Flat

I don't even know how I feel today.
I feel sad that I was let go from my job and it didn't work out.
I put so much time into learning everything there.
What was it for? I don't even know.

Now I am back to cleaning the apartment.
We have so much stuff and I wish my partner could get rid of some of her stuff. I clean and tidy and it just gets dirty again.
I know, that's how it works.

I guess I just feel like nothing else in my life is tidy right now. I at least wish the apartment could be organized and fresh. But there is so much to do and I feel sad and overwhelmed doing it on my own while she is at work.
And I am jealous that she is at work.
I can never get my life together.

At least I am good at cleaning and keeping the house together.

I just feel flat today.
What the *** does any of it matter?

(((Elana05)))

I'm sorry that you lost your job. That really stinks ~ especially after putting a lot of time, energy, and hope into the new job.

Try not to over-generalize. Not everything in your life is complete chaos. Do you and your gf have a good relationship? Are you happy together? Does she support you when you're feeling down? And give you a kick in the rear end when you need one? ~ Not that I already know the answers to these Q's....I just assume that she's good and supportive to you. And those are major positives in your life to be happy for.

I'm kind of a clean freak myself, which can be pretty depressing at times. Times like the one that you find yourself in right now. Other times, it's much easier for me to accept. I just automatically clean up. Otherwise, the mess bugs me. That's me ~ that is my problem. So, I take it upon myself not to let things become a big mess in the first place. That is what I choose to do.

Perhaps you might want to look for a job as a housekeeper (like Merry Maids, hotels, or hospital), or something like that, and use your cleaning tendency to your advantage. Something to think about anyway.

I'm sorry that you're feeling down. Best wishes to you!

So sorry Elana. I hear your depression. The dishes, the pointlessness... all of it.

It doesn't "mean" anything. It's so wrong that we are so dependent on our jobs. Someone said we nothing more than slaves, or indentured servants at best. I can envision a world where we are free to live dignified creative, productive lives, where we do work because it gives us pleasure, and not because we are in fear for the survival necessities.

And yet, even within this not-so-ideal reality, we can carve some dignity and creativity for ourselves. For example dishes. I too have a relationship to them. When I am depressed it's such a chore, but when I manage to catch a better wave, I can clean dishes, make a bright clean kitchen, stand there and look at it, and feel pleasure and satisfaction.

Please don't let your troubles grind you down. Fight for your happiness. If dishes are depressing you now, forget them, go for a walk, find a park bench and listen to birds sing, enjoy the subshine. You are so much more than employee, dish-washer, appartment cleaner, may you find a way to remind yourself.

((((Elana))))

I am sending BIG HUGS your way! I hate it when I feel like that, seems like a lot lately. It matters because you care, you are a good person . I can tell by your posts you care. You will find another job. I believe everything happens for a reason, That job was just not meant to be. Your apartment being a mess might be making u feel more out of control of your life. Have faith in yourself! It will all work out.