[cactus lover]

I grew up with a family that descredit me all the time, so, now as an adult I am highly suceptible to anyone that might say something that I feel as a disqualification. This has brouht me many problems, mainly I get exhausted fighting that with the peolple around me, even with my husband! This makes me depressedm as I am in a bad mood, afraid and tired. How do I forget about my past and face my present without so fighting against ghosts?

[Christina86]

To get through how you're feeling, sometimes we need to examine our past relationships and stuff. (Which sucks!)

Have you considered seeing a therapist/counsellor? You say that your family discredited you, do you consider what they did to be abusive?

[madisgram]

justme, i had to learn that i was not validated by family. i felt misunderstood or their being dismissed about what i said. i was often the scapegoat. i learned that i needed to set boundaries with them. i learned to be assertive in my communications with others.
this is true even in your present. instead of getting angry, etc you can learn to do the same now/boundaries and using assertiveness. it's not easy but it helps if we know our opinion is ours. it is our truth. so not reacting to the other person can empower us. for every negative reaction there's another negative response. you have a right to your own opinion. as you learn that, you can work on being assertive not fight back. use the "I" word. an example when you feel yourself defensive state, i feel....when we talk. i'd like for us to have a better way to communicate. you have a right to your opinion as well as i do. how bout we agree to disagree?

Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better. Assertiveness can help you control stress and anger and improve coping skills. Recognize and learn assertive behavior and communication.

By Mayo Clinic staff
Being assertive is a core communication skill. Being assertive means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others. Being assertive can also help boost your self-esteem and earn others' respect. This can help with stress management, especially if you tend to take on too many responsibilities because you have a hard time saying no.
Some people seem to be naturally assertive. But if you're not one of them, you can learn to be more assertive.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042

So you felt that……..
So you believe that…….
What I hear you saying is………Am I hearing you correctly?

What Is Assertiveness?:

Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s feelings and assert one’s rights while respecting the feelings and rights of others. Assertive communication is appropriately direct, open and honest, and clarifies one’s needs to the other person. Assertiveness comes naturally to some, but is a skill that can be learned. People who have mastered the skill of assertiveness are able to greatly reduce the level of interpersonal conflict in their lives, thereby reducing a major source of stress.

http://stress.about.com/od/relations...leassertiv.htm
and ways to deal with invalidation-do's and don'ts http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehavio...alidation.html

i hope these suggestions may help you.

[cactus lover]

thank you very much, your ideas helped me a lot and more important than these, I felt someone listened to me!

[tohelpafriend]

I can relate to your concerns, as I think many of us here at PC can. Non affirmation, abuse or plain rejections are terrible things to endure in the family of origin. It's 1/2 way there to understand the triggers and our reactions, sometimes anger and conflict, over what we cannot change, or over "other people's" children who cross our boundaries. Dr. J. Young writes about schemas we adopt in childhood as response/framings to others. Fighting the ghosts part for me was intense concentration on forgetting any pain...and concentrating on good memories, especially more recently, with my own children, now grown up. Establishing and maintaining boundaries is very important, as stated above...statements like, "I feel that...", asserts who you are and what you will or will not allow from another person. Sometimes this takes me off guard, like in a store when a cashier says something stupid but hits a trigger, I'd like to punch her in the jaw, but resolve walking away to let it go, realize she is nothing to me, and that I refuse to be offended. Self esteem comes from being comfortable with who we are in the present, I think, and establishing our identity in loving relationships, civil relationships, with protective awareness. Guess I rambled on again...it's OK, I'm just like that. Good luck with your journey. Recently, last week, my T of 5 years attacked me with 4 accusations on my character. It was horrible, but she was being defensive and doing her own punching. Funny memory: as psychologist I saw years ago, a guy, had two sets of boxing gloves we could use if venting of anger was required!

I'm living in an area where I have been more beat up at jobs and in a fairly nice neighborhood by hostile neighbors, that I'm getting ready to move because too many bad things have happened here to me, that it's impossible to believe it will change, and I fight the ghosts. Then again, moving has its own set of new problems/people. I've just become too 'comfortable' with the good aspects of my history here; I'm not sure how to balance the decision. Feedback welcome, if anyone ever moved and things got better in a new environment, especially after losses or kids grew up and moved on.

[scoreindigo]

It took me 50 years to realize my mother abused me for 50 years. The severe symptoms started when I became pregnant at age 39 and was hospitalized for depression during my first trimester. Although I was extremely close to my father, he abandoned me to her care when I was 8 or so. I was closer to him than most daughters are close to their fathers. I went fishing with him, even watched him shave. My X was a batterer, and so when I fled the relationship I returned to my mother's, left there and went to stay with my father's side of the family, realized they were no better, returned back to my mother's, thought everything was fine, there I remained for 5 years with my son, when I finally became a grown up and received a lucrative job offer and moved out, it was worse than leaving a batterer and I was in fear for my life. Thus I have been on a 9 year journey, trying to recover from PTSD, 4 hospitalizations, and most recently a diagnosis of Bipolar as a sub-component of the PTSD. During my last hospitalization the therapist recommended long term exposure therapy for complex trauma as well as dyadetic therapy. My psychiatry team is finally on board realizing that it is going to take more than prescribing meds for me to get well. But finally, also after 9 years, I am on the right medication. I also need a vast social support team. I hope it does not take you this long nor that you have to go through many of the challenges that I had to to figure out what I need to get well. Some folks never figure it out, and my confidence is higher than it has ever been. Like the Kelly Clarkson song channeling Nietzsche(sp?) "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger" - I always thought it was so cliche, but I just lived it. Good luck and thanks for posting.