[Can't Stop Crying]

What do you do when you feel like you are being ignored, invalidated or dismissed?

Put it back on the other person and consider it their problem? Scream (not literally) a little louder so you can be heard? walk away licking your wounds?

Any thoughts?

[JeanneDoe]

I have fought with people for years who have ignored or dismissed me, I am beginning to think that perhaps I am taking the wrong approach. Sometimes I think I expect people to be a certain way, that they should listen or validate my feelings. They should give me attention when I want it and how I want it if they lived me why wouldn't they?
Then I remember that there have been time when I could not give or do things for others that they wanted or needed. I could not be or do what they thought I should. It was not because of them but it was because of me.
It's hard to know what's going on in someone elses life, perhaps they just don't have what it takes to give what we want. Perhaps they don't know how.

I think we all look at the world/situations differently sometimes people may not always understand us, but maybe we can try to understand them?

[turquoisesea]

I think it really depends on the situation (((((CSC)))))
and also how well you can put their views into perspective. Just because someone else says something does not mean it is truth - remember this.

[Leed]

I have felt like that in situations for years. It seemed that I was TRULY invisible!!!

So i began to think ~ what kind of situations was I in, when I felt invisible? Was I around CLOSE friends, or were they acquaintances? Did I REALLY want to be there, or did I go as a favor to someone or did I go because I felt obligated due to family ties, etc?

Most of the time when I felt invisible, ignored, and dismissed, I was in a situation where I didn't want to be there in the first place -- where I wasn't with CLOSE friends, and where I wanted to get out of there more than anything else. LOL So I decided I would NOT put myself in those situations any longer. And i haven't. I can make myself very miserable all by myself, without going to some gathering where people are going to dismiss me besides!!!

It's up to me to keep myself safe from these kinds of situations. If it's absolutely IMPOSSIBLE -- then I'll have to just suffer for a little while, because it's not worth causing a scene. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[Can't Stop Crying]

My biggest fear is going back to work in a couple of days after a four month leave to a harsh, demanding, critical, abusive boss. I don't feel completely emotionally stable quite yet and he knows how to zoom in on my weaknesses...like shoot down my opinion in front of peers, walk away while I'm in the middle of a conversation with him that he started, belittle me in front of a group, give out recognition on group projects where I was the lead and not even mentioning my name....the list goes on and on, those are the minimal issues. I thought if I started with the small ones, I would build up the courage to face the bigger ones...

[OrangeMoira]

Your boss sounds just awful! I wish you didn't have to deal with him. You're brave to go back to work and face him.

Those feelings are some of my worst triggers. I get really mad--crying mad, which is embarrassing.

Affirmations work for me. Turquoisesea's advice would be a good one: "I don't have to accept what other people say as the truth." One that helps me is "I do not need approval or attention to be okay." I have a list I use in a crisis.

When I worked in customer service, I also made tally marks of things that really bothered me. It helped me see the bad times as separate incidents/behaviors that I could learn to work around. Before, I felt like it was bad all the time; that was overwhelming. Maybe you could do that with your boss's behavior.

[SoupDragon]

Your boss sounds like a bully - does your workplace have poliices / procedures to deal with people like him?

[Can't Stop Crying]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Your boss sounds like a bully - does your workplace have poliices / procedures to deal with people like him?

I've already gone above his head on more than one occasion (my co-workers have also) with very negative results. The message is ...there's the door, if you don't want this job, there are at least 10 people out there willing to take it.

About every 3-6 months we see another round of layoffs, so unfortunately, it's best to just keep my mouth shut and deal with it.

It doesn't make it any easier though!

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Even if we are in a situation where we absolutely cannot do anything about it, what happens to us and what ppl say to us is NOT what and who we are.

I have to tell myself this over and over and over again.

And I share the hurt feelings and the feelings of being invalidated.

ty,

Billi

[love2drum]

I like what Orange Moira says, make a notch for each incidence - maybe that would help to isolate those and give them more perspective.....and ....that they are over with for the time being (celebrate!) LOL Live in the moment. ?

[love2drum]

you are brave, and very courageous.....don't forget that

[Sameer1000]

i ignore them back...
i dont want to talk to them if they aren't going to start the next conversation that we might have, and when the day comes that they realize how much i've helped them they'll be sorry

[Can't Stop Crying]

Trying very hard to cope, not going well

[HalfSwede]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

walk away while I'm in the middle of a conversation with him that he started

The HR guy at one of my old jobs used to do that all the time. I finally found other people at work who also complained about it. There wasn't much I could do either. It truly is meant simply to make you feel small. The problem is that it works. I'm not sure how to neutralize it completely, but laughing about it with coworkers helped reduce its effects. I found that with most of the bullies at that company, no one liked them. I hope you can find some supportive people at work, CSC.

[Caretaker Leo]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

My biggest fear is going back to work in a couple of days after a four month leave to a harsh, demanding, critical, abusive boss. I don't feel completely emotionally stable quite yet and he knows how to zoom in on my weaknesses...like shoot down my opinion in front of peers, walk away while I'm in the middle of a conversation with him that he started, belittle me in front of a group, give out recognition on group projects where I was the lead and not even mentioning my name....the list goes on and on, those are the minimal issues. I thought if I started with the small ones, I would build up the courage to face the bigger ones...

I have walked in your shoes. And also found out that going above my boss or to HR doesn't work. I tried a few times but felt even more frustrated.

So I am learning to employ some positive coping skills now. Sometimes I just listen rather than respond when he starts a conversation. If the boss cheers on someone else (even though I did the majority of the work), I join in and congratulate them too. I also have a sore tongue from biting it and not offering my opinion - and that isn't easy for me!

It has taken some months, but it is starting to work. And those above my boss are recognizing that I provide value to the company.

I wish you well. Try not to give up and try to stay focused on the good you are providing.

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

... a harsh, demanding, critical, abusive boss....like shoot down my opinion in front of peers, walk away while I'm in the middle of a conversation with him that he started, belittle me in front of a group, give out recognition on group projects where I was the lead and not even mentioning my name....the list goes on and on...

Are you working in my old job? ... and taking solo personal credit for everyone else's work (he did virtually none). One time was particularly amusing. Scene: employee meeting, micro-company. The other workers mentioned how they were thrilled with one of the changes I'd made, creating faster turn around time and better teamwork. His next sentence? "How can we fix that?" Everyone's eyeballs fell out. You mean, it's working great, how can we make it not work?! Lol, how can you not laugh at that kind of stupidity?

Observation? people who treat others like that are compensating for their own inadequacies. To little avail. It's pretty transparent. He treated everyone like this, actually making it easier not to take personally (though I have a huge problem with that in general). So I made a point of detaching and observing this behavior as some kind of human behavioral experiment. Made it almost amusing.

Originally Posted by HalfSwede

... It truly is meant simply to make you feel small. The problem is that it works. I'm not sure how to neutralize it completely, but laughing about it with coworkers helped reduce its effects...

Yes. Like above, by treating people like this they think it makes them look like a bigshot. (Why on earth do people think that tearing others down will build themselves up?! The eternal question.) Swapping stories, smirks and eyerolls helped share the burden. Another trick I employed? To never ever ask a question of him when I could ask anyone else (who were more skilled anyway). This helped to minimize insulting interaction. (Because otherwise, given a simple direct question, he'd start in as if you didn't know the alphabet, never actually answering it. Or giving an answer designed to set you up for failure.) Or asking preference on two options, would say either is fine. But when you actually did it, it was wrong. Whichever option you'd chosen. Control freak clue #1.

Yes, I did eventually get "fired". In the indirect form of not getting any hours (passive aggressive much?). (It probably didn't help that I had "stolen" one of our biggest artists, when she discoverd working with me produced excellent turn around times. He'd always talked a good story, then never carried through, and they were always late. She saw the light. ) He knew he had no actual case against me, being an excellent worker. (An older job called with a situation, so it all worked out.)The other worker still there at that point lamented my departure, as with OCD tendencies, the place had risen to wildly unprecedented levels of organization and cleanliness.

Thing is, I loved the work itself. Here is something to consider. Yes, he was an ***. But in going for other jobs in the same field, I used his wife (co-owner) as reference. Hehe. She's wonderful and understood the dynamic (He treated her like a moron. It was heartbreaking.) If it comes to it, be sure to look to someone else for a reference.

There are also some good books on dealing with difficult people/bosses. They've got some good ideas. (Wish I could recall atm, even though read a bunch!)

Good luck. It's an ongoing challenge. Keep us posted, ok Can't Stop Crying?

[Can't Stop Crying]

I made it through the first week I had my review last night...definitely took a hit to my already fragile self-esteem.

[Can't Stop Crying]

In my review, my boss said that by my absence - not only did I let him down, I let down my team, I let down his boss, and I let down the entire company. All I could say was that I feel terrible and I'm sorry. Fortunately, I didn't start crying until I left his office.

[OrangeMoira]

Wow, what an awful guilt trip. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's so unfair. I would be so destroyed if someone said that to me.

He's wrong. Your main job in life is to reach your own potential. It's not to make life convenient for other people.

You made the right choice at the time, and I think you made the right choice in hindsight, too. Your son's life is worth more than a good review. Being a good mom is more important than being the perfect worker who never "lets anyone down." Taking care of your own needs is a worthwhile goal.

Your boss sounds very controlling. He uses nasty tricks to make others do what he wants. He is using guilt to target your self esteem. But your feelings about who you are don't depend on his assessments.

He is a bad boss. He motivates poorly. He berates his workers for personal issues that have nothing to do with their work performance. He is bad for morale.

If I were in your position, I would take it personally and feel very hurt. But I really, really hope you are able to shrug his attacks off somewhat. It's just so unfair for him to target you like that.

You can't control the situation you are in. You have made good choices when dealt a bad hand. I can tell that you really care about your work performance and that you do a good job. I hope the company wises up and cans him, or the economy improves so that you can find something better. Wishing you strength this week.

[dragonfly2]

Were you on leave for medical reasons? I'm not sure where you are, but if you are in the US, then his response to your absence was illegal. If you destabilize because of his harassment, he can be held legally liable. You have rights and he is violating them. I know how unhelpful HR departments can be - been there, done that. I ultimately left that job and it was the best decision I could have ever made. I know, at least in the US, the economy is pretty bad right now, but I would still start looking for another job, just for your own peace of mind. You may also want to consult a lawyer - they usually can give free consults - just to see what the extent of your rights are and what, if anything, can be done. Don't let him overpower you.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Last night in a team meeting he was going off again about how we compare to the other shifts and said - are we so f****** stupid that we need to have people from other shifts come in and show us how to do our job?

I am so overwhelmed! I've been looking for a job for some time now...there really is nothing out there. And being the primary breadwinner and carrier of our benefits puts me in an even tighter spot. My family needs me to do this, but I'm not sure I can!

I am always letting someone down, tired of having to choose who to let down this time. I have to keep trying, there really is no other choice.

I'm trapped and I feel like a caged animal when I'm there....so, so tired!

[Distressed2010]

Depends. I dated a guy who constantly invalidated me to the point where I felt like I knew myself no more. I didn't know who i was, what i was.. etc... I didn't know he was doing this to me until i got to a therapist who told me all the things I thought I was PRIOR to meeting him... such as logical, intelligent.. etc.. He used to make me doubt my own reasoning.

A very dangerous thing especially when you trust the wrong person.

Anyhoo, after seeing the therapist briefly for 3 months.. I now give validation to myself and when others constantly invalidate me ( one person in particular), it actually makes me angry and i use that anger as fuel to move forward towards my goals. Also, I start distancing from them because I feel 1. they're either super dumb because they lack human compassion... 2. They don't understand me and no matter How much i might try to make them understand me, they won't because they don't have that sort of mindset. Which takes me back to reason number 1. they're dumb.

Also, I left the bf. So that's the difference. if its someone close to you, and depending on how much they invalidate you, it really can damage your self esteem in the long run and hurt you, you'll constantly feel misunderstood or not understood at all. Not you you, but that's how I had felt when it happened.

if its an aquantaince i just brush it off. if its a close friend it hurts me, so i confront them, if they don't get it. move on... you can still be friends but you gotta distance yourself...

Let me know what you think

and I hope that helps. Strictly my experience, works for me when i validate myself everyday, try it.. it takes a while. Also, another thing helps when you read biographies of big people who everyone thought were wrong/crazy and yet they became the kings/queens of the world by just being themselves...

[Can't Stop Crying]

Super good news! On Wednesday night at a team meeting, my manager was once again extremely inappropriate and called the team f***** stupid. Well, someone reported him So Thursday night when I went in to work, my manager's boss was there. The two of them had a meeting and my manager was sent home and his boss stayed to manage the shift. Rumor is that my manager was suspended. Of course, they won't tell us anything. Maybe they are finally beginning to realize how horrible he is! I hope this is a sign of better things to come and I hope this means they will start taking employees concerns seriously! I am so relieved he finally got some type of consequence, even if it is only a one day suspension, at least it's something!
Keep you posted with what happens next week!

Hello, Can't Stop Crying. I hope you are right and better days are nigh.

[Nole]

So true...