Worried about Repeat

I think it was two years ago I went to a training for work. It was on suicide prevention. It had a lady there who told her story about her son who committed suicide. I have struggled with suicidal depressions since I was 16. Suicide is something that is comforting to me, knowing I have a way out if things get too bad. Well, I was not stable when I went to this training and it triggered psychosis. The pattern in the carpet was flowing, the walls were moving in and out. I kind of went off the deep end and ended up having a bit of a breakdown in the hall way.

So here it is a couple of years later. I have been stable for quite some time now. Any thoughts of suicide are far away. Deep in my heart I would still rather be dead but i keep that buried. I have not cycled or experienced any psychosis for a year and a half. And my boss wants me to attend another suicide training. she knows what happened at the last one and has indicated that not going isnt an option, she is confident i am doing well enough that will not happen again. i have the suppprt of my coworkers. i think i am well enough to handle it but....

i worry what if? what if i cant handle it? what if the psychosis comes back? what if it triggers my ptsd, which has a mind of its own despite my stability? what if i have another breakdown?

i'm sorry, kal, can you explain to me how any employer can force you to go? it's against the law!
"And my boss wants me to attend another suicide training. she knows what happened at the last one... has indicated that not going isnt an option"

i would guess you are right there. though she has not given me the opportunity to opt out. she had me sit in on the phone call informing us of the training to give me forwarning of the training to prepare me for the news of the training. she has made it very clear that she wants me there because i am "first line of defense" as part of my job. out of all the people in the office, i am the one who requires the training the most. she states she knows of my struggles but confident that i am better now and that she does not feel it will be an issue for me as i have been doing so well for so long now. while i can share her confidence on one level, i cant help but worry because i have a hard time trusting my mental health. it has let me down so many times before.

Is there any way you can speak to your boss and let her know your feelings about this? You sound like me, here you are worrying about something that has not come yet. I have to tell myself to stay in the here and now. If I don't then I just bring on the panic attack! I think you will be fine, give yourself some credit.