a loner.
Not quite fitting in.
I’ve gotten by on keeping people at a distance,
keeping up this mystique around me.
I think there’s something ‘off’ about me that I can’t quite pinpoint.
I don’t know if my perception of reality is askew,
Or if I am on the minimal level of the autism spectrum.
All I know is that I feel like my life is coming to an end.
I feel bad for leaving my loved ones behind,
They wouldn’t understand the way I feel, even if I tried to explain.
All I know is that as their lives progress, I can’t go on with them.
The longer I know people,
The more I disconnect
I’m such a failure.
I have told myself time and again I can succeed at anything,
Which I can,
Yet the social failures seem to have become too much.
I don’t know if they’re real or just perceived on my part,
But it all hurts me to such a degree that I’d rather either kill myself or leave this life behind to live a life of a nomad.
Leaving my mark on people, for better or for worse, before moving on to the next town.
When I was young, even before I was old enough to drive,
I always fantasized about life on the open road.
Traveling the highways of the country,
Never staying in one place for longer than a few weeks, if not a few days.
Maybe I’m autistic schizoid, I don’t know.
I’ve had such a passion for life,
I’ve been able to ignore these thoughts and feelings (suicidal ideations),
But it seems my zest for life is waning.
I don’t think I can be the sister in law or the aunt to be I need to be.
I know people say they care,
But sometimes I can’t help but doubt everything,
Actions speak louder than words,
And I often doubt everyone around me.
Is that the definition of losing touch with reality?
I don’t know.
I really don’t want to go to work today.
Instead of cutting myself, something I haven’t done in 8 years or so now,
I’ve been thinking of getting extra piercings done on my ears, and possibly my eyebrow.
I used to have a nose ring and an industrial piercing in my ear over 6 years ago. They didn’t heal correctly and I had to remove them.
So many things I haven’t done with my life. I’m not yet 30 (a couple years away now),
I know I have a lot to live for,
But is it so wrong to not want to live?
I know I’m not going to want to have children,
Even though I know my boyfriend really wants them, and my family expects it.
I know I don’t want to get married,
I just want to live as a hermit somewhere,
Anonymously publishing writings under another name.
That’d be cool.
The world is too much for me,
Or perhaps I’m mildly retarded, who knows.
I’ve gone to the doctor,
No known illnesses, even though I swear I have a weak heart.
Whenever I’ve spoken to a psychiatrist about possible disorders(I’m thinking bipolar or mild schizophrenia) they always say I’m fine, and I’m currently on anti-anxiety /ant-depression meds. Which, by the way, I don’t think is helping as much as I’d like them too. Of course, I average about one to two days a week where I forget to take them until I’m falling asleep in bed. Then I remember but am too tired/half-asleep and wait till morning to take them.

Well, I think I feel better for writing this,
But now I’m tired,
I need some coffee now.
Bye for now. J

[lynn P.]

Thank you for sharing how you feel here and I'm sorry for all your struggles. All I know for certain is, death isn't the solution and it leaves tremendous pain in it's wake. You can read my bio if you like - I don't want to dwell on my own sorrow here.

Have you ever thought of joining an overseas help organization for a year- it would give you that nomadic experience, make you feel useful to humanity and break up the routine of life.

Where I live they have an event called 'Art In The Park' - would be great if you could set up a stand to share your artwork. Please reach out to a professional and tell about these feelings and never make rash decisions. Here's a compassionate website:

www.metanoia.org/suicide/

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by DespondentDaisy

Death is on my mind.
I thought this was important to post, not holding it inside any longer.
I need to get my things in order.
I can’t not leave anything behind,
I have to show the world the artist I am, have been, before I pass.
Well, if I hold on to my relationship, it just might save my life.
I feel guilt for thinking these thoughts, my boyfriend has no idea.
And for the most part, I am fine,
But I just feel such a deficiency.
I look back on my life,
I’ve always been sort of a loner.
Not quite fitting in.
I’ve gotten by on keeping people at a distance,
keeping up this mystique around me.
I think there’s something ‘off’ about me that I can’t quite pinpoint.
I don’t know if my perception of reality is askew,
Or if I am on the minimal level of the autism spectrum.
All I know is that I feel like my life is coming to an end.
I feel bad for leaving my loved ones behind,
They wouldn’t understand the way I feel, even if I tried to explain.
All I know is that as their lives progress, I can’t go on with them.
The longer I know people,
The more I disconnect
I’m such a failure.
I have told myself time and again I can succeed at anything,
Which I can,
Yet the social failures seem to have become too much.
I don’t know if they’re real or just perceived on my part,
But it all hurts me to such a degree that I’d rather either kill myself or leave this life behind to live a life of a nomad.
Leaving my mark on people, for better or for worse, before moving on to the next town.
When I was young, even before I was old enough to drive,
I always fantasized about life on the open road.
Traveling the highways of the country,
Never staying in one place for longer than a few weeks, if not a few days.
Maybe I’m autistic schizoid, I don’t know.
I’ve had such a passion for life,
I’ve been able to ignore these thoughts and feelings (suicidal ideations),
But it seems my zest for life is waning.
I don’t think I can be the sister in law or the aunt to be I need to be.
I know people say they care,
But sometimes I can’t help but doubt everything,
Actions speak louder than words,
And I often doubt everyone around me.
Is that the definition of losing touch with reality?
I don’t know.
I really don’t want to go to work today.
Instead of cutting myself, something I haven’t done in 8 years or so now,
I’ve been thinking of getting extra piercings done on my ears, and possibly my eyebrow.
I used to have a nose ring and an industrial piercing in my ear over 6 years ago. They didn’t heal correctly and I had to remove them.
So many things I haven’t done with my life. I’m not yet 30 (a couple years away now),
I know I have a lot to live for,
But is it so wrong to not want to live?
I know I’m not going to want to have children,
Even though I know my boyfriend really wants them, and my family expects it.
I know I don’t want to get married,
I just want to live as a hermit somewhere,
Anonymously publishing writings under another name.
That’d be cool.
The world is too much for me,
Or perhaps I’m mildly retarded, who knows.
I’ve gone to the doctor,
No known illnesses, even though I swear I have a weak heart.
Whenever I’ve spoken to a psychiatrist about possible disorders(I’m thinking bipolar or mild schizophrenia) they always say I’m fine, and I’m currently on anti-anxiety /ant-depression meds. Which, by the way, I don’t think is helping as much as I’d like them too. Of course, I average about one to two days a week where I forget to take them until I’m falling asleep in bed. Then I remember but am too tired/half-asleep and wait till morning to take them.

Well, I think I feel better for writing this,
But now I’m tired,
I need some coffee now.
Bye for now. J

Hi Despondantdaisey,

You know? I have felt this way too sometimes. I think that is a part of being human. Life can be a challenge and we never seem to get it just right now do we? I don't think it is you, that voice that is tired and confused, as a matter of fact, when I read a lot of posts here, well some of the people here are saying pretty much the same.

If you love life, I mean the road of it, the nature of it, the trees and different towns with different buildings and nice old buildings that speak of different times. Wow, isnt that what is calling you? Maybe you want to walk up a historical mountain or put your feet in that pretty stream that lays in another place somewhere away from where you are. Why don't you pack a bag and go for long trip and see where you end up? Instead of packing it in, pack it to go out and see. Maybe that is what your inner voice is really saying.

Not everyone is cut out to be married and be an aunt or play the family game. Some people are born to be adventurers, if we didn't have them,
well, maybe we would all be in Europe or Africa, or somewhere else.

Maybe your just tired of giving in to boredom and not letting yourself have your hidden desire. No, I wouldn't pack it in my dear, I would give it a go and go and see what that little voice is trying to say.

You know, a lot of people struggle because they fight themselves and their inner self that has a purpose or goal. We have to consider that there are genetics that make up those people who want to explore and see and learn about here and there and whats over there.

Why do we have to fit anywhere? I don't think that people just fit somewhere do you? Maybe we fit somewhere else and we fight it. Maybe everyone tells us in different ways. Maybe that nagging boss is pushing because inside he knows that you should be over him or that you don't even belong there.

Some people work for themselves because they like to be independant and they can do it. Other people like to work with others because they like to follow the concepts and ideas of others.

Keep in mind a quote: ~The good shall be lonely~ by Mark Twain.

What does that mean to you? See how you may not fit for a reason, it may not be you, it's just that you like to have your own space? They say two wrongs do not make a right. That must be a quote that means that someone realized that it had meaning and everyone accepts it as they see it is true.

Maybe your just tired and need to work on you and that inner voice.

Try that first, see how that works, don't pack it in, you may be missing something, you may be missing you.

Open Eyes

[DespondentDaisy]

I'm feeling a bit better now. I think I know what the underlying cause was for the increased suicidal ideation. I have it mildly from time to time, though I've noticed that the few occasions I smoke weed, the after effect (aka, withdrawal), tends to do that too me. I could say it interacts with my meds, but I think even before I got on my medication that would happen. I have decreased my use(of weed) mostly, and now I think seeing as it happens more often than not afterward I think I'll have to give it up for good. Nothing's worth doing if it makes you more vulnerable to those sorts of thoughts and feelings. Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know I'm doing better than this morning.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by DespondentDaisy

I'm feeling a bit better now. I think I know what the underlying cause was for the increased suicidal ideation. I have it mildly from time to time, though I've noticed that the few occasions I smoke weed, the after effect (aka, withdrawal), tends to do that too me. I could say it interacts with my meds, but I think even before I got on my medication that would happen. I have decreased my use(of weed) mostly, and now I think seeing as it happens more often than not afterward I think I'll have to give it up for good. Nothing's worth doing if it makes you more vulnerable to those sorts of thoughts and feelings. Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know I'm doing better than this morning.

Good Daisy,

Notice I only used the latter part of your name. Very good thinking for you. It is always good to stop and think about your life patterns and what you are eating, using for drugs, and what may be causing you to feel poorly. Glad that you feel better.
Don't forget about your inner voice though.
Open Eyes

[DespondentDaisy]

I'm still getting the piercing done though, I've been thinking about that for a while.

[DespondentDaisy]

I feel I need to make it clear that it's not neccesarily BECAUSE of the smoking that I felt that way, I just noticed that more times than not, the day after the intermittent times that I do smoke, I tend to have more negative thoughts and feelings. Though everything I wrote in my original post is all thing that I do think of from time to time, but to a lesser degree usually.