[Korana]

Hi everyone, I've returned after a long sabbatical from the forum because I messed up a tad... maybe a lot.
Typically I haunt the BPD section but I feel this relates more to Emotion, even if the root beneath my issue stemmed from BPD.

Okay. I am not an angry person. In fact I can count the number of times I've been truly angry on one hand and they have been unrelated to alcohol.
This latest incident, comes out of the blue utterly.

I do not club, but my friends strong-armed me into going. I dressed up, I felt good. And had, what i thought, was a decent time. What I could remember was a vague tiff with my partner.

In fact, I physically hit him. And two women in the same night.
Like I said, I'm not angry, or violent - I don't even like verbal confrontation. So I'm shocked.
But mostly, I'm shocked that I remember all other details from the night, apart from the violence. I can remember the feeling of annoyance from time to time, but I have no visual or emotional memory of the fighting. Does anyone know anything about that kind of thing?

I'm ashamed and confused and don't understand why I lost my temper like that.

Can anyone who deals regularly with anger help me out here?
I'm scared to drink again just in case I do something to someone I care about.

[tkdgirl]

Hi Korana,

I don't really know much about BPD, so I cannot make any comments from that perspective. However, I have experience somewhat similar events to you. Just last weekend I was drinking and ended up throwing a full drink in someone's face out of anger. I remember the drink being in my hand and then being made aware that there was alcohol all over the walls. The inbetween I do not recall at all nor do I know what caused this reaction. Unlike you however I have been told I have anger problems and it is not just necessarily when I drink, even though normally I can control it.

According to my T, anger is usually a secondary emotion to something such as sadness and usually when a current reaction to something is disproporationate to the actual event it is due to anger being built up from past events.

The fact that this only occured when you drank and you are not normally angry may just mean you don't handle alcohol very well. On the other hand, your severe reaction may mean there is some underlying issue that the alcohol just revealed. If you have a T, this is something I would definately explore with them.

One thing my T told me to do is try to be mindful about my anger. And consider how someone else might react in this type of situation when I get angry. I'm still working on trying to figure this out, and I haven't had much success.

Not sure if any of this was actually helpful to you, just wanted to let you know your not alone out there

[Nams]

Korana, tkdgirl is right you are not alone. I am normally the one they say can handle anything, one of the nicer more understanding, forgiving types. The problem is when I drink if something is on my mind even the smallest upset, if that person is anywhere around I usually end up going over just to talk and usually end up hearing about the whole episode next morning. For me I think its the liquid courage thing, it makes me a lot less afraid to inform someone that they have hurt/p*d me off and unfortunately my temper has usually been bottled for so long its then that it lets loose. I don't think the alcohol really is the key factor in the forgotten parts that I think is my head refusing to accept the fact that little ole me is capable of something that reactive. Sometimes it can be things I didn't realize I was actually mad about. What I do is I limit my drinking to when I am around particular people who know when I should leave a situation jic, plus I rarely drink anyway only on girls nights which is 4 times a year lol. Sorry its not much help but like tkdgirl I wanted to let you now that you are def'ly not alone in this.

Hugz
Nams

[gma45]

Drinking can cause all kinds of emotions to arise. I was like you never angry add alcohol and watch out...jeckle and hyde big time. I am short in stature but when I drink I would think I was 10 feet tall and bullet proof! I can't tell you how many fights I got into and don't remember details. I was not a good drunk at all!