[shezbut]

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I am tired. Emotionally and physically. I find myself wandering around, wishing for escape. Fantasizing about jumping into the Mississippi river and/or standing on the train tracks at the last moment. I wish that I could end it. I seriously do!

I know that my girls have put up with enough misery from me. They don't need to suffer anymore. Yet, it seems cruel to have to live a life of misery, to make others less unhappy. I take my meds. I go to therapy regularly. I visit an elderly lady, who lives alone & needs help, every week. I care for my boyfriend. I see my daughters regularly too.

What am I doing wrong? Why are these temptations coming back into my life now? I did talk to my T about these thoughts today ~ and I promised not to act upon them. But I won't see him for another 2 weeks. ughhh... That's such a long time to be feeling like this. I need some happiness.

[Don't touch me]

For one thing, see about changing your T appointments to every week. Mine just had to go back to that. For another thing, maybe you should tell a psychiatrist about these feelings. Sometimes meds stop working and they have to increase or change. I had to add on other meds because mine didn't help my suicidal behavior. Stay strong.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by shezbut

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I am tired. Emotionally and physically. I find myself wandering around, wishing for escape. Fantasizing about jumping into the Mississippi river and/or standing on the train tracks at the last moment. I wish that I could end it. I seriously do!

I know that my girls have put up with enough misery from me. They don't need to suffer anymore. Yet, it seems cruel to have to live a life of misery, to make others less unhappy. I take my meds. I go to therapy regularly. I visit an elderly lady, who lives alone & needs help, every week. I care for my boyfriend. I see my daughters regularly too.

What am I doing wrong? Why are these temptations coming back into my life now? I did talk to my T about these thoughts today ~ and I promised not to act upon them. But I won't see him for another 2 weeks. ughhh... That's such a long time to be feeling like this. I need some happiness.

((((((oh Shezbut))))))))

I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time. What does your therapist tell you when you talk about this? You are obviously a kind caring person, it sounds like you are giving to people around you.

What is oppressing you, you are not allowing yourself to enjoy who you are, "A GOOD PERSON" somewhere someone has hurt you in your past, tell me what is back there that makes you feel like you are worthless.

I know that you have to get by without your therapist so why don't you PM me and let me see if I can help you over the hump, ok?

Please dont feel like you are bothing me, I never feel bothered by a person who is good. You don't have to feel like you are imposing at all when you visit me. I will listen, it helps me too you know.

Open Eyes

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Don't touch me

For one thing, see about changing your T appointments to every week. Mine just had to go back to that. For another thing, maybe you should tell a psychiatrist about these feelings. Sometimes meds stop working and they have to increase or change. I had to add on other meds because mine didn't help my suicidal behavior. Stay strong.

Yeah, I just might need to go back to seeing the T weekly. I used to do that regularly, until the 1st of the year, when medical assistance went through a big thing wanting me to be done with therapy completely. My T is worried about that happening, therefore, wants to stick with bi-weekly appointments, to prevent the mess from coming up again.

I do see my psychiatrist tomarrow (as a matter of fact). Being "all or nothing" in my perspective, I vowed that I would not return to the hospital again. I know that my body is very resistant to medications, which creates another list of problems for me.

It probably sounds as though I am just coming up with baloney excuses ~ to avoid treatment. But, I'm not. Really! I'm one of those "complicated cases" in almost every way. In all of my illnesses and treatments (over the years), I've found myself to be in that small percentage who has required surgeries, had dangerous reactions to med's, and other med's have had placebo effect on me (despite high dosages). I don't know WHY that is. That's just the way that it is for me ~ and it drives me crazy sometimes!

Obviously, this is one of those times. Why can't I be one of those freakin simple cases to treat? M_a_n....I am just so tired of fighting medical illness and mental illness.

My symptoms of traumatic brain injury have, of course, been exaggerated by all of this stuff ~ which causes even more stress for me! My brain cannot physically take all of it. That is simply a sad fact of my life. So, I have to keep pushing myself harder and harder to just make it through a "normal" day. I'm tired! I don't want to do it anymore. I hate this ongoing feeling of exhaustion, stress, stupidity, etc. Aaaaargh!

Sorry for my download there. But, thanks for listening.

((((Shez)))) You are such a precious person.I understand 'tired'.It just gets old due to the pervasiveness.I relate to the whole post.Hugs.Don't give up on you sweety.Try to do small things for your self.I wish I knew better what to say.But,I feel the way you do.Hugs Shez.

[SoupDragon]

I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time right now - Thinking of you.

[jack123]

I understand how you feel. Just take it hour by hour until you can get through it. Keep the faith.