[sunflower321]

So maybe some of you can understand.

After wrestling down a rough week of winter depression, I finally turned a corner and started feeling a glimmer of hope these past few (sunny) days. I made a monumental (for me) decision to get out of my chair and take mom to get ourselves pedicures.

Mom has Parkinson's disease and I'm her care giver, she doesn't understand my depression and it upsets her to see me withdrawn. I had hoped that taking her out for a pedi would be a nice treat for both of us. But she refused to go, and made a bit of a fuss.

I'm not the only one dealing with stuff, mom lost dad a little over a year ago and tomorrow would be his birthday. She is frustrated by losing so much of her independence, and Parkinson's disease creates a type of dementia which is so hard for her. Some days she just feels angry that she doesn't have as much control, phisically or mentally, and she will go through times where saying 'no' is as much about her need to feel some control as anything.

Well, that first blush of energy after a difficult depression is a little bit fragile, and I ended up staying home (in my chair) and wrestling with the emotional ups and downs for rest of the day.

[Perna]

I am so sorry you are struggling. Maybe you should have gone out and gotten the pedicure for yourself, to treat yourself. Intensive care-taking can cause it's own depression (http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/04...ion/13114.html) and it is important to take care of ourselves so we can better take care of the other.

http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/j...jsp?nodeid=847

I joined the National Family Caregiver's Association http://www.nfcacares.org/ so I could keep in touch with others going through what I was.

[sunflower321]

Thank you for the links, Perna, and I am making plans to get that pedicure tomorrow while mom is at the adult day health center. My sister, who is also dealing with too many things on her plate, is thinking about joining me as well. I'm going to do my best to see that it happens, we need it.

Today would have been dad's birthday, so we are taking mom to the cemetery. She woke up this morning with a high (over 100 bpm) heart rate and a painful stomach ache... it is always a balancing act to decide who most needs the limited time, attention and energy. There are days, like yesterday and today, when it would be difficult to put my needs above mom's. But tomorrow...it's in the plan!

And the sun broke through the clouds and is shining right in my eyes! That always makes everything feel a little better for me!